#1
The Etymologies (Parts 1 - zero) - Dedicated to WoTM


Parchment peril with
second time reading,
a paragraph sitting
not so neatly
inside a not so neat
tongue tied
guttiwut;
slightly empty, but
somehow equivalent
to a quaint curiosity of
wet tongues,
where the
mouths are not just
quelled quills that
quail in the pain of
not knowing
what to say;
tarred silent...
(I would too if I didn't have a point)

...but are actually
divine entries
into an imaginary
blog of poetry,
defining
me,
designing the creatures
that dwell deep
in my synapses;
clothed and clotted
with their own
lack of appreciation.

I wish I could talk to them,
write them a sonnet,
talk some sense into them.

Maybe then, just maybe,
I will know what to say.


Digitally Clean
#2
hunh? Ok man no joke it really doesnt make all that much scince to me. Who ever said criticism was always a good thing?
#4
Quote by AngryGoldfish
The Etymologies (Parts 1 - zero) - Dedicated to WoTM


Parchment peril with
second time reading,
Meh. Boring. Not direct enough. The word "peril" threw me off. I'd personally just cut this out and go directly into the next set.
a paragraph sitting
not so neatly
inside a not so neat
tongue tied
guttiwut;
Liked the first two lines. Get rid of the third, as "neat" shouldn't pop up again. That should streamline it more.
slightly empty, but
somehow equivalent
to a quaint curiosity of
wet tongues,
where the
mouths are not just
quelled quills that
quail in the pain of
not knowing
what to say;
tarred silent...
(I would too if I didn't have a point)

You lost me here. Lose the damn semicolons, first of all. This spirals way out of control as far as a cohesive statement, to the point where I lose track of what "it" is. "Quelled quills that quail" was bad. It added to the muddiness and lack of cohesion. Same for the parentheses. "Tarred silent" would be more connected to the next line if the semicolon before it was replaced with a period.

All these suggestions are referring to the murkiness of the paragraph. Short lines, lack of hard punctuation, and venturing out of home base for too long, it all makes it an unenjoyable read here.


...but are actually
divine entries
into an imaginary
blog of poetry,
HATE these two lines. The thought is good, but "imaginary" was inappropriate for the situation, as its not simple enough and doesn't seem to be important. "Blog" was bad as well.
defining
me,
The line breaks make this feel very cliche.
designing the creatures
that dwell deep
in my synapses;
Decent.
clothed and clotted
with their own
lack of appreciation.
Feels superfluous. The set before this could have alot more zip if you tighten this set up.

I wish I could talk to them,
write them a sonnet,
talk some sense into them.

Maybe then, just maybe,
I will know what to say.
Best part of the piece, in my opinion.


Digitally Clean



The piece went on for too long without stopping to take a breather. The more you went on about a certain thing, the moreso I lost interest in the original statement, to the point where I just became lost in a sea of words. I don't know if I'm explaining this correctly, but I just think the piece could have been tightened, while still keeping an airy feeling.
#5
You didn't get the whole point of this.
I don't want to say what this is about, though. Not yet.
Let me put this way: you have it all wrong. You don't need to look at this like a specific jaunt full of angst towards some sought of topic of discussion or love story. It's the feel of the poem that counts in this case. The overall vibe.
#8
I just wrote a rant that I believe was my equivalent of this.
The first time I read this, just when you posted it, I hated the line breaks and thought they didn't quite work (I've tried this before. Something about children and sun and lakes and that). Now I'm in the right mood for it exactly and I know exactly how you feel (how it came across to me as you feeling) and I hate that and I love this piece.

Here's the one: I think the synapses line should be on the same line as the line before.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
Last edited by DigUpHerBones at Nov 14, 2008,
#9
is this about the way people criticise your work with out bothering to understand what you meant by it and what it means to you?
#10
Katherine, you make me feel all nice inside. Thank you very much.
What do you mean synapses? I know what the word means but what section are you talking about?

kdownes - what is your name, mate? I've seen you all over the place now - you are close with your description. Like I said, I don't want to say what this is about because it actually goes against the whole theme of the poem. You are correct in thinking that it's about words and expression, I'll say that.
#11
That second line becomes so so incredible on second reading, by the way.

