#1
Wow, havent posted in a while...
Also haven't been chewed out for my writing in a while. So go nuts!
Cheers

Hats off to all the jokers
Who took a stand instead
Of running staight for hell
In the court of their own heads.
Not guilty of treason.

This is for the jokers
Who stand against their queen
Instead of kneeling to the spirit
Who holds their souls in need
Of something more than reason.

Don't cry to me when they take it away
You knew you had the chance to bring them down
Don't tell me you're attracted to the fray
You know you can turn it all around.

Here's to the troubadours
Who keep singing their songs
Heads held high with all their pride
And no shame of being wrong
About the life they try to lead

Notice now the troubadours
Writing of their past
They don't hide behind their words
But try to make them last
Until there's nothing more they need

Don't scream at night when the come for you
You knew you had the chance to bring them down
Don't drop your hands and surrender too
You can stilll turn it all around

And here's to all the lords and ladies
Who never told their stories
But stood and watched without mercy
As they broke your strings of glory!

Don't turn around now and walk away
You can still bring them down
Without a fight you can't give up
You can turn it all around

Look at all these jokers
Take a stand instead
Of running staight for hell
In the court of your own head.
Not guilty of treason.

Edited second and last stanzas...
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Last edited by u.n.t.a.m.e.d. at Nov 15, 2008,
#3
grammar, final stanza, annoyed me.
the first line seemed like you were going to go on with what the jokers did ("who took a stand.."), but you led on with what i can only describe as instruction-like (take this, do that, etc).

so my advice is to change the first line of that stanza, to make the idea flow better (eg do these things for the jokers).

apart from that, great read, enjoyed it, i love how off the wall the subject is, and how the theme runs the entire way through (exceptions being hte stanzas beginning with "don't" these i found ot be slightly cliche, or filler, hiding behind the brilliance of the rest of the piece.

well done.
Last edited by ginjaninja at Nov 13, 2008,
#4
Good call on the last stanza - thanks
And You're right, The "don't" lines are cliche aren't they...Ill have to work on that. I just wanted some consistency in the choruses becasue the lyrics aren't identical you know?
Quote by thedefrockednun


DAMN YOU I SIGGED HER FIRST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


I demand, in the name of the rt, that you change your sig...


NOW!!!!!!!!!




Quote by rigiddigits
RT meet!! Of epic global proportions!!!*
*world may asplode due to unprecedented levels of awesome.
#5
sorry to bother,but could you have anther look at my piece? i rewrote the 3rd stanza, completely. im still not happy with it, but its new, different, and i want opinions on it.

thanks.
#6
The fact that in some of the stanzas only 2 out of 5 lines rhyme is a bit annoying, then again I haven't heard it performed, so it might juist work. I'm also a bit biased against that because I just had an arguement concerning how a lot of poetry doesnt rhyme.
All in all though, I'm reserving judgement and I see a lot of potential, not for improvement, but for my own liking of it once I can hear and understand it.
#7
I see your point...it sounds really choppy just reading it, but the verses flow way better once theyre put to music.
And with the rhyming Ive often been in the same argument. Normally it HAS to rhyme, but it just works with the rythm ive got.
Thanks though- Valid point!
I'm reworking some of it right now
Quote by thedefrockednun


DAMN YOU I SIGGED HER FIRST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


I demand, in the name of the rt, that you change your sig...


NOW!!!!!!!!!




Quote by rigiddigits
RT meet!! Of epic global proportions!!!*
*world may asplode due to unprecedented levels of awesome.
#8
i think this will become better when its put to music
just in reading it, it feels confined by the strict structure
i agree with the other poster who said that the 'dont' lines are a little cliche
as well, most of the stanzas start with 'here's to' or 'this is for' and it becomes a little redundant. IMHO you could keep that structure if it leads to some sort of turnaround at the end
~b
#9
thanks man.. your right about the Dont lines i totally agree... im just stuck for what else to put.
it does flow better with the music
Quote by thedefrockednun


DAMN YOU I SIGGED HER FIRST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


I demand, in the name of the rt, that you change your sig...


