#1
I'm finding myself intrinsically cynical;
my humour humour's pinnacle, doing
myself in with graphite instead of lead.

A wordmonger for the batting lashes,
catharsis for the dark. A million little
exorcisms overnight, led alone in bed.

I find death in the living room, tears
on crow-foot cheeks. Forced to love/
hate the face in front; certain/instead

I'm home/not, I've seen my brain divorce
my head over and over again. I might
not smile, I might not laugh. Be dead,

then be alive, I said.


I want to crit back, just hard to atm. Sorry guyses. And girlses.
Last edited by Jammydude44 at Nov 12, 2008,
#2
Quote by Jammydude44
I'm finding myself intrinsically cynical;
my humour humour's pinnacle, doing
myself in with graphite instead of lead.

I love the first stanza, especially the "doing myself in with graphite instead of lead." The internal rhyme instead of lead is on the clever side, I'll admit. The only suggestion I have is that you should put a comma after the first humour.

A wordmonger for the batting lashes,
catharsis for the dark. A million little
exorcisms overnight, led alone in bed.

Wow. Wordmonger, awesome hahaha. Little is a bit weak, though nothing too terrible. Again, way to end with internal rhyme, I like it. Though this one seems a bit more forced than the last.

I find death in the living room, tears
on crow-foot cheeks. Forced to love/
hate the face in front; certain/instead

Not as powerful as the past two stanzas, but still good. I'm not so sure I understand the certain/instead, so that may have something to do with why I don't like it as much.

I'm home/not, I've seen my brain divorce
my head over and over again. I might
not smile, I might not laugh. Be dead,

then be alive, I said.

This last stanza is incredible. I love it. No suggestions, keep it as it is.

I want to crit back, just hard to atm. Sorry guyses. And girlses.


Wonderfully wonderful. Keep up the great writing.
#4
Very fun and interesting. It's cool to see the old school rhyme schemes done with something more than imitation. Leave the slashes for the hip hoppers, use dashes - instead
#5
I like this. It has a "coffee house" feel to it like something you'd expect to hear at an open mic poetry reading. Great imagery and word selection.

I really have nothing to suggest, merely wanted to say how much I like it.
#6
It was fun and entirely solid. You're growing and growing and growing and growing and you're growing to be bloody great.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#7
Quote by #1 synth
I hated the slashes. the rest was pretty damn good. maybe the best i've seen from you. keep up the good work and welcome back.


Very fun and interesting. It's cool to see the old school rhyme schemes done with something more than imitation. Leave the slashes for the hip hoppers, use dashes - instead


Aha spike

If I was to get rid of the slashes, I wouldn't use the dash, doesn't have the affect of "or" about it. I've used them in several pieces, for me they're a cool way to show contrasting ideas or feelings. I'll admit it digs the flow a little, but I think it's something that can be read past, if I can get you into the piece I think they're okay to accept.

But I'll bear it in mind. I tend to use them sparingly.

Thanks guyses. And Kath
#8
I found this difficult to read, but not in a bad way. It was thick and complex, highly detailed. I enjoyed the rhyming scheme. What I didn't like was "humour humour's pinnacle", maybe because I didn't get what you were trying to say. Great piece of writing, though I really agree about those damned slashes. Maybe use parenthesis?
#9
Fourth stanza was perfection. I didn't mind the slashes as much, I just read it out loud and it worked fine. If you don't want rap connotations just don't think about them.

I've missed reading you, Jamie.

This was more than good.
This is not a pipe
#10
Quote by Jammydude44
Aha spike

If I was to get rid of the slashes, I wouldn't use the dash, doesn't have the affect of "or" about it. I've used them in several pieces, for me they're a cool way to show contrasting ideas or feelings. I'll admit it digs the flow a little, but I think it's something that can be read past, if I can get you into the piece I think they're okay to accept.

But I'll bear it in mind. I tend to use them sparingly.


Touché, my friend. I can deal with them, as long as you can hook me in.