By the synapses line I mean the line where the word 'synapses' is said. Errr... nine from the bottom.

This, to me, is about great poets compared to the normal poet. A poem can be twisted inside a tongue tied mouth and not work well for them. This opinion is as good as the one of another great writer because poems reflect society. Those with the apt for words have the ability to define those without it or who feel they don't have it, but can perhaps not feel it as deeply because the poem can't give them the revelation. Revelations tend to come from a greater mouth to a smaller one. Perhaps the greater mouths are missing out or perhaps this idea is a misconception.

There are subconscious meanings I have in my head that I can't put in to words. Find which category you fit in to then eh, Mr. Goldfish

To quote a man who lives in Manchester "I'm pretty sure that these songs I adore mean much more to me than the people who wrote them". But it's more than that. It's about levels and twisting and bridges. And every view of life is equal because everyone has a brain and the ability to percept.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
Last edited by DigUpHerBones at Nov 14, 2008,
#12
It's Kyle mate, nice to know I was close. I'll enjoy it for what i think it is, and i do enjoy this. There is an intricate beauty and honesty to this that really appeals to me.
#13
That was one of the main points I wanted to convey, yes. Your subconsciousness is not too far from the truth at all little missy.
What you may of missed though is that I barely ever write something that has a direct point to make, unless it's about me. I'm a selfish writer. If it doesn't apply to me and my life, the chances are, I won't write about it; probably my downfall.
I don't have smart quips and remarks to make about religion, politics, alcohol, societies sociable activities, etc. I just write what is going inside my head and heart. Some people hate that.

I do feel sorry for the ultimate writers because I fear them. Where do they find their contentment and tone from? Is it just in them from the beginning? Can't everyone describe their emotions? Why are some people better with words than others? What gives them the right to be better and more unique than me.
The confidence in this is really stark compared to the insecurities which it initially is about.

So, with that in mind, this is really focused on how I find it difficult to express myself in an individual and unique manner. I find myself stealing other peoples "revelations", like you say, and using their methods, whilst unable to discover my own true tone. But the question is: is my copying actually a technique in itself? Is that me? Is that possible? That's what I've been trying to ask myself for years.

This is probably my favourite thing I've ever written because it is me, yet is someone else at the same time - guttiwuts (taken from A Clockwork Orange) It is me being honest with myself. I copy people. I am not real. But maybe, just maybe, if I veer so far away from myself, I will turn into an uber copying machine, doing a total 360 on myself; finding my voice by being everyone else.

Make sense?
#14
Well, this is definitely my favorite from you, I really liked this voice, and I think you should get MSN again or go on it because I want to actually talk to you
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#15
aha, i thought that might be it. I can sympathise. Brilliant writer's scare me, because I know I'll never be that good. I just don't ahve that gift. I look at some work and just go "how the **** did they just do that?" Before now, I've never got one hudnred percent into your work, because they were written for you, and therefor were less accessible. Not that that is a bad thing though. But this was beautiful. Well done. Yeah, I'd love to talk to you as well. You sound like jsut the kind of person I'd love to be friends with, even if it is just in the virtual world
#16


Parchment peril with
second time reading,
a paragraph sitting
not so neatly
inside a not so neat
tongue tied
guttiwut;
slightly empty, but
somehow equivalent
to a quaint curiosity of
wet tongues,
where the
mouths are not just
quelled quills that
quail in the pain of
not knowing
what to say;
tarred silent...
(I would too if I didn't have a point)
His kind of gets fun to read after a while, but I don't like it that much =/

...but are actually
divine entries
into an imaginary
blog of poetry,
defining
me,
^ turn these two in one line
designing the creatures
that dwell deep
in my synapses;
clothed and clotted
with their own
lack of appreciation.
This is better, gets across the point in a better way also

I wish I could talk to them,
write them a sonnet,
talk some sense into them.
This reads really unconfortably...

Maybe then, just maybe,
I will know what to say.
Good ending.

I have to say I didn't like this. It didn't entangle me or anything; I don't know what else to say...