#1
hey lads
new piece
more in a poetic vein than a lyrical one
kind of stream of conscious
it started off as two pieces, but i feel like they flow together
i put a line break between the two, so if you feel like they shouldn't be together and have a preference of one over the other, etc
let me know what you think, and C4C as always

were feeling, hand in hand
every facet of these curves
let my fingerprints mark you like evidence
bag, label, file, appropriate
ive left my scent on you and made you a part of me
and your gilded tongue has pierced between my ribs
i cant pull out the barb without bloodshed
and i just dont have the heart for that right now
i cant sleep beside you
and i wont let you decide who i am
but like the emperor ill bow out the only way i know how
the wheels are turning, and the gears are tearing away
at the machinists hands
but ill drink, drink, drink
and dive from the top of the castle ive built
because what can sanctify the soil like fresh blood?
and what is every new trail pleated over
but six feet of the dog that bit it?
believe me, we're all dogs
always faithful
always selfish
unkempt and destined to die alone
so crawl up beside me, and paw my back with scars
our loathing matches when you bite my lip
and i can only feel you when theres emptiness to fill

its the cold where i will sleep tonight
filling my eyes with stars, but only seeing dirt
human deluge can wash down with runoff
trickling off the tires of broken-down coupes
with scabs across the paint, and dim headlights
like a bored adventurer who knows its too late to turn back
and the hope of fame along the road will make the tiring journey worthy
cause when the streetlights cast their shame on me
the rays of warm and wonderful electricity
will run through me like clicking castanets
speaking like a friend. long time no see.
when i was a child, all those wide-eyed news
the smell of thunder calling to the grass
like pheromones. the rope around my neck
drawn and quartered towards the abolition between your legs
the only way i still know how to make you smile
everyone is just a splinter of the first obsession
dug in so deep i would have to pull out every strand
every sinew and marrow to get you loose
god, its been so long
lord, youre a fleeting face
Last edited by ChordMonger at Nov 17, 2008,
#2
this poem is great, i dont know how well it would work in a song though. You have great use of metaphor and imagery in here and i dont see anything specific i would change.

your the man haha
9.5/10
#3
i really enjoy this peice, especially the 2nd part. very good imagery throughout the whole thing though, as i was getting a little uncomfortable witht he first part, but sometimes that a good thing. the 2nd part is really the shining point in this though, great work.
#7
I really like it, but I'm not going to lie, the first part sounds like rape... just my opinion, though.
Fact: Bears eat beats. Bears beats Battlestar Galactica.
#9
Your first verse is far superior to your second. In fact, I would go as far as to say that the second totally dragged this down, and could be removed. And, the fact you mentioned how they were actually seperated, places the reader into a certain frame of mind - ie, he is expecting to find something that is alternate from each other - and you find yourself thinking negatively; pouring over the first one with glee, and then kinda mussing slightly over the second one - which has no real content other than a few repetitions and meandering thoughts.

Your line breaks and flow are quite well done and clearly show your expertise and experience. But it's not stale or overly clever; just vivid emotion that has enough of most things for someone to latch onto it, even on their first viewing.
I'm not going to say anything on the second verse because I don't want to, I just feel that the first piece deserves a reserved space on this thread; it's not nice to clutter unnecessarily.

Your lack of punctuation - particularly noticeable in the opening line (not a good sign) - is quite distracting and furthers the reader away the poem, instead of reeling them into a certain zone or pattern (method to the madness)

- "let my fingerprints mark you like evidence
bag, label, file, appropriate" - A lot of psychotic imagery in this. Best line in the piece.

- "and your gilded tongue has pierced between my ribs" - This is quite meh (An actual word now, according to the news)

- "but like the emperor ill bow out the only way i know how
the wheels are turning, and the gears are tearing away
at the machinists hands" - This is poor; for two reasons: Who is this emperor? If I'm missing something quite obvious (or even dubious) I apologize, but the way you just slap it in there and move on to something else totally irritates the poem; then the line break is uncomfortable - even though it does fit the symbolism - In itself, it's a little clichéd as well.
Overall, didn't like that segment very much.

The rest was stellar writing.

EDIT: Sorry I have taken to long to criticize this piece; I've been very busy. Thank you for getting to mine,
Danny.

Digitally Clean
#10
thank you very much danny, im glad to have finally gotten a thorough critique on it. given that i known the things youve posted and enjoyed them, ill be taking this to heart and probably doing a revision on it soon. for pieces like this (as opposed to some of the more lyric-intended ones) that i write, i tend to be feeling a great deal of whatever the subject is, and just write to get it all out, so the lack of punctuation and the shabby lines just happen. As far as the 'emperor' thing, i think (i cant say for sure, like i said, none of it is ever really premeditated) went along with 'the machinist'. the machinist is entirely culpable for the machine, and the awfulness of his creation, hence why it's destroying him. the emperor is entirely powerful, but also completely responsible, hence why he jumps from the peak of the castle. i think it made more sense to me when i thought it up. ill either try to think of a better way to incorporate the idea, or scrap it
thanks again
~b
Last edited by ChordMonger at Nov 21, 2008,
#11
i loved it. I really got lost in the first part, but I'd have to say I like the second part better. They fit together well but I'm so in love with this ending

everyone is just a splinter of the first obsession This line and the next = my fav
dug in so deep i would have to pull out every strand
every sinew and marrow to get you loose
god, its been so long
lord, youre a fleeting face


Overall it was a great read.....really enjoyed it.

