#1
A song came on the radio tonight
I can't help reminisce of our young love,
Your beauty I was undeserving of,
A time in my life when things felt so right.
But the next chapter was quickly denied
Forced on the wings of the mourning dove,
I flew with him into lands undreamed of,
There I stayed waiting to reunite.

Fall fell hard and alone i sat for you,
Winter had me numb until spring had sprung,
And still there i sat watching heathers bloom.

No longer could i watch from the hills view,
And no longer could i bite my own tongue,
Look how far I've come, now back to my room.

And all of this I tried hard to forget,
but still i can't regret the day we met.
Last edited by SHRED. at Nov 10, 2008,
#2
let me preface this critique by saying: this is not a sonnet.

that being said, I think you should change the title

THAT being said, I'm going to assume that you didn't intend to write a sonnet at all.

the second line I think you're missing a word or two, it just doesn't make much sense, and the third line pisses me off because its an inversion, you would never say something like that with real speech. And i understand this is poetry but no one inverts their lines anymore unless its for a good reason, and you appear to have no reason. "I was undeserving of your beauty" That makes me feel better. The rest of the stanza is just SO awkward, it seamlessly goes from too prosey to uncomfortably poetic, you need to find some middle ground, work on word choice and syntax. The next two stanzas, same deal. There's some bland imagery that I think you can really make colorful, I want to see some colors, i want to see the grayness of the winter quickly turn into the vibrance of spring. I think this poem is incomplete in that regard. The last stanza however, I think you nailed. It has a weighty finality to it, its got closure, i'd say its fairly powerful, its the perfect way to end the poem that you're not done writing yet. So work on this, and alert me when you have a revision. I'll be waiting.
what comes up comes out
#3
lol this is my first "sonnet" and there was a good reason i wrote your beauty i was undeserving of, because it rhymed. thanks for the criticism even if it was pretty harsh lol
#4
what kind of sonnet...pray tell... was this... i'm beginning to see slant rhymes i didn't see before.. you're right you had a good reason to invert. but the meter I am certain is wrong.
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#5
yeah i didn't really understand meter so i just did 10 syllable lines lol
#8
well, my friend, I'm glad you asked. A sonnet is a very tight form consisting of strict meter and rhyme patterns. Typically the type of meter is Iambic, which is an unaccented syllable followed by an accented syllable.

soo... what we have is
  
 u     x   u   x   u   x  u   x
Come live with me and be my love


this is called iambic pentameter, iambic because of the meter, pentameter because of there are five feet. so Iambic Pentameter: ux/ux/ux/ux/ux.
simple enough. There's also Anapestic which is uux/uux/uux/ux, there's also the trochee and the dactyl and some others but..moving on. usually I think.. most sonnets are iambic anyway.

That's your main problem is meter. Looks like you understand rhyming okay, there's specific patterns for rhyme, though, and I don't know if yours follows one. I don't know enough about sonnets to tell you, I just know there's Shakespearian sonnets, and other kinds. Whatever. Sonnets aren't my thing, but everyone should know a little bit about meter.
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#9
so what makes a word stressed and what makes one unstressed? thats what i dont get