#1
let me preface this with, I know its dense. Bear with me a little bit.

New England Clam Chowder

signal ghosts with cigarette flares
in hazy alleys—between thorn twisted vines
and your jeans soaked with beer.
You’ve got extramarital intentions
I’ve got six dollars, a bus pass
and a garage door code.
Don’t worry, no one lives there anymore
but if you touch the front door
this will turn into a story
about a building collapsed
and an armed robbery
of bottled water and birth control.

Poets look like rock stars
they wear sunglasses and drive sexy
imported cars. They are the grandsons
and granddaughters of slaves and moonshiners
they shout through dormitory hallways
Obama is president, I can do whatever the fuck I want,
and thank God, because my erection for Bush
turned flaccid and infected.

anyway I got robbed that night
but I didn’t care. Money makes you
feel like you shouldn’t spend it.
Now I would if I still had it.
I’d buy that ukulele with no strings
in the window at 1st Avenue,
and that makes me much happier.
I could join you and be wealthy
I could betray you and be penniless
and unzip illicit zippers and kneel in closets
hidden from a coyote killing madman husband
if he knew his wife called out my name
against the rotation of ceiling fan blades
he'd field dress me with Palin-like precision.
if he doesn’t catch me
if he doesn’t slit my throat
well,
it’ll be a miracle

I trusted Jesus, I held onto that rosary until my palms were sweaty.

but I bailed because I thought I saw a UFO
in the desert in New Mexico.
Looking through a book of poetry
wondering what they did with all the fat, old
Viagra-abusing, moustache doting, clown-ass
motherfucker descendents of war heroes.
So I stick my head between my shoulders
and I stare east, carry my gaze Virginia
because I went down on this girl
and it tasted like clam chowder.
New England, you shine like a deserter.
what comes up comes out
Last edited by haunted_engines at Nov 11, 2008,
#2
my God, that was a great read. Yes, it was dense, but not so much that it became difficult to read. I enjoyed this a lot. It read very train of thought, didn't seem to have a clear beginning or end, and i enjoyed that. Well done
#3
kudos for not doing away with conventions that work, "just because". This still managed to be refreshing, though.

I'm not sold on the political inclusions. They seem to distract from the story more than add to it. Maybe that was the point, though.

Anyway, as always, I loved your voice. The inconsistent rhyming was used about as well as I've ever seen it used--nicely done. I'm not being particularly helpful, I realize, but I haven't made my mind up on any particular qualms.

I might come back to this--no promises, though.

a pleasure to read.
~Ed.
I owe a ton of people critiques.

If you're one of them, please PM me.

I have trouble keeping track.
#4
What I loved about this is that you didn't just touch on a few ideas, you really thrashed them... with pretty damn tight precision.
I agree with Fly, the politic business felt crappy.

- "but I bailed because I thought I saw a UFO
in the desert in New Mexico. " - Don't like this line break.

One problem I noticed: It's really cryptic, to me anyway. I'm going to keep reading to see what I can derive from it that even remotely seems accurate.
#6
- "signal ghosts with cigarette flares
in hazy alleys—between thorn twisted vines" - I'm sorry, I'm just being honest, I don't understand that. I know I may come across as a little ignorant child but I just don't feel confident with this. I hope you don't take it personally.
#7
I think the political lines make a point in themselves that they do feel like add-ons, however, together with what I took from this, they do certainly feel line add-ons.

There are a few really beautiful bits in this, especially, how I got it, her wanting the house with you not her husband and that robbing you.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#8
@angry goldfish: Okay i can see that. I guess i was just thinking about the glowing tips of cigarettes, i always associate ghosts with smoke, hazy alleys, its hazy either because its cold or because the smoke, and between thorn twisted vines and your jeans soaked with beer, I'm pressed up against a wall covered in vines by this girl.

@digupherbones - thanks
what comes up comes out
#9
You see the thing is, I always look too deeply into something. I'm expecting a really detailed metaphor, when really you're just repeating yourself in slightly alternative ways. I don't write like that and I never really delved into pieces that do it very well.
Sorry for the confusion. Keep it up, maybe I'll grasp your next a little better.
#13
Quote by DigUpHerBones
I think the political lines make a point in themselves that they do feel like add-ons, however, together with what I took from this, they do certainly feel line add-ons.

