#1
This is an old piece that has just been tumbling around and I'm sick of messing with it. So here you are. Have at it. The line breaks took ages to reach this stage so I'm hoping they compliment the theme efectively. Also, I hate the title. That opinion may change if prompted.



Suicide is Painfully Hard


Man kills himself at twenty, he was five years too late.
tears drove his car into trees, concrete
and children, kids
without a hope on earth.
What a glorious combination of life, death
and a little bit of whats in between?

I took driving lessons the other day;
I prayed that I would pass.
when I returned home to open my mail
- in a dreamland it would be that quick -
I noticed the stamp cruelly
fueling my life.

If only I could drive, I thought,
I would certainly drive into a tree.
If only I could steer,
I would steer into every wall I see.
If only I could drive,
I would get drunk every night
and knock down as many kids as I can

When people say, “suicide is the easy way out”
they're so wrong,

suicide is damn hard.


Digitally Clean
Last edited by AngryGoldfish at Nov 12, 2008,
#2
The first stanza is magical ! It's so wonderfully straightforward... Everything else is a bit weak though, except the last three lines which made a good conclusion. Not much I can help but that first stanza really entangled me. Oh, and just call it "Suicide", the whole title kind of announces the conclusion of the piece; just "suicide" remains more ambiguous and vague, even though it sounds cheap... Or just name it like a Fall Out Boy song with three hundred and fifty-nine words
#3
Quote by AngryGoldfish
This is an old piece that has just been tumbling around and I'm sick of messing with it. So here you are. Have at it. The line breaks took ages to reach this stage so I'm hoping they compliment the theme efectively. Also, I hate the title. That opinion may change if prompted.



Suicide is Painfully Hard


Man kills himself at 20, he was 5 years too late.
tears drove his car into trees, concrete
I don't like the fact that "tears" did the driving. It just don't feel right.
and children, kids
without a hope on earth.
What a glorious combination of life, death
and a little bit of whats in between?
I think this last couple could have been expanded on. Then again, there's nothing wrong with leaving it the way it is.

As a whole, this stanza has a jerkiness about it that serves it well, but is also approached incorrectly at points. "Children, kids" was unneccessarily awkward, just remove kids. And maybe you could move "concrete" down into its own line.

Girl jumps from a roof in summertime.
“No pain, no gain”-
that was her fathers motto.
He was the brutal cliché that
encapsulated the tradition
of men ruining woman.

Meh, makes sense, but I don't care. Something about it is just so uninteresting. Sorry.

I took driving lessons the other day;
I prayed that I would pass.
when I returned home to open my mail
- in a dreamland it would be that quick -
HHHHHAAAAATTTTTEEEE that line. By itself, it's awkward enough, but it doesn't really even have a place among the stanza. Kill it. Kill it dead.
I noticed the stamp cruelly
encapsulating my life.

I enjoyed this stanza, as it was very relatable. Pick another word for "encapsulate", as it's too big to be said twice

If only I could drive, I thought,
I would certainly drive into a tree.
If only I could steer,
I would steer into every wall I see.
If only I could drive,
I would get drunk every night
and knock down as many kids as I can
Suicide and driving is an okay combination, but you shouldn't couple it with "if only I could drive". The fact that you can drive shouldn't cause you to kill yourself. In fact, it's quite the opposite. Tell your character to get his scrawny butt in the car and drive anyway. He'll hit something, kill someone, and it be a perfect picture of how incompetent he (feels he) is.

When people say, “suicide is the easy way out”
they're so wrong,

suicide is damn hard.
I don't think anything you've said leads me to this conclusion. It just doesn't seem to fit with the rest of the piece. The girl in particular doesn't fit, because she was getting away from the "no pain, no gain" thought. If this is what you were driving for, I would do some serious reworking. But honestly, I like the piece the way it is. Just cut this bit out.

Digitally Clean


Understandable results coming from a piece that's been tumbling around as you said. Not bad, but not fantastic. I hope what I've said can help you edit the piece to your liking, if you choose to do so.
Last edited by Ninjamonkey767 at Nov 11, 2008,
#4
Sorry this isn't a more precise crit, but overall, I like it. It makes the point, and shows that some people just can't end it, even if they want to. I wouldn't call this a complete masterpeice, but it is pretty good.
#5
I think the form worked wonderfully.
I don't think the concept did, though.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#6
Ditto Bones. I could read of the time invested in the line breaks, however, and I didn't much care for "encapsulating" - the fact that it showed up twice made me sort of cringe.

