#1
The 20 to East Kilbride, it's dark and wet.

Sitting on the city bus is such a riot,
not like home where chat tickles our ears.
'There’s no one on the bus but me'? Well I just don’t buy it!

70, 80 people all crammed in and quiet,
fixing to stare daggers at anyone who dares
break the cleverly constructed silence:
'There are TVs on buses now?' Keep that chatter down!

70, 80 people crammed in everywhere.
We wipe misty reflections but they barely squeak.
Studiously we make believe like no one else is there.

__________________________________________-

All crits will be retuuuuuuuuuuurned.
On vacation from modding = don't pm me with your pish
#2
a interesting look at population density. I like the title, because up front you give us a sensory detail that is not in the poem at all: Dark and wet. Dark and Wet also implies cold, so you've given us more than you've actually said so I guess its pretty clever in that way. The first stanza isn't very strong, it has a light tone that is inconsistent with the rest of the poem. I think you can take out the 'just' in the dialogue. That's an opinion. I love the second stanza. Fixing to stare DAGGERS. that's a great detail, cleverly constructed silence. That's gorgeous. I like the use of the word studious in the last line. Very strong. This is a pretty well polished piece, except for the beginning. Everything else is good, from title to ending. If this were my piece, then I thing i might give more specific details, although that might compromise the feeling of anonymity of everyone and everything. Or maybe you like it how it is. I don't know. Overall though, a good piece.

hope i helped a little.
matt.

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what comes up comes out
#3
I loved the blantant cynicism of this piece, it was short and straight to the point. no cushy metaphors, no pleasant imagery, just down and dirty - this is what it is. I enjoyed it very much
#4
The 20 to East Kilbride, it's dark and wet.

Sitting on the city bus is such a riot,
not like home where boring chat’s the game.
'There’s no one on the bus but me'? Well I just don’t buy it!

70, 80 people all crammed in and quiet,
fixing to stare daggers at anyone who dares
i like the way stare and daggers morphed to dares at the end of the line.
dunno if that was intentional, or just played out that way.

break the cleverly constructed silence.
'There are TVs on buses now?' Keep that chatter down!

70, 80 people crammed in everywhere.
reflections so meek they barely squeak.
i liked the internal rhyme, but felt you could have used more of it throughout the piece.
Studiously we make believe like no one else is there.
the ending just kinda lays there.
it felt like you were on the road to saying something more.
Meadows
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#5
"meek" and "squeak" was awful. It was more forced than... spending 25 minutes on a toilet seat, if you know what I mean.

The rest was as fresh as I always tell you your writing is. Just something that doesn't drag you down and yet leaves its mark after you've finished reading.

I liked the line breaks and structure and the content matched perfectly.

On a side note, I can relate very much.

Always a pleasure, Stu.
This is not a pipe
#6
I only put in a squeak to try and say that they were wiping the windows.. in as few words as possible. Before there was a big ol' line there before whinging on about reflections.

Question: would the internal rhyme seem less forced if there more internal rhymes? Or would there just be more forced internal rhymes? lol. might try that...

Thanks everyone i'll look at it again and get back to your pieces
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#7
Yeah, the window wiping line didn't quite get its point across. I understand trying it in as little space as possible but the words weren't right. Some more internal rhymes would work wonderfully, but you've got the perfect word choices here otherwise as you'll know.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#8
- "We wipe misty reflections but they barely squeak.
Studiously we make believe like no one else is there." - I really enjoyed these two lines.
In general though, I couldn't really get into it because of how short, uncomfortable and discordent it was.
Katherine says it right, that this needed more internal rhymes, something for the reader to grasp onto and read with a little more glee. This just comes off like a random bunch of snipetts from conversations you have had with strangers about using public transport.
The ending felt very sudden - even though it was a really good line - it was a little waisted to be honest because you have a relatable topic in discussion. I find writting about something like what you have choosen as a theme to be very difficult, so you have certainly done well under the circumstances, but it just felt totally and utterly random when it was based around something totally and utterly common.
The first verse was kinda poor to be honest. I've read it a few times and nothing is jumping off the page, at all.
The second verse is OK, but doesn't improve on the other sections, and the finally verse is better but once again, doesn't allow you to coincide the three sections into one and merge all your thoughts into something more indestructable and enjoyable.

Digitally Clean
#9
The 20 to East Kilbride, it's dark and wet.

Sitting on the city bus is such a riot,
not like home where chat tickles our ears.
'There’s no one on the bus but me'? Well I just don’t buy it!

"Well I just don't buy it" felt somewhat forced. I think there are much better ways to convey that line. It seems juvenile, I suppose. I'm not sure I really enjoyed the quote/exclamation at the end of the following stanza either now that I think about it.

I think the word "riot" conveys a sort of noisy, rowdy image, and later in this poem you talk about how everyone is quiet. I suppose you meant it as a synonym of "funny" but I don't think it works because of the connotation.

"Chat tickling our ears" is an interesting idea, but I thought the contrast wasn't done all too effectively, possibly due to the connotative contradictions I perceived above.


70, 80 people all crammed in and quiet,
fixing to stare daggers at anyone who dares
break the cleverly constructed silence:
'There are TVs on buses now?' Keep that chatter down!

This stanza was pretty redundant. "cleverly constructed silence" (which is a pretty adept thought, probably the best you present in the poem), "crammed in and quiet" (not nearly as interesting), "keep that chatter down".

I enjoyed the "70, 80".

I mentioned it earlier, I believe, but I'd probably remove the ending line of both of these introductory stanzas, because I don't think they add anything particularly special to the poem. Reading it again ignoring the lines I can derive the exact same meaning and effect, but it seems not-as-juvenile.


70, 80 people crammed in everywhere.
We wipe misty reflections but they barely squeak.
Studiously we make believe like no one else is there.

"Studiously we make believe like no one else is there" wasn't stated well at all. Too many syllables, and "make believe like" probably isn't proper English but it's been a while. "Studiously we pretend no one..." or even "Studiously we make believe no one..." would be a huge improvement I think. Again, though, this idea was conveyed at the end of the first stanza with "There's no one on the bus but me?". I think it works better at the end, but I don't like the redundancy of mentioning it twice.

If this were mine, I'd probably condense this all a bit by removing the final two lines of the first two stanzas.

All in all, I thought the idea here was very nice, but it was just poorly executed. With some work you could have an awesome poem on your hands though.