#1
pretty much my usual whingey, whiney crap. But i think this is one of my better ones. But anyway, C4C of course. Enjoy

bah humbug

I fear I have nothing left to offer
but empty opinions
wrapped in pretty ribbons
of green and blue
“Merry Christmas, everyone”

The man down the street keeps staring at me
as if I hold the answers to all
his cares
his problems
he lays them out in a list before me
and sets himself on fire
I’m drowning in a sea of fools

There’s an old saying
goes something like “ask and ye shall receive”
obviously God is hard of hearing
cause I’m still here
writing this meaningless drivel
dribble
is just a child telling you
he thinks your about as interesting
as shit on toast


Offering rehashed insights
stolen from the reject shop down the road
dressed up in drag and bursting out Tina Turner

If I please just one person
I can die happy
hang myself with my joy
a soft rope to gently lower me
into the arms of a passing angel
who takes pity on my convoluted soul
and turns me into a sheep
because even angels love irony
Last edited by kdownes at Nov 10, 2008,
#2
I quite like it
Although I think "shit on toast" is a bit too colloquial (sp?)
I really like the last stanza it's the best imo
My current acoustic group:

Fiftieth Parallel

Martin Guitars
Elixer Strings
Acoustic amplification
BOSS pedals

#3
I liked the last stanza the most. I liked this, the "shit on toast" part made me smile a little. The only complaint I have is that you could make it flow just a bit better. Nice job on this
#4
Uooh, this was a strange ride. You have so many different thoughts and images that this feels like small stanzas packed together. The last stanza, exept its first two lines, is simply amazing. I don't know if I'll drop another comment, hopefully more constructive than this, but I swear I'll take another look at this.
#5
Well for starters, the last stanza is by far the best part of this. It has great imagery and fantastic emotion tied to it. I've got no problem with that for sure.

For the rest of it, I feel like there's some disconnect between the rest of the stanzas. I might be missing some underlying message, but I can't really connect them to each other. Kind of like a bunch of images thrown together. I can see how the beginning and end relate, but aside from that I'm losing interest in the middle. I found it difficult to obtain meaning from these sections, because they seemed to be seperate thoughts.

I apologize if this doesn't make much sense, but I hope I got my idea across.

thanks for the comments, and I will be checking out your next one for sure.

#7
There is no Christmas imagery in this piece. the phrase "Merry CHristmas, everyone" is an ironic comment. It's one I make all the time if I'm giving someone something stupid, I'll say "hey, Merry Christmas, have a rock", or something like that. In this case, it corrolates with the imagery of the empty box. It's like "Merry Christmas,e veryone, here's an empty box, go paly with it." It's ironic, not a direct reference to christmas. THank you for your comments regardless, just thought I'd clear that up. obviously I'm the only one who says that
#8
great stuff. i do love a nice bit of cynicism, and you seem to be so good at it! theres not too much i can comment on that i didnt like. i'll just pick on a few parts.

obviously God is hard of hearing
cause I’m still here
writing this meaningless drivel
dribble
is just a child telling you
he thinks your about as interesting
as shit on toast

great lines. the "meaningless drivel" part doesnt come across as self pity, but just intensifies the idea of hatred for everything.
although, im not too sure about the "dribble is just a child...". seems like a bit of an empty tangent you went on after writing "drivel". also, the shit on toast part treads a very fine line between being justified, and unnecessary. i get what you are saying with it, it just seems a bit juvenile.


If I please just one person
I can die happy
hang myself with my joy
a soft rope to gently lower me
into the arms of a passing angel
who takes pity on my convoluted soul
and turns me into a sheep
because even angels love irony

this last stanza is brilliant. it shows how the protagonist isnt the bitter, twisted husk of a person they portray in the previous stanzas. gives a bit of a silver lining, but also love how emotive you've gotten when discussing the possibilty of death after so much coldness. in the rest of the poem. makes for a great ending.

this was great. and it avoids all the cliched pitfalls that lots of writers fall into when they are venting about everything in general

nice one.

i have some links in my sig, if youd care to take a look.

cheers.
--------------------i'm definitely the alphaest male here--------------------
#9
Guilty as charged Glad you enjoyed it, and you got it spot on, exactly what I was trying to convey.

That dribble part is meant to sound like a random tangent, it's just a bit of random musing, just the character venting at the stupidity of the world, using a dribbling child as his weapon of choice. And "sht on toast" is supposed to be juvenille. In the song version of this (this is the original poem - i just put it to music for fun) I actually left out that whole dribble part. It'll be up on my profile shortly if you want to give it a listen
#10
I liked this a lot, but I've read it about 10 separate times and it's not left much stick on me. It's all good, of course, but it's the attempt to do what it's saying that I want to see
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#11
Last stanza was incredible....loved it. I also liked the second stanza. The "and sets himself on fire" part is brilliant....it made me pay attention and want to read on. No complaints. love it.

Listen to my covers here.


"Some even claim that I'm a terror, a dictator and they're right." - Lou Reed


AK-ROWDY
#12
I'll edit in a crit but let me just say this is the best I've read from you so far
Anatomy Anatomy
Whale Blue Review

Park that car
Drop that phone
Sleep on the floor
Dream about me