#1
i bought my first suit
and now i brag about being the only one with a tie.
how mundane the workplace is.
how focused i am on adjusting my chair's height
only to put it into the same position everyday.
beliefs about hygiene and how
i'm shaving myself away.

like a pocket knife
sharpening short sticks
and cutting leg hairs.
it mimics.
Last edited by pixiesfanyo at Nov 11, 2008,
#3
Quote by pixiesfanyo
i bought my first suit
and now i brag about being the only one with a tie.
how mundane the workplace is. You have set up the dry tone of this piece really well, but I don't like this line. It is necessary to mention that you are in a workplace, but I think this is too obvious.
how focused i am on adjusting my chair's height
only to put it into the same position everyday.
beliefs about hygiene and how
i'm shaving myself away. Didn't like the line break at all, in fact, to be honest, I hated it. I also didn't like "and how I'm shaving myself away". It felt too weak an ending

like a pocket knife
sharpening short sticks
and cutting leg hairs.
it mimics.I didn't understand this. The words and iamgery were fantastic, but it made no sense to me at all. Great ending regardless


Well, apart from losing me at the ending (I'm slightly thick with deciphering imagery - haha, a poet who can't decipher imagery ) and those few little nit-picking things, this was very enjoyable. nowhere near your best though. But still good. THanks for the comment on mine
#4
I am assuming the title is the amount of one of your checks you recived recently. man, sorry to hear that things are going ho-hum in the work place. i am curious what you are up to now as far as work goes. this certainly leaves a nice impact here, even with it shortish length.
#5
i'm waiting so much checks are actually around 6 cents they take out all the taxes from the tips i claim. i was actually trying to obtain a sarcastic tone through the whole thing. the first stanza is suppose to be that cliche explanation of being another person in a suit and how fruitless it is. second stanza is trying to establish how childish that is and how you're simply just mimicing an idea.
#7
You set the tone very well in the first few lines. The first stanza is fantastic and could stand very well on its own; 'i'm shaving myself away' ends it very well.
Then the last stanza begins and it sounds 'cool' but you've really lost me as far as the effect goes.

Still a good piece.
Quote by Arthur Curry
it's official, vintage x metal is the saving grace of this board and/or the antichrist




e-married to
theguitarist
minterman22
tateandlyle
& alaskan_ninja