#1
My best friends brother, who was like my little brother, commited suicide Wed. November 5th. I am not very good at expressing my emotions, and I am havign a difficult time with this, so tried to write a song, but I do not think it is good. Any criticism is much appreciated. Thank you


I first heard the news about a half past eleven,
That you left us here and went on to heaven.
All I can ask is who did you wrong?
My sorrow could never be expressed in this song.

Brother, brother, that’s who you were to me.
Even heaven has improved since you passed,
That I can guarantee.
November fifth will forever live in infamy.

I have known you ten long years,
And I’ll try to live on the best I can,
Though sometimes I can’t help but to shed my tears.
As they fall from my face, your memory I embrace.
And I’ll for ever hope that once more you’ll appear.

I’m sorry that you weren’t happy here,
There’s so much more we could have done.
I don’t know what caused your life to fizzle,
My little brother T-dizzle.
One day we’re out having fun, now you’ve disappeared.
Gone like the bullet out of a smoking gun.

Brother, brother, that’s who you were to me.
Even heaven has improved since you passed,
That I can guarantee.
November fifth will forever live in infamy.

I know you’ve left our sad little world,
And have joined the saints in a better place.
You were always free, free as a bird.
The truest man I ever knew, you could never be replaced
We can forever ask ourselves what if?
But I know you are with Jesus smoking a spliff.

Brother, brother, that’s who you were to me.
Even heaven has improved since you passed,
That I can guarantee.
November fifth will forever live in infamy.


There is a time when we’ll meet again,
You, me, Nathan and Ben.
I will see my little brother Evan,
When my judgment comes and I’m in heaven.
#3
im sorry this happend...


could use some tweaking, it helps to sing the song how you would normally and edit what doesn't sound right
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#5
This brought a tear to my eye reading it...
Well, it was well written, except occasionally the rhymes seemed forced. It's not absolutely necessary to rhyme.
#6
thank you so much. if you guys let me know what lines seem forced to you i will maybe change them and not rhyme completely.

edit. and if you post a piece i will try to crit it

edit x2. I have made some adjustments to the piece.

I first heard the news about a half past eleven,
That you left us here and went on to heaven.
All I can ask is who did you wrong?
My sorrow could never be expressed in this song.

Brother, brother, that’s who you were to me.
Even heaven has improved since you passed,
That I can guarantee.
November fifth you set yourself free.

I’ve known you ten long years.
You’d want me to live on the best I can,
Though sometimes I can’t help but to shed my tears.
As they fall from my face, your memory I embrace.
And I’ll forever hope that once more you’ll appear.

I’m sorry that you weren’t happy here,
There’s so much more we could have done.
I don’t know what caused your life to fizzle,
My little brother T-dizzle.
One day we’re out having fun, now you’ve disappeared.
Gone like the bullet from a smoking gun.

Brother, brother, that’s who you were to me.
Even heaven has improved since you passed,
That I can guarantee.
November fifth you set yourself free.

Now you’ve left our sad little world,
And have joined the saints in a better place.
You were always free, free as a bird.
The truest man I ever knew, you could never be replaced
We can keep asking ourselves what if?
But I know you are with Jesus smoking a spliff.

Brother, brother, that’s who you were to me.
Even heaven has improved since you passed,
That I can guarantee.
November fifth you set yourself free.

There is a time when we’ll meet again,
You, me, Nathan and Ben.
I will see my little brother Evan,
When my judgment comes and I’m in heaven.
Last edited by Ramblin'_Man at Nov 13, 2008,
#8
I love the title. That's what drew me to it. And I don't know how to crit this seeing as how what it's about it. I'm sorry for your loss, but it SEEMS elementary. I'm not saying it's bad, because I did really like many parts of it.

But the first two lines with the time passage and "heaven", yes, forced, which makes it SEEM elementary. It's a very sad and "grown-up" subject that has so much emotion involved that it doesn't need to be forced into fitting.

In situations like this, just write what you feel.

Keep writing though, amazing potential.
If you were a man I would punch you. I would punch you right in the mouth.
#9
Thank you Karma. That is what I was having trouble with. It is a very hard thing for me to write about and I didn't know how to make it seem more mature, I wrote what I was feeling a few days after I heard about Evan (R.I.P.) and it was difficult. I don't want it to sound fake because it was all I could write at the time. Also, I am only 18 now. But thanks for the help.