#1
This is an unfinished work of poetic fiction that I've recently gotten back into writing. Each chapter is a separate poem so the rhythm changes throughout. It's unfinished and a little fragmented at the moment, but I believe that the plot is clear. All feedback is welcome...enjoy!

Chapter I
The rose you've kept for me,
I exchange for draining sand,
That are feelings buried deep,
In the life we could have had.
At times I often wonder,
If you can see through me.
Straight to the lie I cover,
And desires that I keep.

Chapter II
As you're sleeping just beside me,
I feel estranged wrapped in your cold embrace.
Tho I've tried to treat you kindly,
I've to leave although you say you feel the same.
As you quiet yourself behind me,
I can still faintly here you drawing breath.
And this dimly lighted hallway,
Is all that's keeping me from this life's death.
As I maneuver blindly,
To the door and out this place that was our house,
I forget the pain inside me,
Overcome by fear but unable to shout.

Chapter III
And this is how it feels to say goodbye,
To open the door to new life, and to let another die.
And this is when you know forever fades,
When a lifetime worth of promise, amounts to only days.
It's the crash of reality found in broken hearts,
And the end of hopes and dreams as two souls part.

Chapter IV
So now I've become my shadow, my deep desires freed.
But this life too is hollow, living out this fantasy.
Has this now become my future?
How quickly new love fades and turns to grey.
Bliss is turned to torture,
And the cherished past is marred by my mistakes.

Chapter V
Weariness brings me to myself.
Our forever gathers dust on a shelf.
Dreariness reminds me of my past.
The rain and winter’s chill take me back...
To a Time when my life wasn’t better or bad, only different.
Filled with times that we had,
And with moments I shared with the love of my life, that are nothing.
Only flashes of light.
But the life I have now is the forever we had, only different.
I tell myself that.
Cause it scares me to think that all I have now, is my future,
There’s no way out.
And the…
Weariness brings me to my home,
My forever waits there in the cold.
Dreariness reminds me of that.
Rain nor winters chill can take me back.

Chapter VI
Looking back now I can plainly see,
That all I thought was you was really me.
Lost inside because I saw you change,
But through the years your love remained the same.
Everything was all you gave to me,
And in return I gave dishonesty.
Why is it that we realize too late,
That all we think we need are just mistakes?

Chapter VII
And the rose you'd kept for me,
I lay now in your hand,
As your body's buried deep,
With the life we'll never have.
At times I often wonder,
If you watch over me.
If you see the lie I cover,
And desires that I keep.
#2
Starting note to say that it's not usually a kind of writing I enjoy. The rose and death is, in my mind, just a tad cliche, but it works okay here.

Quote by denizenz


Chapter I
Straight to the lie I cover,
And desires that I keep.
I think these are the weak lines here

Chapter II
I've to leave although you say you feel the same.
the wording of 'I've to leave' was just odd, could've worked but because it was at the beginning of a partial idea, it knocked me

Is all that's keeping me from this life's death.
hated 'life's death'
As I maneuver blindly,
To the door and out this place that was our house,
I forget the pain inside me,
Overcome by fear but unable to shout.

Chapter III

To open the door to new life, and to let another die.
I'd lose the 'and'

It's the crash of reality found in broken hearts,
And the end of hopes and dreams as two souls part.
broken hearts, hopes, dreams and souls parting in two lines? Bravo. I almost stopped reading here, but the form kept me going

Chapter IV
So now I've become my shadow, my deep desires freed.
apostrophe

Chapter V
Weariness brings me to myself.
Our forever gathers dust on a shelf.
shelf = too forced, made it sound silly

To a Time when my life wasn’t better or bad, only different.
semi-colon, maybe?
Filled with times that we had,
And with moments I shared with the love of my life, that are nothing.
comma?

Chapter VI
Looking back now I can plainly see,
That all I thought was you was really me.
Lost inside because I saw you change,
But through the years your love remained the same.
Everything was all you gave to me,
And in return I gave dishonesty.
Why is it that we realize too late,
That all we think we need are just mistakes?

Chapter VII
And the rose you'd kept for me,
I lay now in your hand,
As your body's buried deep,
With the life we'll never have.
At times I often wonder,
If you watch over me.
If you see the lie I cover,
And desires that I keep.


Not bad, but the rose ending with the form you wrote it in really put me off. Fairytale without the fun. However, even though I don't like it I'm sure many do, so there are a few wording etc. things that changed would make it flow easier

There ya go, love.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#3
I would agree with DigUpHerBones' annotations.
However, I do like it
I don't think there's anything bad that I can say about it. I'll have another few reads over the next few days and add anything in here that comes to mind
My current acoustic group:

Fiftieth Parallel

Martin Guitars
Elixer Strings
Acoustic amplification
BOSS pedals