#1
kind of a feel good piece i think.


lament,
sorry i thought you said lament,
really you were just grinding vowels through the gaps in your teeth.
all the love letters you wrote just to store in a dresser drawer,
it's too sad but i think i've been more depressed.
like when i stubbed my toe yesterday on the poorly placed end table
in the middle of your living room,
or when i hit my funny bone on your head board trying to separate the
inevitable space that grows between two people and my shy ignorance of it all.
amen,
sorry i thought you said amen,
i was just praying that the mailman would bring me a message that read,
'you can sleep all day and i will sleep all night and we won't be tired in the
mornings new light'.
but you were already counting sheep on your fingers and toes so just i subtracted the odds and found indifference, cited my all togetherness in lispful wishes. i'm not who you think i am really, a portrait of a portrait of a portrait of a man. but i will sleep next to you and make love to your nightstand because your sheets have seen enough, they need a night to sleep it off. as do i, i think. maybe not, who cares and how much?
#2
Fantastic, absolutely fantastic. I don't feel like i'm in any situation to critisize, because its just leagues ahead of anything i could write. if you don't mind, i'd like to copy this out and write it on my wall? amazing.
I know you think that I'm someone you can trust.
But I'm scared i'll get scared and i swear i'll try to nail you back up.



Female SouperHero
#3
This is a great piece. I found the "subtraced the odds and found indifference" part clever, and the rest of it is just plain good. Good job
#4
MY God, you're becoming a fantastic writer. There was not one part in this piece that wasn't pure gold. I really enjoyed it.
#5
God damn it; I think I'm turning into a fangirl.
"but you were already counting sheep on your fingers and toes so just i subtracted the odds and found indifference, cited my all togetherness in lispful wishes."
jesus
Quote by Arthur Curry
it's official, vintage x metal is the saving grace of this board and/or the antichrist




e-married to
theguitarist
minterman22
tateandlyle
& alaskan_ninja

#6
to the first person no i dint mind at all. everyone else thanks a lot. throw me some links if you want.
#7
This was absolutely incredible. No crits, just praises. Seriously, I love it. Congratulations on being an excellent writer.
#8
I hate to be "that guy", but I didn't care for this all that much. There's a couple of great lines ("counting sheep - lipsful wishes") but not really enough to make me step back in awe. It's that kind of writing where you know that it gets the point across (and it does, gracefully) and it was probably pretty easy to write, and when the pen was set down, a big smile came along. I know that type of this, but I wasn't really feeling that. There was too much of the "I just, I will, I'm not, I think I thought I was", which I honestly can't stand and judge you for, because I do waayyyy too much of that myself, but in such a short little flick of the pen here, it's too much who cares and no structure, etc.

So, it's good, but not great. You're capable of much better, and more poignant.
#9
i liked this mostly, but theres a few parts that i wasnt too comfortable with.

first off, i was disappointed by the ending.
"...make love to your nightstand because your sheets have seen enough" for some reason stuck out as a line i really didnt like. conjures up images of dirty laundry, and humping furniture.

also, it seems to peter out to the end a little. the very last line seems like a bit of a copout ending to it all. like you couldnt gave up.

now onto what i like.

"it's too sad but i think i've been more depressed.
like when i stubbed my toe yesterday on the poorly placed end table
in the middle of your living room,
or when i hit my funny bone on your head board trying to separate the
inevitable space that grows between two people and my shy ignorance of it all."


really liked this part. just great. tone is perfect. i love what you are saying with it.

but you were already counting sheep on your fingers and toes so just i subtracted the odds and found indifference, cited my all togetherness in lispful wishes

this is also excellent. so unique.


i generally like this. but its a little hit and miss.
i love how direct it is at the start, without being boring, but felt the ending was just a little shabby.


nice one.

theres some links in my sig, if youd care to check them out

cheers.
--------------------i'm definitely the alphaest male here--------------------
#10
I didn't really like the nightstand rhyme, it was too... full.

Otherwise, I really don't have anything constructive to say.

There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#11
thanks for the crits. all feedback is much appreciated. ill be returning crits sahhooon