#1
Crit4Crit. This is another Slipknot style one. The BOLD are yelled, Italics are sung mellowly, and normal are done fast, aggressively.

Can you feel your veins,
THEY'RE CLOSING IN!
Can you feel the pain,
IT'S ALL WITHIN!

Drowning so alone,
WHAT CAN YOU DO!
Suffocating on your,
OWN RESIDUE!

Can you feel your fear,
IT'S ALL THAT'S LEFT!
Do you still see the tears,
DANCE ON YOUR CHEST!

Do you remember when your lies,
ALMOST KILLED!
Do you remember when dying,
WAS, YOUR ONLY WILL!

Do you remember,
before December... now it's...
so dying... so cold...


Do you see the walls,
THEY'RE GETTING CLOSER
Is there anything at all,
THAT HASN'T GOTTEN COLDER!

Now come on you might,
HAVE TO RUN!
You will have to fight,
TO STAY IN THE SUN!

Or do you want the chill,
TO REACH YOUR BONES
assuring that you will,
BE ALL ALONE!

Your heart, like your eyes,
WILL FILL WITH HATE!
The meaning in your lies,
WILL HAVE TO WAIT!

Do you remember...
before December....
before your mind turned to so cold...
Do you remember...
before December...
before your lies were told...



I need to write the last verse, and then this will be done. So, what do you think?
Last edited by herby190 at Nov 16, 2008,
#2
I liked the first verse, the rhyming sounded good. I didn't like the second verse much because the third line isn't a complete thought like the other normal lines. It needs the screaming to "finish the line."

For the third verse, on the last line, I would put "Dance" instead of "Once". And I don't like the fourth verse much.

I like the italics part, it fits well in my opinion.

The fifth and sixth verses sound pretty good. And I like the rest of the song.

Overall, I liked it. It seemed to flow pretty good.