Having been inspired by many of you in this forum, I wanted to try my hand at something a little more free form and using varied rhyme techniques. So, here is my attempt to broaden my horizons. It follows the storyline of my poetic fiction piece. I'm unhappy with the end and will likely make it longer, but I'm impatient and wanted to get some feedback.

- Rid Myself The Past -

I’ve lived this life so guarded.
It’s how this started and how it ends.
My friend, how did you expect this to conclude?
Didn’t I leave one love to live this lie with you?
And now you seem surprised that this one too, is through.
I guess history repeats itself again.
This millstone of loving and losing, leaving and boozing,
then finding something new is getting old.
But the past that I’ve played near my chest is laid to rest.
I’m strong enough to finally best my family crest.
this is cool.

after reading your poetic fiction (pofo, mo'fo...) this seems like the protagonist has unravelled into this kinda manic epilogue which is very cool.

i much prefer this style to the stricter rhyme schemes. this bounces along nicely, and is interesting to read, although i thought the last two lines were a clunky. it was mainly the "best". something about it. internal rhymes are allowed to be a lot more subtle than the ones you obviously set yourself up for.

other than that,

nice one.
--------------------i'm definitely the alphaest male here--------------------
The full, end of line rhymes that are still here don't feel right with the rest of it. Because it's not in a strict rhyme scheme, when rhymes are forced, they're much more obviously so. Then mixing word orders feels weird; you have the kind where in a metered piece it's fine because that's how it flows (being in a slightly odd order) but mixed with free flow it feels like it's trying to confine itself, which yeah, it is.

Also, only one line in this whole thing doesn't have a full stop or question mark at the end of it. This means that the flow that would have carried this along is so constricted. Jerky. It makes it feel dryer than it is. I think that something that starts in this way needs a build up of more than two lines somewhere in it, here I think that should come after 'history repeats itself again'. There doesn't need to be more than a comma there and although the effect of the pauses in itself isn't bad, I think it relapses on the rest. I think your word choice isn't always entirely spot on here, it makes it feel bitter, even angry. But it's angsty, not angry because there's no prettiness behind it. Just the plain, harsh, words. Other, of course than 'loving and losing, leaving and boozing', which I think is a great phrase. Same with the 'leave one love to live...' bit because the technique holds up the meaning. The repeated 'l' sound in both causes makes it feel passionate, but the structure with, as I see it, only these few points holding it up, feels dry rather than profound. I'd personally work on the language part and keep in mind the structure part while doing it.

That sounds harsher than I meant, though. It's a good start for writing non-meter-non-etc. poetry and there are some things in the tone that comes from that that would sound brilliant to read with prettier, **** it, flouncier but deeper parts backing them up.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
Thanks for the comments. I do appreciate any and all criticism.

I guess I did fall back into a more strict set of rhymes than I had set out too. As I said, I'll be expending on this so I'll likely do away with the last lines in order to build up a bit more character development.


I think angsty/angry is what I was going for. The character is generally upset with what life has given him, and at himself for resigning to the limits of his upbringing. Do you have any suggestions for flouncier language and better word selection? Even if I don't incorporate your ideas, I feel it will give me a clearer understanding of how to successfully write in this type of form.

Thanks again! I look forward to reading more of both of your works in the future.
I didn't mean flouncy. I just meant some break from the tone made by using words like guarded and conclude. A little bit of lightness to contrast the angst and make it feel fuller.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!