#1
OTS, like I always say, comments will be rewarded with comments.

I would have seen the truck before it hit me
but I was too busy chasing butterflies.

I play with precious pieces of china
like they were a couple of frisbees
in my privileged home while
out on the street the toothless
beg for pennies that I can't
even be bothered to pick up
when I spot them on the sidewalk.

You only get so many shots
at the fish in the barrel
before they take your gun away.
#2
This was much better than your last piece. More set in its ideas, more clear in waht it's trying to express. The only thing I really didn't like here was "when I spot them on the sidewalk". I think you can drop that. It felt unnecessary, at least to me. Great piece, well done
#4
I liked this a lot. It starts with a line that just sets the mood for something awful happening, and then it almost explains further. I think, 'when I spot them on the sidewalk,' is fine in there and should stay. But yeah, I like the imagery created. And the last line was my favorite. https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?p=17107827#post17107827 Mucho appreciated, mang.
My Gear:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Guitars:
Gibson Explorer, Worn Cherry-

Amps:
Fender Roc Pro 1000 - 1 x 12 Combo, 100 watts, Hybrid


Effects:
Blues Driver Keeley Modded
#5
Quote by rush4life

I would have seen the truck before it hit me
but I was too busy chasing butterflies.
I like, I like

I play with precious pieces of china
here you set it up for me thinking there were a few of them
like they were a couple of frisbees
then you say just two, this doesn't work for me, I say set the number first, then explain
in my privileged home while
out on the street the toothless
beg for pennies that I can't
even be bothered to pick up
when I spot them on the sidewalk.

You only get so many shots
at the fish in the barrel
before they take your gun away.
You see, I like all of what you've got here... but... it doesn't entirely seem to tie together. I like that it's simplistic, but that's brought it down to three separate things and I think that the first stanza is really strong and that's good but the last isn't strong enough to match it and make the piece feel full.


I like this, everything that's here... but maybe something before what you already have as the last stanza would help?
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#6
I enjoyed reading this piece. My biggest complaint is the lack of focus between the three stanza. They're all good, but each stanza feels likea seperate piece as opposed to a part of a whole. I really think you could take each stanza and elaborate on it as its poem. (Just a thought). Also I really liked the second stanza. The subject was great and I really liked the "beg for pennies that I can't/even bother to pick up" lines. But one question, why "toothless" I think maybe "homeless" would fit better. Anyways, nice job with this.

Crit mine please
Hallmark Holy Days
#7
Quote by rush4life
OTS, like I always say, comments will be rewarded with comments.

I would have seen the truck before it hit me
but I was too busy chasing butterflies.
I can tell these are metaphors but they have no context so I don't know what they mean. I don't want to know what they mean because this imagery is played out. getting hit by a truck and chasing butterflies bring nothing to the table that I want to read more about, it just seems to be more selfish sadness and regret presented in an unoriginal way. shrug. Aside from that, the sentiment here is produced much better in the next stanza so having both is redundant. Either rephrase or get rid of this I say, it adds next to nothing and starts the piece on a low point. I would be so much more enthralled to read the next stanza as the first stanza.

I play with precious pieces of china
like they were a couple of frisbees
a couple of frisbees flowed weird. just say "like they were frisbees".
in my privileged home while
"priveledged" is showing not telling and its ugly. there are much better ways you know of pulling off the same idea without distracting the reader with bluntness (which I don't think works here, surrounded by so many metaphors, I just don't know whats real, whats fake, or what imagery I should really be paying attention to. I think I want you to consolidate your imagery and meaning, because I'm getting confused at what I'm supposed to get out of this.
out on the street the toothless
awkward syntax and the beginning of a run on sentence.
beg for pennies that I can't
even be bothered to pick up
when I spot them on the sidewalk.
cool idea, but a run-on sentence with weird line breaks, needs some serious revision here

You only get so many shots
at the fish in the barrel
before they take your gun away.
cool idea. don't see what it has to do with the piece and appeared to be wit for wits sake but cool idea. by the end of this I had no idea what the piece was about. the experience being described was nothing that I could put my finger on.


well, there you are. this was alright and confusing. needs some revision and some consolidation of imagery/metaphors.



if you want: https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=997001
#8
I like it.
The first two stanzas a really good. But i'm not sure on the last line of the second stanza.
I don't see how the last stanza fits in with the rest either :S
I think it could be a very good piece with a small amount of work.

Check out some of mine if you have time. The lastest one is 'Remember'.
My current acoustic group:

Fiftieth Parallel

Martin Guitars
Elixer Strings
Acoustic amplification
BOSS pedals