#1
I have never written so much as a poem before, but something happened tonight that inspired me to write song lyrics. So in like 5 minutes I jotted down my thoughts into notepad. I haven't edited yet, and I know they are not anywhere close to being good or song lyrics yet, but what do you think for a start?

I thought I knew you but I don't.
You keep me by the side of you
Just to make me happy.
While you quietly think to yourself
When is he going to leave me alone.

We have slowly drifted apart
Knowing you have met others who are better.
and you keep me by your side
Even though I don't matter.

I feel lied too
I feel betrayed
I feel like it would be better if we hadn't have met.
Then my life wouldn't have been filled with regret.

If you could look into my head and see my thoughts
you can see that you really don't understand me at all.
Not everything is about you
why can't you see
others have feelings as well.

I wonder if I am first in somebodies eyes and not just a substitute.
Because thats clearly what I am to you.
Someone that you can use and abuse. When you have nobody left.
A second class person in your view.
#4
what do I think about it for a start? Well I think its a pretty standard "boo-hoo she doesn't love me" type of piece. Which makes me wonder why you're sitting here writing about it instead of going out and telling that b*tch to take a walk, because she sounds pretty worthless. Anyway, your piece is absolutely devoid of sensory detail. It flows kind of nice, but the content just isn't that interesting. I've never met someone who hasn't had this problem at least once in their lives. Anyway, sensory detail is the key, what are you phsysically experiencing. The way you experience things can give clues to how you feel emotionally, so you don't have to just come out and say those things. Its more interesting with details. So, think about it, perhaps think about more of a narrative piece, storytime, etc. Hope i helped

matt
what comes up comes out
#5
Quote by SeeEmilyPlay
This seems a little more like a journal entry than a poem. But I suppose they could be lyrics. Do you have music to it yet?


Nope. Not yet. These are thoughts I put down straight away hence the journal entry type thing. I haven't edited them at all to flow like lyrics yet.

@Matt thanks for the help