Listen to my covers here.


"Some even claim that I'm a terror, a dictator and they're right." - Lou Reed


AK-ROWDY
#12
Wow, very well written I must say. For some reason I picky about people who take up the sexual theme for their writing but you pulled it off extremely well, I'm sure many people could relate to it. Terrific job!
#13
Thanks for the crit. I find this rather complex in the sense that I don't really know what you are talking about [maybe just a little over my head]. But as a poem it has great imagery and a unique style. The comparison to dogs was my favourite bit. Sorry I can’t be more helpful.
"Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life.Get wasted all the time, and you'll have the time of your life!" ~ Billy Connolly
#14
Quote by ChordMonger

were feeling, hand in hand
every facet of these curves
let my fingerprints mark you like evidence
bag, label, file, appropriate
ive left my scent on you and made you a part of me
and your gilded tongue has pierced between my ribs
i cant pull out the barb without bloodshed Don't quite understand this
and i just dont have the heart for that right now
i cant sleep beside you
and i wont let you decide who i am
but like the emperor ill bow out the only way i know how
the wheels are turning, and the gears are tearing away
at the machinists hands
but ill drink, drink, drink
and dive from the top of the castle ive built
because what can sanctify the soil like fresh blood?
and what is every new trail pleated over
but six feet of the dog that bit it?
believe me, we're all dogsGreat metapor with the dogs here
always faithful
always selfish
unkempt and destined to die alone
so crawl up beside me, and paw my back with scars
our loathing matches when you bite my lip
and i can only feel you when theres emptiness to fill

its the cold where i will sleep tonight
filling my eyes with stars, but only seeing dirt
human deluge can wash down with runoff
trickling off the tires of broken-down coupes
with scabs across the paint, and dim headlights
like a bored adventurer who knows its too late to turn back
and the hope of fame along the road will make the tiring journey worthy
cause when the streetlights cast their shame on me
the rays of warm and wonderful electricity
will run through me like clicking castanets
speaking like a friend. long time no see.
when i was a child, all those wide-eyed news
the smell of thunder calling to the grassHere till the end is very descriptive and an unsaid truth
like pheromones. the rope around my neck
drawn and quartered towards the abolition between your legs
the only way i still know how to make you smile
everyone is just a splinter of the first obsession
dug in so deep i would have to pull out every strand
every sinew and marrow to get you loose
god, its been so long
lord, youre a fleeting face


The whole piece sounds like a bad relationship ending and a depression period then lack of intellect emerging (IE acting like animals instead of humans). I am not going to say its' a bad thing but if you couple it with another piece with a focus on finding yourself again OR continuing on a savage journey after this it might come off as more of a full story, however if that isn't your aim then don't do it.

The whole piece is very good, check back to my thread so we can continue criting.
#15
I think AngryGoldfish gave you a very good crit. I liked the following about both the pieces and found the other stuff kind of got in the way. Maybe these lines just seemed like they were important to me in the way we all interpret a piece of work. So, where else is your mind going to take us? Sorry it took so long to get back but I am at sea and I do not always have internet.

were feeling, hand in hand
every facet of these curves
let my fingerprints mark you like evidence
bag, label, file, appropriate

ive left my scent on you and made you a part of me
i cant sleep beside you
and i wont let you decide who i am

but ill drink, drink, drink
and dive from the top of the castle ive built
because what can sanctify the soil like fresh blood?

and i can only feel you when theres emptiness to fill


like a bored adventurer who knows its too late to turn back
and the hope of fame along the road will make the tiring journey worthy


drawn and quartered towards the abolition between your legs
the only way i still know how to make you smile
everyone is just a splinter of the first obsession
dug in so deep i would have to pull out every strand
every sinew and marrow to get you loose


Hope to read more of your work soon.
IamOmega
#16
Danny really got to the meat of this piece, and I very much agree with many of the things he said.

However, I don't feel the second half necessarily should be done away with completely. I feel that it simply happens to stray from the original poignancy of the first half. I particularly enjoyed the use of the idiom of the dog that you turned into a very powerful metaphor. Honestly, as a whole, the use of your metaphors are quite possibly the strongest suit. Too often I find them trite and stale, but you do it very well. I also really liked the sense of seduction through the piece, though it does take a different turn at the end (though perhaps intentionally).

All in all, if you can refocus the second half, and clean up the little errors I'm sure you're already aware of, it'll be very strong. It's always interesting to look at more poetic pieces than lyrical. Because there's no musical melody inherent (which is always missing when lyrics are posted) you get to see much more of the spirit put into it.
Last edited by Delanoir at Nov 30, 2008,
#17
Thank you for giving me a crit, i've read your poem.

my general feeling is like it's cool. this especially goes for the first verse and the "ending" part of the second starting with the line: "the smell of thunder calling to the grass".

the first part of the second verse just given me a bit of dull feeling to read towards.

in the first verse the machinist took me pretty much away from the emperor and i wasn't able to get back to it, later reading your post i've realized it's connection to the castle.

in the second verse the
"filling my eyes with stars, but only seeing dirt"
line is something that is just hanging in the air for me... but i guess that's just me.