On a minor note, "men ruining woman". eh?

This concept is a tough one to pull off with originality. Such is why I like it

If you've put as much time and brain waves into this as you say, I would let this one rest the way it is. Sometimes, it's good to sit on a poem for a little while, and sometimes it's good to just allow it to be. I think this one is the latter.
#8
Spike, I believe you have my thoughts correctly. I've altered this so much that I have become proud enough with it to leave it. If I was to change it to make it any better, I feel like I would be altering everything and I don't want that.
People don't like the concept because it's too personal. It's kind of like writing about love... you either reach into it deeply or barely at all.

Thanks folks.
#9
No, I didn't like the concept because you can kill yourself in other ways than crashing your car. If it was a seamless metaphor, I'm sure I would've loved it. I think the idea is good.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#10


I agree, many people don't like it because it's too personal. For me, my writing was meaningless until I found this concept (i.e. best friend's suicide), and I think that because it's so personal, I'm very critical of it, as well as it being something I've written about and more or less not moved on from.

But, indeed, there are other ways to kill yourself than a car crash. Many more universal, all-encompassing, and overall more interesting ways.
#11
Well, the idea is not about killing yourself, it's not about how I want to kill myself - I'm not just writing about my feelings - I'm trying to convey the desperation of life and how driving yourself into a wall is not as easy as it seems. Driving is not an illustration for suicide, it is a method of suicide, I realise now that I don't want to name suicidal options, I just want to say - Driving is hard - driving yourself into a wall is even harder -
The first two verses put me off this piece because they didn't really fit into it very well - I understand what everyone means now - as soon as I talk about driving, I quite like it. Although, the two stanzas preceding are good, in my opinion, they are just spoilt due to their positioning and standing.
#12
Anyway, getting rid of the other stanza helped a lot.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#13
Makes a bit more sense now, glad to be around for your realization.

Anyone can say they would go cliffdiving, but once you're up there, you realize that it's a bit tougher than it looked from the ground.
#14
yeah, the title is a but too punny to be taken seriously

Man kills himself at 20, he was 5 years too late.
tears drove his car into trees, concrete
and children, kids
without a hope on earth.
What a glorious combination of life, death
and a little bit of whats in between?

Im not too sure about the tears metaphor. at a glance it seemed too literal and that made me laugh. the last thing you want in a piece like this is for the wrong humour to destroy your message before people have read it.
also, the "Kids without a hope on earth" doesnt seem to fit right. i think it needs a little elaboration. it seems to be left hanging. like its an empty statement, just as a bit of filler.
final two lines are great.


I took driving lessons the other day;
I prayed that I would pass.
when I returned home to open my mail
- in a dreamland it would be that quick -
I noticed the stamp cruelly
fueling my life.

i dont really get this stanza. why would a suicidal person wait until they could drive legally to do it?

If only I could drive, I thought,
I would certainly drive into a tree.
If only I could steer,
I would steer into every wall I see.
If only I could drive,
I would get drunk every night
and knock down as many kids as I can

this is mostly fine, except for the "every wall i see" part. surely you would only get a decent crack at one wall.

When people say, “suicide is the easy way out”
they're so wrong,

suicide is damn hard.

ending is fine pithy, and it gets rid of any shred of doubt of what the piece is about.

i think you have a good concept here. the execution is just a bit clumsy here and there.
maybe it needs to stray a little further from the whole driving metaphor.

peace out
--------------------i'm definitely the alphaest male here--------------------
#15
I dunno. It just seems like you're trying to hard with this one. It doesn't seem genuine. It's like you wrote it for the effect of the reader rather than for yourself.
It's not that it's bad. It's good. It's just not you. It's words.
Quote by Arthur Curry
it's official, vintage x metal is the saving grace of this board and/or the antichrist




e-married to
theguitarist
minterman22
tateandlyle
& alaskan_ninja

#16
^ Wow, that's pretty accurate really. I never seem to be able to tell how I feel about a piece or whether it's any good or not, I just guess.
Thanks.