#1
this one's a legit song. I'm not at all happy with it, but that's where you guys come in. ;]

I have yet to record the guitar and singing, so you get to use your imagination. I'm actually unsure as to how I'll record those, since I fail at singing. We'll see. Otherwise, the drum/bass/brass parts will be on my profile momentarily, check it out if you're interested.

Oh, and the title's shamelessly inspired by ZC's "Wine Glass Religion". And the second line's lifted from an autmnal poem. I would've asked permission, but the comp was anonymous. I loooove you guys


red cup religion

I drove past all the lonesome trees
and hipsters taking pictures of dying leaves.
It seemed silly and somewhat profound,
All those lonely lenses, their eyes to the ground.

a girl takes communion in a bathroom stall,
carves her gospel into that filthy wall.
she had a vision of brimstone and love
and found religion in a red cup.

She brought her blackened tongue to a gunfight;
oh, she set out to set it right.
her loaded words and bullets flew,
--“If only everything was as easy as you”.

EDIT: it's on my band profile, guys, not mine.
http://artists.ultimate-guitar.com/somethingvague/

you might want to turn it up a lil', because the synth at the end is disproportionately quiet.

And please keep in mind it's a rough demo I threw together in 15 minutes.

/excuses
I owe a ton of people critiques.

If you're one of them, please PM me.

I have trouble keeping track.
Last edited by Fly, Marlowe at Nov 11, 2008,
#2
Quote by Fly, Marlowe

red cup religion

I drove past all the lonesome trees
and hipsters taking pictures of dying leaves.
It seemed silly and somewhat profound,
All those lonely lenses, their eyes to the ground.This was a beuatiful, and perfect beginning

a girl takes communion in a bathroom stall,
carves her gospel into that filthy wall.
she had a vision of brimstone and love
and found religion in a red cup. These last two lines do not work at all. They are not only weak, but throw out the rhyming structure you created

She brought her blackened tongue to a gunfight;
oh, she set out to set it right.
her loaded words and bullets flew,
--“If only everything was as easy as you”. This was good, except for the second line, it didn't pack enough punch after the first line



Well, this was great fun to read, and I'd love to hear it sung. A few lines need some work though, but with some revisions, this will be very good
#3
This is funny, because if I'm not mistaken the "anonymous" writer you lifted your line from was Matt, aka Something_Vague, which is also the name of your group.

Anyway, silliness aside, I enjoyed it. The first stanza was probably my least favourite, mostly because the rhyming was overtly obvious to me and the other stanzas were much better at employing rhyme without making it seem forced. Besides that small bit, I like the content, and your imagery is great.
#4
I disagree rush4life, I enjoyed the first stanza immensely.

I do however, agree with the assessment by kdownes. I'd try to keep the rhyming scheme throughout, and maybe change the wording of a few lines to increase their impact. Also, was there actually a shooting? If not, perhaps change the line "her loaded words and bullets flew" to "her loaded words like bullets flew".

If you don't mind doing C4C, I would like to attract some comments for my submission: https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=997506
#5
I read your words prior to reading the actual song and thought, right, I'm going to ready myself to tear this up... tearing this up is beyond my abilities. Ask someone else.

One thing I noticed is that this is overly short. That said, I understand that 2 mins for the recording is not a lot in itself so it limited you as to what you could reach. That excuse is not always wise to listen to, though. There is no shame in altering a song, but don't do it if it makes you uncomfortable. Go with your gut.

- "carves her gospel into that filthy wall." - Don't like the use of "that" in this line.

- "she had a vision of brimstone and love
and found religion in a red cup." - This felt misjudged; not perfected when it needed to be.

Overall, this was a cracking read; really fun to witness and a slugggg right to the temple.

Digitally Clean
#6
Quote by rush4life
This is funny, because if I'm not mistaken the "anonymous" writer you lifted your line from was Matt, aka Something_Vague, which is also the name of your group.
.

For serious? I didn't realize that piece was his XD.
At any rate, the group name was in mind before I joined UG, so I'm sorry to say Matt can't claim much influence there. Still, I should probably ask him about that line...

Besides that, thank you muchly for your feedback =]

@ kdownes: I have mixed feelings about the S2 ending, but I'm kind of fond of it, so I'll probably end up keeping it with some minor edits. I fully agree concerning S3 L2, though, and as soon as we get a singer picked fo' sho', I'll have to discuss that line with him/her. I should probably just rewrite it now, but it fits in with the planned melody nicely... Hm....
At any rate, thanks for your time!

@denizenz: Yes, I keep getting mixed feedback about the first stanza[verse?]. I don't know. I'll probably end up keeping it, just out of indecisiveness XD. I'll certainly mull over the bullet line, though. Thanks for bringing it to my attention =]
(oh, and I'll be sure to get to that piece asap)

@AngryGoldfish: Yeah, I'm definitely working on extending the song itself. Hopefully the guitar/verse additions will be helpful, as I don't think singing will take place during any of the parts that are already uploaded. I do agree with your 'that' commentary--I shall consider how to best edit that, certainly.
Thanks for the read and response!
I owe a ton of people critiques.

If you're one of them, please PM me.

I have trouble keeping track.