#1
ots. c4c. etc.

"satellites"
how many times can i
rewrite the same damn lines,
before it all just becomes
velvet smoke in the back of my throat,
or an empty home i ran from long ago?
i haven't seen anything but cold cars
driving away from this shit town.
i wish i was a satellite. i'd watch you
leave over and over again.
i'd study every crack and crevice
of the deepest oceans and darkest canyons
and know that each one is where you belong.
but you can't hide from the night.
it'll leave you feeling lonely every time.
"from up here, everything feels small."
Last edited by NGD1313 at Nov 13, 2008,
#2
i loved every line of this. this was brilliance. it read like a finely wound tapestry, flowing through the air. well done. nothing else needs to be said
#3
Interesting theme. I'd suggest tying this theme in more directly at the beginning and end, it seems to float a little if you know what I mean.
The flow comes up to me as something that might pose a problem if you're trying to translate this into a song and sing it to accompaniment, for example how your first 'idea' is five lines long, then two lines, then the rest. It seems divided in that way.
I really like your use of imagery in 'velvet smoke' and 'empty home' it really emphasises the idea you're trying to convey.
One other thing, 'shit town' could possibly be phrased a little more poetically :P:

"But you can't hide from the night/ it'll leave you feeling lonely every time" I really like this line. Deep and poetic. I like the first two lines especially as well; I can relate.

GJ
#4
The deepest oceans and darkest canyons are a little cliche, but it doesn't matter much because the rest of this is brilliance. It's the only line that dragged this down at all, though, I think there could be something more magical there. This is magical, well done.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#5
Quote by NGD1313
ots. c4c. etc.

"satellites"
how many times can i
rewrite the same damn lines, "damn lines" are very clunky flow-wise. Possibly replace "damn" with something weaker to make "lines seem stronger - as is, it's a letdown after "damn"
before it all just becomes
velvet smoke in the back of my throat, I love the internal assonance in smoke/throat
or an empty home i ran from long ago?
i haven't seen anything but cold cars depending on the flow, I'd go with "nothing" over "anything" - it's stronger at a spot in the line where I think you'd like a strong word
driving away from this shit town. same as with "damn lines" but to a lesser degree. I do agree with the above poster that "shit" isn't very poetical.
i wish i was a satellite. i'd watch you
leave over and over again.
i'd study every crack and crevice
of the deepest oceans and darkest canyons Cliché. Sorry. The oher posters said so too, and they're right - to me this is a big, big letdown. It built up so nicely and this just tears all of it down, at least to me.
and know that each one is where you belong.
but you can't hide from the night.
it'll leave you feeling lonely every time.
"from up here, everything feels small." I love this line. It wouldn't surprise me the least if this was the line you built the rest of the song on. Regardless f that's the case, very nice work
Generally, these lyrics have some minor flaws (as well as that one single devastating cliché, but all in all, nice imagery and cool base idea to put them on. These have the makings of really great lyrics - great as in amazing, jawdropping lyrics - but they still have a bit of way to go.

I've done my best to point out every single flaw I could find, however minor, because that's how I'd want my own lyrics to be treated. I'd love nothing more than for you (or anybody at all) to rip my (so far) only contribution to shreds - the link is in my sig. Thanks in advance.
#7
A great piece of work! But I agree with "Alienfinger" Maybe you could look at changing "Damn Line" For just "Line" and putting the "Damn" instead of "Shit town" maybe "Damn town", and try to change the cliché line, and you would have a really brilliant piece, just my opinion though. But good work.