#1
You should see my house.
And endless sea of paper.
Notebooks with stories that don't go anywhere,
poetry about
metaphysics and
existantialism,
because I hate not knowing things,
and I don't know why.
All the die rolls behind the scenes,
every opinion, every comparison,
I must know where I stand in
a world that keeps moving
(why do you think I'd post this piece of shit?)

I am a mad scientist
reaching for the hammock in the sky.
I'll write down my dreams of
women, offering their hands,
try and preserve the image of her living, breathing
soul, and keep it on my desk.
A little postcard from Hawaii, saying
"wish you were her"

This one is for you guys;
the click track poets,
the mad geniuses that
take a shit on paper and call it art.
That's the freedom I want.
No bills to pay, no interruptions.
Just time to get to know myself.

This is probably a piece of shit. But meh, something about it screams to be written. And I have to get away from the notion that everything I post has to try and impress you guys (since I'm horrible at that :p )
#2
Quote by Ninjamonkey767


This is probably a piece of shit. But meh, something about it screams to be written. And I have to get away from the notion that everything I post has to try and impress you guys



Good decision. It's what I've been working on too.

I'll be back, I owe you a lot.
#3
wow love it!
especially the first stanza.
I also agree with what you said right at the end as well
What is the line 'All the die rolls behind the screens' about? It doesn't really seem to fit in for me.
check out mine if you have time The newest one is 'Remember'
My current acoustic group:

Fiftieth Parallel

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Elixer Strings
Acoustic amplification
BOSS pedals

#4
first stanza: the first line is fine, the second... I don't think 'endless' is the modifier you want for sea, its kind of cliche, and also a bit redundant because when you look at the sea it does seem endless, so people will ALREADY imagine an endless sea... you don't need to tell them too. You should modify it so that we see it differently or more precisely. I like the notion of notebooks with stories that don't go anywhere. It seems to suggest someone who is crazy or paranoid. I love the line about dice rolling behind the scenes. That's pretty heavy. However, remove the last line from the first stanza or forever lose my respect.

Second stanza: I feel like its the strongest. It has the most focus, most direction i think. I'd just work on the initial sequence of images... something is missing or maybe there's too much. I'm not sure.

Third: i like the part about the shit on the paper and art, that was good. the ending was a bit weak... work on that a little and I think you'll be straight.
what comes up comes out
#5
1) Thank you for writing for you.
2) I'm not going to actually crit this since it's just your own. Liked the first stanza, loved the last one.
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theguitarist
minterman22
tateandlyle
& alaskan_ninja

#6
jon: The "die rolls behind the scenes" refers to the uncertainty in life.

I'll hit your piece up soon.

It seems to suggest someone who is crazy or paranoid


I am crazy!

remove the last line from the first stanza or forever lose my respect.


Understood. I put it in there because this was more than a poem, so trancending that plane didn't mean much to me. As a poem, I can see it without.
#7
ah that sounded harsher than i meant it. I just meant that... you need to be confident in your work or you'll always hold back. You've just got to write. You can't worry about what others will think of it.
what comes up comes out
#8
This
was
perfect.

Do I need to say more?

You wrote for you, about you, honestly, and without bias. I think this is your best work. Well done
#9
Don't care if its for you or not, still going to rip it up.

Quote by Ninjamonkey767
You should see my house.
And endless sea of paper.
Notebooks with stories that don't go anywhere,
poetry about
metaphysics and
existantialism,

Everything up to this point was good. Introspective, pointed, interesting.

because I hate not knowing things,
and I don't know why.
All the die rolls behind the scenes,
every opinion, every comparison,
I must know where I stand in
a world that keeps moving
(why do you think I'd post this piece of shit?)

And everything through this point was bad. Good ideas, but so muddled within itself that I couldn't make heads or tails of it without sitting there and really thinking about it. I mean, its all there... but there is no impact if I have to work it out. The die thing (for instance) I catch the image... but its not clear, its not developed, its halfassed. You can make that image work... and make it stand out with all the ferocity of a puppy that just learned to stand on its nose. lose the damn brackets; the aside pulls the reader out of your mood. This piece isn't about witty humor its about you and your soul and your thoughts and your penis length. Don't gyp me.

I am a mad scientist
reaching for the hammock in the sky.
I'll write down my dreams of
women, offering their hands,
try and preserve the image of her living, breathing
soul, and keep it on my desk.
A little postcard from Hawaii, saying
"wish you were her"

Love the wit in the last line. Hate the first image. Mad scientist has such a certain connotation, and you never explore why that connotation can fit you. Like saying, "I'm straight. Pineapples are tasty." One after the other doesn't explore either one fully. Develop develop develop. You're writing about your own personal life and thoughts... you have a LOT of shit to work with here. Don't cut it down and use half-assed ideas. This is a personal exploration... make it explore.

This one is for you guys;
the click track poets,
the mad geniuses that
take a shit on paper and call it art.
That's the freedom I want.
No bills to pay, no interruptions.
Just time to get to know myself.

Last 5 are golden, just need an opening that connects why you don't feel in that group. Don't particularly care for the way you address the audience. Too many focus points. This piece is (again) about your own personal place in life. I don't need you to tell me that this one is for me; it cheapens all the exploration and statements and personal truths you've pulled out so far. Makes it like you had done all of that thinking knowing someone was watching (and because of which coming to fake conclusions so you don't want us to know you were idle). This is a soliloquy of types; keep it as such.



Some good ideas, some not so good execution. Like you said, just written to be written... but you can still learn from it.

#11
I agree entirely with Zach about the bits I like and don't, but am going to add something else as to how I'd like to have seen this go...

In the first stanza you say 'and I don't know why'. This seems to me like the perfect opportunity to do exactly what you're saying you need to do in the poem and explore why you feel the need to convey the beauty of 'metaphysics and existentialism' [sp, btw], and exactly how these things hit you. Then this poem has depth and has that shine from within that shows some kind of revelation. As is, it has some really lovely things in it (I mean, really bloody lovely things) but it doesn't draw any further from the content of the first stanza to make the last stanza feel full, because from now, you've said something, you've said something else, and then you've wished for the freedom to just say things and not have to go in to deeper thought. Or that's how I took it. Then linking the last line as time to get to know yourself rather than time considering every opportunity would make this, in my eyes, pure gold.

Then again, you probably just think differently to me.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#12
I might crit this one later, but for now I'd just like to say that I love it. Excellent work.
#13
This tops so many of my favourites posted here.
I felt this bubbling in my tummy and a feeling like as if an African child had just witnessed a well spring forth from the ground and spurt fresh water in their open mouths, right in my eyes.

The lack of perfection doesn't add to this, but it only takes away slightly. Changing it will change it. Changing it will make it different. Different is not this. This is wonderful. I've said that loads of times now and I stick by it.

The cryptic nature to this is glorious, only because you combined it with brutal truths and honesty. The perfect balance that so many writers fail to reach.

Being a nit picker

- "You should see my house.
And endless sea of paper." - I think you should leave this out and really go straight into the third line. Of course, you would have to rearrange things slightly so that it would make sense, but I still feel instantly diving into the good stuff is the best here. The first two lines just set a scene and I don't think you need two lines for that, personally.

- "All the die rolls behind the scenes," - The flow of this is difficult and does take away some of the glee derived from reading this over and over again.

I love the way you brought in bills into this; just adds a little sense of humanity in an already chunky exclamation of humanity.

I can predict you will become a perennial favourite, as SYK used to say.

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