#1
Smiles wet and warm
like a submarine fire.
Lives begin to expire
as a white russian wave
washes over belugas
bellowing the blues.
someone cuts the telegraph wire,
I look down at my dripping shoes.
Quote by ottoavist

i suppose there's a chance
i'm just a litte too shallow to consider
that maybe i've been a little more eager
each day to wake up and take a shower
brush my teeth and smile for the mirror
Last edited by freshtunes at Nov 12, 2008,
#2
The first time i read this, it felt unfinished. THe second time i read this, i realised what you were doing and i smiled at your brilliance. The third time I read this, i decided that i loved it and would let someone else tear it apart. Short and snappy.
#3
I like how the two main ideas intertwined... the piece seems like a little enigma ready to be unfurled, but it's like one of those that isn't supposed to, like a hypothetical. It left me wondering what's on your mind.
The uneven rhymes disenchanted me a little though. I think that could have been used a little better to add structure to this, something to offset the depth of meaning.
#4
I totally didn't get it.

Something about drowing?

this being said.

I quite enjoyed it.

I wouldn't change a thing.

But I'm kind of a person who finds perfection in seemingly imperfect things.

not saying its imperfect in any way.
"Whats that noise??"

"... Jazz"
#6
^ Short, sweet and deep.
This isn't a crit, this is an arse kiss.

However, well... I read this including your signature in it the first few times, and my God it worked beautifully.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!