#1
OTS. I know what I was trying to say but it didn't come out the way I wanted it to, so crits would be very helpful.


Remember when we played Barbies and
whenever they'd kiss, we'd have a
terrible guilt in our stomach? hoping
our parents would never discover
we were being naughty

Now we have realized that
we don't actually have B's pasted between our hips.
Boys have upgraded from
those pillows they practice kissing on
to Anatomy 101

Unfortunately, our stomachs don't sink with
the same guilt anymore -
We've grown into busty ladies
or at least, we doll ourselves up to be.
Our dresses have zippers instead of velcro but
come off just as easily - it's fine, really, as long as
we don't get caught.


Remember that day we put our dolls away
and asked each other if people learn the truth about everything
when they go to heaven?
I said they did
and we had some peace of mind after we made Malibu Barbie and Ken hook up.
Years later (but not long enough) I take it back;
there's no way a parent can rest in peace
after learning the secret life of their little girl.
Quote by Arthur Curry
it's official, vintage x metal is the saving grace of this board and/or the antichrist




e-married to
theguitarist
minterman22
tateandlyle
& alaskan_ninja

Last edited by vintage x metal at Nov 11, 2008,
#2
I like it. The idea of people not wanting their parents to see what they do, the way they really are, and the shame they feel, is pretty universal, but, as far as I know, has not been written about very much. Well done.

If you'll do crit4crit, I really need an opinion on Suffocate and You Told Me.
#3
i'm really not a fan of Caps at the beginning of each line.
imho, they should be used to start a sentence or thought, instead.
i just messes with my brain when the sentence starts in the middle of the line
but the Cap falls in the middle sentence.



Remember when we played Barbies and
Whenever they'd kiss, we'd have a
Terrible guilt in our stomach? hoping that
that sticks out like a sore thumb.
you don't really need it
and it repeats to end the next line.

Our parents would never find out that
could you use discover instead of find out that?
i get the feeling you're intentionally trying to keep the language simple,
but this wouldn't make it all that high-brow.

We were being naughty

Now we have learned that
another that.
you can do without it, me thinks.
or if you rid yourself of the others,
this one won't be as annoying.

We don't actually have B's pasted between our hips.
Boys have upgraded from
Those pillows they practice kissing on to
i'd like to see a comma after on, or
break to off to start the next line.
just a minor thing, really.
it may not even be grammatically correct.
just helps me separate the phrases.

Anatomy 101

Unfortunately, our stomachs don't develop
That guilt anymore -
i could hear this as fill with or experience the
instead of develop that. idk.

We've grown into busty ladies
Or at least, we doll ourselves up to be.
Our dresses have zippers instead of velcro but
Come off just as easily, which is fine as long as
give some thought to deleting which is
and just start at fine,
maybe close what precedes it, with a full stop too?

We don't get caught


Remember that day we put our dolls away
And asked each other if people learn the truth about everything
When they go to heaven?
I said they did
And we had some peace of mind after we made Malibu Barbie and Ken hook up.
Years later (but not long enough) I take it back;
There's no way a parent can rest in peace
After learning the secret life of their little girl.

wasn't enamoured with this until the very end.
that added another layer to it, just in time for the reader to ponder on his own.
Meadows
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#4
^ The caps bothered me too, Dom. I do it in half and don't do it in the others; I guess I haven't made a clear decision yet.
That was very helpful. I just needed someone to be picky with me. Edit will be up in a second.
Quote by Arthur Curry
it's official, vintage x metal is the saving grace of this board and/or the antichrist




e-married to
theguitarist
minterman22
tateandlyle
& alaskan_ninja

#5
This was much better. Finally a piece of yours I can dig my teeth into and really enjoy. Not a dull moment in this, and I can find myself connecting, even from a male perspective. A brilliant piece
#6
Remember when we played Barbies and
whenever they'd kiss, we'd have a
terrible guilt in our stomach? hoping
our parents would never discover
we were being naughty

my only real problem with this is the line break after hoping.
it seems a bit odd. stunts the flow a bit.


Now we have realized that
we don't actually have B's pasted between our hips.
Boys have upgraded from
those pillows they practice kissing on
to Anatomy 101
Unfortunately, our stomachs don't sink with
the same guilt anymore -
We've grown into busty ladies
or at least, we doll ourselves up to be.
Our dresses have zippers instead of velcro but
come off just as easily - it's fine, really, as long as
we don't get caught.

this is where it starts getting good. its great how youve shown the transition from innocence to ambivalence. the "unfortunately" makes it subtly nostalgic
the matter of factness of it is perfect.
after a couple of reads though, the "doll ourselves up" seems like maybe its a bit too obvious of a pun.


Remember that day we put our dolls away
and asked each other if people learn the truth about everything
when they go to heaven?
I said they did
and we had some peace of mind after we made Malibu Barbie and Ken hook up.
Years later (but not long enough) I take it back;
there's no way a parent can rest in peace
after learning the secret life of their little girl.

this is fine, apart from the "when they get to heaven?" line. it seems to come from nowhere. makes the rest seem disjointed, but thats just down to the break again.
also the "(but not long enough)" just seems a tad clumsy. the brackets slow it down, whereas the rest flows so nicely.
the last two lines are excellent. spot on ending.

this is a really tight piece.diction and tone never lull and the barbie and ken thing carries nicely throughout, and doesnt get stale.
i love the feel of jaded nostalgia. captured perfectly.
apart from the one or two minor problems i said, i enjoyed this.
nice one.
--------------------i'm definitely the alphaest male here--------------------
#7
This is really good. It's not at all cliche. In fact, it's a truly refreshing outlook on growing up. And the use of first person is very effective. And I guess there's something about your diction that I really like. I suppose you use homely language. I don't know.. I'm still thinking on it.

And I really like the line "or at least, we doll ourselves up to be."
#8
Quote by vintage x metal
OTS. I know what I was trying to say but it didn't come out the way I wanted it to, so crits would be very helpful.


Remember when we played Barbies and
whenever they'd kiss, we'd have a
terrible guilt in our stomach? hoping
our parents would never discover
we were being naughty
Nice little starting point

Now we have realized that
we don't actually have B's pasted between our hips.
Boys have upgraded from
those pillows they practice kissing on
to Anatomy 101
Didn't really get this stanza. It flows nicely but I'm not sure of the subject.

Unfortunately, our stomachs don't sink with
the same guilt anymore -
We've grown into busty ladies
or at least, we doll ourselves up to be.
Our dresses have zippers instead of velcro but
come off just as easily - it's fine, really, as long as
we don't get caught.
I liked this a lot, nice writing and great subjects.


Remember that day we put our dolls away
and asked each other if people learn the truth about everything
when they go to heaven?
I said they did
and we had some peace of mind after we made Malibu Barbie and Ken hook up.
Years later (but not long enough) I take it back;
there's no way a parent can rest in peace
after learning the secret life of their little girl.
Intricate and deep, like it. Quite dark, I don't completely understand fully but the idea is simple and effective enough for me

I like this Saadia, I like it a lot. Some very good, intricate, deep writing about subjects I've never delved into - I think you cover it very well. The idea is simple enough but I think there's something deeper behind it that I don't quite understand - I've spent some time reading it through and I'm still not sure, but I think it's excellent: good writing accentuated by easy flowing subjects and enjambment. Good job.