#1
Ok first post in the song writing thread. not sure if this is chill

If it isn't I'll get rid of it and apologies in advance

but heres one my latest songs, and I was wondering what some people who actually knows a thing or two about lyric writing thinks.

Of all the things I want to say
Nothings the worst way
I’ve learnt through, experience

Its on the tip of my tongue
I just have to squeeze my lungs
But you wont listen, anyway

Of all the ones I find
They leave me behind
When I’m in need of them the most

And so they’ve left me here
Broken down with a tear
Running down my face

(chorus)
And if you look behind
What do you think you’ll find
You won’t be in my line of sight
I’m wandering the streets
With the people I won’t meet
Drifting in a sleepless dream again

In my reality
There’s a life I can see
Nobody repressed by anything

Everybody living free
Can’t be reality
Somebody open my eyes if I’m sleeping

No rule up on the wall
And people loving all
Is the right place for anything

This cant be right
I watch the people fight
Somebody please slap me if I’m dreaming.

(Bridge?)
I want to make a return
This dream is not what I earned
But dreams are non-refundable


Oh, and I just realised the form is a little wierd. The melody kind of drops off over the last two bars of each grouping.
"Whats that noise??"

"... Jazz"
#2
nothing really wrong with it, but nothing special.

id suggest putting the 4 groups of 3 lines into 2 groups of 6.

then you have two set verses instead of what looks like four, and itll be a much more standard structure, which i assume will work.

i dont know though.


also, the structure kinda stopped at the end, you have verses, chorus, verses, then "bridge?".

whats that meant to be?

is that how it ends? bridges dont end songs.