#1
um hi. this is'nt the first song i've ever written but it seems like a good one to start posting on this site. Please read and remark. grassy-ass!(gracias)xoxocg.p.s. since this site is a prude, should i bleep out all the swearing myself?-cg



Some little bitch came and stole my lover
Muddied his mind and bewitched his heart
Then she just left him out of nowhere
left him for Fernie, the little *****

She has some nerve
to waltz right back as if staking a claim
She must be so selfish
to stab her own friend in the back
and kiss her old flame
My old flame,
mine...

Somehow that little bitch went
and got him back now
and left her friend bloodied along the way
Only spent weekend at most together
then he left her for reasons unnamed

But it enrages me
that if she can still be his friend then why not me?
It leaves me puzzled
that she, so unattractive
and undesireable,
got back her old flame
My old flame,
mine...

Now nobody likes her
keep telling yourself this
you are much prettier and smarter too
keep reminding yourself
it would've been much harder
if she were prettier and smarter than you

Despite that little fun fact
She invaded my habitat and replaced me for good
It leaves me so troubled
that along with Steve-o being stubborn
she's taken captive the heart of her old flame
My old flame,
mine...
Why that stupid little b****


written by Claryssa Gonzalez
#2
...there's a few songs without rhymes, but this sounds more like a kind of "speech" than a song.

but keep trying, practice makes perfect.
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#3
there are many songs without rhyme. Rhyme isn't a big deal. However, structure and flow are important and, there are some places where those break down in this piece. Your first two lines, for example, are fine, but the next too, the flow just is gone. Its all in the syntax, the wording. There's a lot of places where there are inversions, and wow. This is kind of a mess. I'm sorry. If you're angry, get angry. You can really get mean in this kind of a piece, but you choose to stay on the surface, calling her unattractive and such. She probably is unattractive, tell me why. Give me some details. Is her hair geasy? Are her tits asymmetrical? Does her undercarraige smell like sushi? Its up to you, but sensory details are really what's going to make your work strong. I think your work could also benefit from stronger nouns, William Carlos Williams said "there is no poetry but in things." I think there's something to that.

Think about it,
Matt.
what comes up comes out
#4
matt,
well if you hear the ****ing song it won't sound so messy. the way i write is different.
i need music first, then words. but thanx!

love and laughter,
claryssa
#5
i officially give up on all lyracist on ug
fight the power... with peace

Originally Posted by Cockpuncher 2.0
Fail town, population you


When God said "Let there be light", Joey Jordison said "Say please".

Man is a universe within himself
Bob Marley
Pox!
#6
okay ifyou fags are just going to be little bitches, then don't read my threads, don't leave replies on my threads, or i'll come for you and just piss you off because it'll help me sleep at night knowing that i am pissing you off so kiss my mexican ass.

xoxo, cg