There are a few really beautiful bits in this, especially, how I got it, her wanting the house with you not her husband and that robbing you.



I was thinking the same. The direct political lines are blunt, which could work with what I got out of the piece, but they made me cock my head a little bit because they didn't feel very tactful in this case, compared to the rest of this piece.
The whole second stanza stood out a little bit for me to be honest.


All and all, I'm a big fan of this piece. Very enjoyable, interesting, and fulfilling in a pretty fresh way. Sorry for the lame comments haha but I wanted to comment on this.

Hope to read more,

Jimmy
Anatomy Anatomy
Whale Blue Review

Park that car
Drop that phone
Sleep on the floor
Dream about me
Last edited by jiminizzle at Nov 14, 2008,
#14
lines like 'he'd field dress me with Palin-like precision.' just stuck out and made me cringe.

Maybe i'm missing the running political commentary, but that stuck out like bad satire.

Basically; If your'e going to into politics at all you'd better have something important to say, and I don't think you did.

I liked it alright, it was a pretty fun ride but I was left with a strong impression that you wasted a lot of words doing not very much. I think you try and focus more on getting one or two ideas across, this was like a big old, not very organised, mess. Not really badly a mess, just not really very positively either.

Vague crit I know, sorry.
On vacation from modding = don't pm me with your pish
#15
I liked it alright, it was a pretty fun ride but I was left with a strong impression that you wasted a lot of words doing not very much. I think you try and focus more on getting one or two ideas across, this was like a big old, not very organised, mess. Not really badly a mess, just not really very positively either.

^ What meh! said.

The opening stanza just dragged on and on. Personally, I think this reeks of pretence. Cut the crap and the run-on sentences and this could be a good read. I'm not even sure what I'm supposed to be taking from it anyway.
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#16
uh yeah that was pretty dense but lovely
and thats the difference between you and i .you write like a poet, i just write. i never cared much for writing poetry. for me its like one of those trees that you see growing straight up, but only because they've got those rods tied to them.
but shit cut me some slack ive got writer's block right now.
this was quite a read though. hope to hear more from you
your advice is always welcome.
c.g.
#17
You came into my piece to tell me that I write like a poet, and that you don't write like a poet? Its a good thing I just woke up from being black-out drunk otherwise I might take issue with that.

But I'm glad you liked it, anyway, i guess.
what comes up comes out
#23
great read,

i also thought the political commentary was too blunt, in such a cryptic piece.

idk if you still are looking for advice but , if you would make those parts more cryptic it would flow more, and make somewhat more of a point.. imho

like ex.

Obama is president, I can do whatever the **** I want,
and thank God, because my erection for the cowboy
turned flaccid and infected.

he'd field dress me with Alaskan precision
#24
congratulations
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#26
Thanks all,

@BalkanGuitarist: That's actually a pretty good tip... I'll work on it, see if I like it. Thank you.

@everyone else: Thank you
what comes up comes out
#28
there were so many pieces in here and it left me confused. there was so much said here and so much not said because you didnt give yourself space to say all that was there to say. I want four poems out of this, not one. I don't know, so many time periods and shifts in place and so many loose threads made out of awesome lines. Unfinished ideas on a skeleton of narrative, like a mummy, I could barely see the goal by the end of it (which includes losing track of any single specific narrative). Parts of it were sick (see third stanza) and parts of it were wordy
(Don’t worry, no one lives there anymore
but if you touch the front door
this will turn into a story
about a building collapsed
and an armed robbery
of bottled water and birth control. )
But on the whole I hated it as one piece. it needed more I think. Or at least a consolidation of imagery and narration-style.

#29
thanks confusius, synth .

and synth, I doubt if you'll like any of my pieces, because they are all like this: all over the place. And I don't think that you like that. but I can tell by your comments you know what you're talking about, so I appreciate them very much.
what comes up comes out