#1
not gonna promise c4c here. More of a bare your soul/what's on your mind thing.


I just want to understand.

I can't explain why the big-bang happened;
why random life forms just
happened to appear, (in a huge, rapidly exapnding
universe) evolve up to posable thumbs and then stop;
why every physical law is balanced perfectly on
each other physical law and nothing ever falls over.

I used to say it was because Jesus sneeze-eth
and it all just came together, but
religion has just become so hollow.
I get to go to church once a week and
stand next to fellow fakers who are checking
their watches so they can go place bets
on their football team, get drunk, and
fuck the secretary behind their wives.

When the Pope comes back with some equations and
a logical explanation for why the world is
chaotic and god never drops in for a
a little clean up.
I'll start
believing
again.
#2
You have a soul.

This is very good. It says exactly what it means to say, no unnecessary frill, but it does have it's own style
"why every physical law is balanced perfectly on
each other physical law and nothing ever falls over."
"I used to say it was because Jesus sneeze-eth"
"When the Pope comes back with some equations and
a logical explanation for why the world is
chaotic and god never drops in for a
a little clean up."

Nothing picky. This is wonderful.
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#3
at first i thought it was gonna be a parody of dont stop believin' by journey lol

very straight forward, illustrates your point of view aggressively without skipping a beat. deep. i like it.
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#4
Thought I'd point out for edit reasons, you left the "P" out of "expanding" in line four.

The first stanza was boring as f***. It doesn't even attempt to put a little zip in there. I also didn't like the line break in the middle of the parentheses, and the second usage of "physical law". Using it a second time was one stumble in speech too many.

Stanza two didn't have a lotta zip, but wasn't neccessarily asking for it as much. It felt like it dragged a tad bit. I can't quite pin it down as much as I'd like to.

I did not like stanza three. The last three lines had no reason to be broken up like that. And it emphasised the word "believing", which felt really really cliche.


I got this feeling throughout the piece of a more straight up, no nonsense approach to telling the story. But it went too far. Lotta big words that don't roll off the tongue in a very friendly manner. Phrasing followed too perfectly. This was closer to a speech than anything else. And it looked at things and spoke of them in ways so incredibly literal, that it failed to catch my interest. The one line that really had your stamp on it was "jesus sneezeth" (and the second half of stanza two, though it dragged on too long).
#5
I agree with ninjamonkey, but i loved this nevertheless. It had a brutal honesty to it, and also summed up my belief system. I can totally understand this poem, which is a rarity with your work. Well done
#6
I liked this. There were things I'd like to see added, but they show my view and probably not yours.

The 'behind their wives' bit felt unfinished.


EDIT: and the full stop in the last stanza makes no sense.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
Last edited by DigUpHerBones at Nov 10, 2008,