#1
we found a playground and swung
until our feet touched the skies,
rocked back and forth on frogs,
and raced across the monkey bars.
we sat in the metal jungle gym
flicking bottle caps at the trees
bodies shaking from the cold
so we found smoke to warm us up.
we ran through the sandbox
and I ruined my flip flops,
still haven't washed them, though
I wore 'em every day this weekend.
some kids paintballed our cars
and we started to run them down --
gave up before I opened my door
so I laid on my hood and
glanced up at the stars and grinned.
'cause I've wished a lot as I've aged,
but not too much has changed.
#2
I loved everything except for the ending. It just felt a little week. I'll come back and give this a proper crit later
#3
yeah, i would agree with kdownes on this one, the ending just didn't do this piece justice. i guess, if it was going to end like that, i feel it would need to be a little longer, explaining why you got into that position, to give it a little more importance. the tough thing with shorter pieces is they demand that universal 'punch' to keep the reader happy at the end, and this just falls short here.

btw corey, i am back for a while. nice to read something by you.
#4
i'd like to file a dissenting opinion... I like the ending as is. I know it wasn't quite a punch, but it was very comfortable. I absolutely love the sense of realization and content. It rhymes weird, and that's where it loses its power verbally. You can probably strengthen it by rewording it a little bit... there's plenty of ways to say you're aging, such as, growing older, perhaps.
what comes up comes out
#5
I think the ending is fine as is, per reasons above, in that it's comfortable. And I think that's the way it should be.
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#8
You shouldn't be wearing flip flops if it was that cold, m'dear.

Otherwise... good
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#9
I agree that there were a few rhymes that could've been better to give it more feeling. I liked the idea for it, and the end was simple, and that's not a bad thing at all, but there just seems to be something missing here, and I'm not sure what... Overall, it is good
#10
LANDON! BABY GIRL WHERE YOU BEEN ALL MY LIFE?

thanks everyone. didn't expect so many responses.

kdownes, carpy, I feel y'all. I mostly just set out to portray the situation of me seeing a childhood friend for the first time in probably eight years on Friday. I rewrote the ending like four times before I got sick of figuring it out and just submitted it.

I had a little trouble conveying the idea that I'm glad things haven't changed too much, even though I've always wanted them to change, without being overly wordy and ruining the feel. I'm sure something better will come to me.

Thanks for the comments, and it's awesome to see ya 'round these parts again BJ. I'll have crits for both of you (and everyone else) either tonight or tomorrow -- got a party to be at in an hour or so and a couple classes tomorrow so don't be too impatient!

haunted, I should probably know your name but I don't! Like I said above though, I feel like the ending is along the lines of what I want it to be, but I'm not sure it's there yet -- rewording it might do the trick. Thanks for the suggestion.

Other Corey, I feel ya. Thanks.

Landon, I love you! Where have you been? PM me?

jibbo, thank you!

DigUp, I don't know why I always do that. It's freezing outside at nights (well, for Florida) and I still wear flip flops every day. Even if I have like three layers of clothes on, I still wear flip flops. My poor Southern heart. Thanks

Taxi, thank you. I understand what you're saying. I feel like it's missing something as well that would set it apart from being alright to being awesome. I don't like it so much as is, but I thought it had a little potential when I set out -- got lost somewhere along the way. I'll figure it out!

Thanks again everyone, they'll be returned within the next day or two.
#11
I love that your writing actually feels genuine. That's a quality I can appreciate. I think it's already been said, but I would like to see you do more with the ending; it seemed like you got annoyed at your lack of inspiration and just inserted a cliched ending.
#12
Quote by SilenceEvolves

DigUp, I don't know why I always do that. It's freezing outside at nights (well, for Florida) and I still wear flip flops every day. Even if I have like three layers of clothes on, I still wear flip flops. My poor Southern heart. Thanks


Don't worry, I usually prefer going barefoot
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!