NOW!!!!!!!!!




Quote by rigiddigits
RT meet!! Of epic global proportions!!!*
*world may asplode due to unprecedented levels of awesome.
#10
Hats off to all the jokers
Who took a stand instead
Of running staight for hell
In the court of their own heads.
Not guilty of treason.

// interesting enough start. I'm interested, I'll keep reading. I like the first two lines, something just bothers me about breaking up L2 and L3 with the natural pause of the line break. i'm thinking it's to be clever, but it didn't work so great for me. //

This is for the jokers
Who stand against their queen
Instead of kneeling to the spirit
Who holds their souls in need
Of something more than reason.

// is this stanza supposed to be in a different tense? I do however like your structure at this point, but I have to admit, the topic is just boring to me. all things considering though, this is actually pretty well written. flows good too. //

Don't cry to me when they take it away
You knew you had the chance to bring them down
Don't tell me you're attracted to the fray
You know you can turn it all around.

// uh, pretty lame here. not a huge fan of the down/around rhyme. I liked the "story" of the first two stanzas and the rest of the non "chorus" stanzas, but this is just pretty cheesy to me. very plain, boring, that sort of thing //

Here's to the troubadours
Who keep singing their songs
Heads held high with all their pride
And no shame of being wrong
About the life they try to lead

// troubadours is such a great word, nice usage. I don't like the internal rhyme of L3, not that it doesn't fit, just doesn't go with the rest of the piece. I might save that for the chorus, might make it a bit more attractive. //

Notice now the troubadours
Writing of their past
They don't hide behind their words
But try to make them last
Until there's nothing more they need

// plugging right along. another decent stanza. nothing stands out, but it's not terrible either. for some reason, as much as I like the word, the repeating of troubadours is starting to annoy me. I like the idea, but just the repeating sort of lost steam for me. //

Don't scream at night when the come for you
You knew you had the chance to bring them down
Don't drop your hands and surrender too
You can stilll turn it all around

// still pretty bland, and I think there are too many "you" 's in the first two lines. maybe try and trim at least one, maybe two. for the recrod, down/around still sucks. lol //

And here's to all the lords and ladies
Who never told their stories
But stood and watched without mercy
As they broke your strings of glory!

// what happened to the structure? I liked the rhyme scheme, why change it now? this is a pretty good stanza though. //

Don't turn around now and walk away
You can still bring them down
Without a fight you can't give up
You can turn it all around

// ugg, more down/around ... //

Look at all these jokers
Take a stand instead
Of running staight for hell
In the court of your own head.
Not guilty of treason.

// good ending, really brings the piece full circle, pretty effective. nice work. //

Overall, it was decent. I wasn't blown away, and like I said, there were times were I got bored either through repetition or just the nature of the subject. But you got some talent, keep honing your craft.
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#11
Thanks man.. great crit. The chorus is pretty s****y isn't it..
I'll keep at itt
Quote by thedefrockednun


DAMN YOU I SIGGED HER FIRST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


I demand, in the name of the rt, that you change your sig...


NOW!!!!!!!!!




Quote by rigiddigits
RT meet!! Of epic global proportions!!!*
*world may asplode due to unprecedented levels of awesome.
#12
Hmm. Well, I think the words themselves are really nice. I'm kind of having trouble in hearing how they would flow in a song...maybe you have it flowing in your head, but I can't feel it...do you have any music written to go along with it?
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#13
very goo work.
personally, the 2nd and 4th verses are the best.
the rhyming in the 4th verse is really good, for some reason its catching my eye.
overall, an above par work. usually i have a hard time criting a song/poem without hearing it sung/read, and i prob like this a lot more if could hear it.

c4c, in sig...
Im sure a savior's born every day, they just learn to stop caring before anybody gets saved.

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