#1
C4C.

Perdition and Lament.

All these normal people.
Will I ever find another one?
Another day in this place.
All these faces leave a bitter taste.

Fear and fragility painted on the ceiling
Vehemence scrawled in subtle tones across the wailing wall
Dusty curtains speak of days untold
Pillows hold sorrows to unfold
Light creates silhouettes of entombment and regret
Bed for two filled by one, folds and creases that cannot be undone.

I wish you were queen
Just for today
But why bother why say?
You’re not in my life anymore anyway
I’d love to say I don’t care, but come on lets be fair.
While you’re not there, you showed me the way, now without your hand I collapse, despair.

Now that you’re empty of me,
I can see we would never have been
Like a breeze you blew in, like a gust you left
And such honesty leaves a burn that can’t be wept.

Another night spent sleeplessly
Peering through a cracked window, staring at the streetlight
Afraid to sleep, scaring myself with the thought of dreaming you
So sitting here, writing this, contemplating could have been’s and what to do
I can only feel as hollow and insincere as the “o”’s in “I Love You”

Any criticisms welcome, by all means tear it apart if you want.

EDIT:
change "blue lights give a new" meaning to
"Vehemence scrawled in subtle tones across the wailing wall"
because i feel it attributes more to what im describing.
Last edited by Blue? at Nov 15, 2008,
#2
Can you give a chord progression? Its hard to quite get how its supposed to sound...
While I dislike these platitudical breakup-type songs, this is a lot better than most popular ones. One thing though: Blatant use of a Marilyn Manson lyric in "I wish you were clean, just for today." Make sure it sounds slightly different when played so its not as obvious. Just be careful with intellectual property rights.
#3
Quote by Prisoner5
Can you give a chord progression? Its hard to quite get how its supposed to sound...
While I dislike these platitudical breakup-type songs, this is a lot better than most popular ones. One thing though: Blatant use of a Marilyn Manson lyric in "I wish you were clean, just for today." Make sure it sounds slightly different when played so its not as obvious. Just be careful with intellectual property rights.

Unfortunately I cant really give a chord progression,
Yeah I realized that it's an unintentional exact copy of a manson lyric after I wrote it, I'll try and change it soon.
Unfortunately I seem to be confined to personifying a lot of what I write through relationships it's something I've been trying to change.
I guess I'll try to write something utterly different next time.
Thank you for the comment it's appreciated.
#5
Oh, I'm not necesarioly saying write other stuff. If this is what comes to you and what you can write from experience, then that simply is who/what you are. I've tried writing all kinds of songs, and some click and some dont, so I stick to what clicks, else it just seems forced.
#6
I like it
'Bed for two filled by one, folds and creases that cannot be undone.' I really like that line.
Not much else to say except I would like to hear it
My current acoustic group:

Fiftieth Parallel

Martin Guitars
Elixer Strings
Acoustic amplification
BOSS pedals