#1
crit4crit

HALLMARK HOLY DAY

I plucked an angel feather,
Made myself a quill, so that I
Could write out my Father's will.

But hands began to tremble
So damned much, that I decided
To write you a love letter.

Don't tell God I love you
Let's keep that to ourselves.
'Cause if passion is the fire
Then I'll surely burn in Hell

There's an angel tearing bibles
Every hallmark holy day
That I celebrate alone.

My father was right all along
About the angels in heaven
Tearing the paper heart of God.

Don't tell God I love you
Let's keep that to ourselves.
'Cause if passion is the fire
Then I'll surely burn in Hell

I read the Bible for a way
To never ever fall in love,
But the pages kept screaming,
"Be like Christ and love them all"

Don't tell God I love you
Let's keep that to ourselves.
'Cause if passion is the fire
Then I'll surely burn in Hell
Last edited by themarsvolta at Apr 2, 2009,
#2
i have always loved the way you say so much in so few words. a technique and a talent that i would love to aquire sometime. anyway, there where some great visuals here that had to be very personal to your heart to strike so deep with me like they did. I have always been a fan of you and will continue to be so.
#3
i love the chorus on this one.
i also like how you express your views on religion without sounding whiny or self-righteous, which is a common trap
my only criticism here is that the father is brought up at first, then abandoned for a new subject "you" then brought back again... with no lyrical link between the two
#4
I read this the day you put it up, but refrained from commenting because I felt like I would just say the same thing I've said about all the pieces of yours I've read, which is this is great.

That being said, it is great. I think it's extremely difficult to take a simple format approach like you've done and still have it make an impact on the reader, but you've done it very well here. It kind of reminded me of the Cohen poetry I've read where he's used very basic stanzas to convey extremely poignant thoughts.

Also, I love your approach to religious writing. You seem to make it a common theme in your pieces, but ou do it so well that I don't tire of reading the same topic, which can't be said for a lot of poetry I've read about religion.

Anyways, sorry for the sucking up, but I said what I'd say in my first sentence. Thanks for reading mine, and I look forward to your next work.

#6
I really really enjoyed this piece. There was only one part that seemed to trip me up when I read it, and that was the "Just be like God and love them all" line. It seems that the flow was disrupted there, like there were too many syllables. But that could just be in the way I was reading it. Overall, you did a great job. If you've got the time, could you crit my newest? It's in my sig..
Last edited by Cyclones41 at Nov 11, 2008,