#1
On the spot, kinda kicking around old cliches. all comments appreciated.
c4c


Your the burning sun rays
Raining down loves cliche.
True love at first sight with,
with a ten mile red kite.
Beautiful universe like eyes,
pictures the birth of every sky.
A soul so pure and free as
Timothy Learys' LSD.
The one and only angel
Never ever having sinned,
who even after losing
somehow pulls a win.
Nothing matters but our moments
as if our hearts blew open.
The dreamiest of girls
in the realest of worlds.
Rare as a thornless rose,
lucked, stuck and struck
with all of cupids arrows.
Last edited by mindtrek at Nov 14, 2008,
#2
Overall I truly enjoyed reading this. There are a few lines tha could use improvement though, in my opinion.

Your the burning sun rays
Raining down loves cliche. <- I really like the 1st two lines
True love at first sight with,
A thousand mile red kite. <- kind of confusing, i dont understand, what the kite stands for
Beautiful universe like eyes <- sounds good, but mysterious and a little confusing
pictures the birth of every sky.
A soul so pure and free as
Timothy Learys' LSD. <- good analogy
The one and only angel
Never ever having sinned,
who even after losing
somehow pulls a win. <-awesome three lines, I really like them!
Nothing matters but our moments
as if our hearts blew open.
The dreamiest of girls
in the realest of worlds.
Rare as a thornless rose <all of these lines are very good, but I think "fVcked"
stuck, struck and ****ed (im assuming thats was ****ed is), sounds forced
with all of cupids arrows. and doesnt fit w/ the beauty of the rest of the piece


All in all it is a great piece, just needs a few minor tweaks.

If you'd like to crit one of mine they are in my sig.