#1
C4C (leave link)


I wish I could climb to the sky on a rope,
if I was strong enough to hold on to it.

I wish I could cry in the sky
tears that would only rain in your heart.

I wish I could tie that rope to your heart
and strangle it onto me,
if only you were strong enough to survive;
and only if you were strong enough to survive,
I wish you could fly into the sky
with the wings I ripped from you;
scarring you for the lives we’ll never have.

I wish I would ride inside your head
in a mystical creature you created
in the beauty of your conscience.

I dreamt that in the sky
there was nothing but gas and gravity,
and we would have a place for ourselves
with lower standards than infinity.

I wish it would be possible
to stop fantasising love
as an utopian state of mind.

But my mind says:

"I wish you would stop saying all these things,
thinking before saying and saying correctly"

I say my mind’s not complex enough
to know the emotions of a soul
that I don’t even have a hint
if it exists or not.

I wish I could be a clairvoyant
so I could see the future
and my spirit tore apart;
then I would stop wishing for things
as impossible as you and me.

This is probably my favourite piece now; prove me wrong and tear it apart (or prove it right and feed my ego )
Last edited by seventh_angel at Nov 13, 2008,
#2
Quote by seventh_angel
C4C (leave link)


I wish I could climb to the sky through a rope, I think you mean "on a rope"
if I was strong enough to hold on to it.

I wish I could cry in the sky I don't like this as much. Maybe "And when I get there I would cry". Flows better, and sounds less weaker
tears that would only rain in your heart.

I wish I could tie that rope to your heart
and strangle it onto me, try "to" instead of "onto"
if only you were strong enough to survive;
and only if you were strong enough to survive,
I wish you could fly into the sky
with the wings I ripped from you;
scarring you for the lives we’ll never have. I liked this ending, reminded me of your last piece with the refence to her wings

I wish I would ride inside your head
in a mystical creature you created
in the beauty of your conscience. NOthing wrong with this, it just doesn't feel powerful enough

I dreamt that in the sky
there was nothing but gas and gravity,
and we would have a place for ourselves
with lower standards than infinity.
Try this as:
"I dreamt there was nothing
but gas and gravity,
and we had a place for ourselves
with lower standards than infinity"


I wish it would be possible
to stop fantasising love
as an utopian state of mind.This offside is better than the previous one. Maybe put it in italics or parenthesis

But my mind says:

"I wish you would stop saying all these things,
thinking before saying and saying correctively" correctly? I think that's what you mean

I say my mind’s not complex enough
to know the emotions of a soul
that I don’t even have a hint
if it exists or not. This was powerful

I wish I could be a clairvoyant
so I could see the future
and my spirit tore apart;
then I would stop wishing for things
as impossible as you and me.


The ending packed just the right amount of punch for this piece. Apart from some little stuff, I would agree with your statement. This is a very good piece, it just needs some work and some window dressing. Of course, you can ignore everything I said, it's your choice. Well done, keep writing
#3
You have every reason to like this. By far the most poetic and delicate piece you have ever written, to my memory anyway.
I feel like you have improved a huge amount over the last few weeks; taking on new challenges and illusions - you have clear creativity and can manipulate words better than most people on this website.
It's not quite as complete maybe as your other efforts; the flow is sometimes broken, but I really don't mind at all because flow is not the only thing that poetry and lyrics require. In fact, I don't really care for flow that much as long as it has energy and emotion: This clearly contains both.
Excellent work, mate. Do really keep 'em coming.

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