#1
This is a song I have had for a while, I wanted to see if you guys though it was any good
good/constructive crit much appreciated.
If I have time I'll have a look at some of your work as well
**=don't like the line
*=don't like the word

Remember

I could be a thousand miles from the comforts of my home,
But I am still here along with everything I own.
We will never know the truth behind this war that rages on
We fight for you not knowing even what we're fighting for

Someone rescue me from this hell on Earth
I will not be standing if I am here for long.
the bombs crashing around me and the poison-gas that is floating on the wind
Leave me wondering;
Why not me and why it is always them


Twenty thousand people on the first day of the Somme
Twenty thousand lives that could have lasted for so long
We are fighting for medals and for scars just so you will notice us,
Our foes could well have been our friends if it hadn't been for you.

Someone rescue me from this hell on Earth
I will not be standing if I am here for long.
The bombs crashing around me and the poison-gas that is floating on the wind
Leave me wondering;
Why not me And why it is always them


(Bridge)
As I walk through the empty city streets;
I cannot help but think Why?
I hear a child's voice crying out
"Someone help me, Someone save me now"
Generations from this time right now people will be born.
They will live a life of sorrow,
A life of wishing, "Why can't I be them?"

Ten thousand* graves guard the way
Shattered lives and our dismay*
Bullet holes like poppies,
Flowering with blood
White crosses stand row on row
Stretching out forever
Epitaphs on each one pleading you to remember

Someone rescue me from this hell that we call Earth.
I will not be standing if I am here for long.
Instead I will be buried six feet under as a direct result of you
The only consolation I have
At least I do not have to live anymore

_____________

Most likely I will change the title so any suggestions would be good
Here's some of the possiblities:
Remember
Epitaph (not so sure but it could be good included in a name :S )
Why Not Me?
My current acoustic group:

Fiftieth Parallel

Martin Guitars
Elixer Strings
Acoustic amplification
BOSS pedals

#2
Very good overall. Some of the lines seem out of time or like they don't fit, but it depends on the music behind them since it's a song. This line in particular, "The bombs crashing around me and the poison-gas that is floating on the wind" seems really out of place.

The line, "Why not me and why it is always them" seems very clumsy. Changing "it is" to "is it" will make it less awkward, but if it were mine, I may try to reorder everything while leaving a half rhyme with the word "wind".

You may consider changing "ten thousand graves" to "twenty thousand". I see you don't like the word thousand, but at least it would be consistent with previous lines.
#3
Lotta cliche images in there. It seems to take a common approach to the subject. Get rid of the whole "we" approach. If nothing seems to be making sense, it's more of an internal struggle, rather than a struggle with your brothers. You can take the "brothers" approach, but it doesn't seem to fit the piece to me.

Also, I'd suggest less focus on the actual wrongdoings themselves. Turn it into more of a developing perspective. It seems like you take alot of the wrongdoings and line them up into one-line missles, and it reduces the coherency.

Personally, I could see this alot shorter. It's hard to pull off this subject with realism when so many lines could go wrong. I'd have this piece focus more on the character himself, and how this affects his personality and perspective.

That's all I gots
#4
Fair enough
thanks to you both as well
I would reduce the bridge to probably the equivilant of one of the two parts. I just came up with the second part about half an hour before I posted so I just stuck it in there.
The line, "Why not me and why it is always them" seems very clumsy
is a typo. It's meant to be "why is it" thanks for pointing it out.
"The bombs crashing around me and the poison-gas that is floating on the wind" seems really out of place.
how do you mean out of place? rhythmically? or the context is out of place?
Ninjamonkey767, would you mind pointing out a few of the cliche parts?

Also a very good point with the 'one line missile' thing . I'll have a look at it over the next few days change a lot of it.
Thanks guys, very much appreciated I'll get round to having a look at some of your stuff as well

EDIT: sorry if it's a stupid question but 'developing perspective'??
My current acoustic group:

Fiftieth Parallel

Martin Guitars
Elixer Strings
Acoustic amplification
BOSS pedals

Last edited by jon93971 at Nov 11, 2008,
#6
I mean developing perspective as far as how he views things. Just what the situation does to him, and how it makes him feel. I guess "developing perspective" wasn't the right thing to say.

As far as the cliche's:

We fight for you not knowing even what we're fighting for
Someone rescue me from this hell on Earth
Our foes could well have been our friends if it hadn't been for you.
The bombs crashing around me
Instead I will be buried six feet under as a direct result of you

Also the usage of "we" alot, and constantly asking "why?".
#7
ah. Thanks a lot
I'll have a decent look at it and try to change things around in the next few days.
A may end up rewriting the whole song :S
Anyway thanks and I'll het round to looking at your stuff as well as denizenz
My current acoustic group:

Fiftieth Parallel

Martin Guitars
Elixer Strings
Acoustic amplification
BOSS pedals

#8
There's two main problems I have with this one. The first is the large use of pronouns become too confusing. Us, you, them, we, it becomes difficult to discern who is who and what is what. Here's an example.

Quote by jon93971

Twenty thousand people on the first day of the Somme
Twenty thousand lives that could have lasted for so long
We are fighting for medals and for scars just so you will notice us,
Our foes could well have been our friends if it hadn't been for you.


In the last line, who is you? Is it Gavrilo Princip? The people of his country? It's too vague and there isn't enough supporting a good image for the reader. It's good to avoid being too direct, but it can go the other way with vaguery.

My second beef is mostly related to the fact you said this was a song. Reading through it, the phrasing of sentences is something I found difficult to read, let alone imagine someone singing. For example:

At least I do not have to live anymore


The "I do not have to" part sounds incredibly awkward, and I'm sure you can find a much better way to implement this idea.

This is just a pointer of a few things, the ideas of which you can apply to most of the piece. I appreciate the ideas behind it, but I think the delivery needs some modification before it can become truly effective.

Thanks for reading, and good luck.

#9
Quote by jon93971

A may end up rewriting the whole song :S
Anyway thanks and I'll het round to looking at your stuff as well as denizenz

I wouldn't say an entire rewrite is necessary, and I would appreciate your comments on my piece:

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=997506