#1
crit for crit. not sure about the title.

winter clothes

it was cold.
not the kind of cold that gets inside you
but the kind that sits around,
waiting for an invitation,
making you wish you had worn a thicker jacket
so you could be sure it couldn't break in.
i rubbed my hands together
waiting for my ride, alone.

(i know i’m sick of waiting for rides.
i think i’m sick of being alone.)

i shivered,
worried about gas prices, AP classes, my health.
thought about the kids doing drugs behind target
under sheet-white skies, leaves brown and dying.
the leaves they played in a few autumns ago.
i thought about their parents.

i paced the sidewalk a hundred times.
i didn’t see any couples, really.
they were probably all steaming up car windows
or getting drunk
or sneaking into movies.
i thought about their future children.

sometimes i feel like a foreign exchange student,
sitting on a bench in a suburban parking lot
waiting for an invitation.
sometimes i feel like the whole country
dressed as warmly as they could.
Member of the We Have Better Taste Than You club
PM DorkusMalorkus with a list of your favorite bands to join

last.fm
#2
Just as a quick glance, this was enjoyable. I didn't like the lines in the parenthesis though. I'll come back alter this arvo and hit it up properly
#3
it felt like a straight narrative of what someone alone in the cold would think about. i don't think the lines in parenthesis really fit since the rest of the piece jumps from one point to another (which i liked) while those two lines are so blunt. not sure what else to say, but i related to it and enjoyed it.
#4
I liked most of it, however as the other two said I think it could of done better without the lines in the parenthesis. The line "sometimes i feel like a foreign exchange student" doesn't really fit well with me, I think it would be better if you used a different simile to show the feeling of loneliness conveyed throughout the rest of it.
New To Town With A Made Up Name

In The Angel's City

Chasing Fortune And Fame
09/03/2012
#5
As mentioned above I'd probably get rid of the two lines in the paranthesis. I don't feel like they're really fitting in, at least the way you wrote it.
The rest of it I liked, especially the last paragraph. This was the one I could best relate to.

please crit mine (sig)
Last edited by xghost88 at Nov 25, 2008,