#1
(Ok guys there may be some confusion about a few things like why I say I'll prove you wrong and all that means is that this girl will not give me a chance even though deep down she really loves me.)

Pre-Verse/Opening:

As I lay here,
Wondering and awake.
I can't help but to think of you,
And all of my mistakes.
But I still believe there's love in your heart...

And If you don't tell me soon I might fall apart.

Verse 1:

I spend everyday,
Trying to make it work.
But all you ever say,
Is that love hurts.
How can you sleep at night,
When I'm not there?
And how can I move on,
You're everwhere!

Chorus:

You're everywhere I go,
You're everything I see.
No matter what hapens,
I still believe.
No matter what we go through,
We can make it far...

Just give me one chance,
And I'll prove you wrong.

Verse 2:

My mind says I'm doing ok,
But I disagree.
Cause' in my heart,
you're everything to me.
They try to put me down,
and turn me away.
But my feelings for you,
WILL NEVER CHANGE!!!

(Solo played mostly in C)

Chorus:

You're everywhere I go,
You're everything I see.
No matter what hapens,
I still believe.
No matter what we go through,
We can make it far...

Just give me one chance,
And I'll prove you wrong.
#2
sounds very boy-bandish

Epi Les Paul Std w/Duncans
ESP LTD EX260
Cry Baby From Hell
Marshall JH-1
EHX Metal Muff
MXR EVH Phase 90
Carl Martin Classic Chorus
EHX #1 Echo
Ibanez LU-20
Dunlop DCB-10
Crate V50112
Tascam US144


PEDALBOARD JUNKIES
#3
Quote by Tyler Durden
sounds very boy-bandish


you mean the content?

agreed.


very cliche, overused, cheesy, nothing new, not well written.
#4
This is overtly ripe with clichés - a rock solid pear that tastes like soggy polystyrene.
That said, it is kinda intelligible to me in one or two ways. The feelings people possess don't often vary, like you mentioned, but they do relax and turn themselves down in time, which you failed to touch on. You basically repeated all the same ideas that everyone else sings about and didn't elaborate on anything interesting, even though you had one or two neat little ideas that were worth working with.
A lot also felt like filler, like you were trying to cram all your ideas into the typical song structures that every rocker goes for. Mix it up a bit.

Your first verse wasn't too bad at all, but this let it down drastically:
- "But I still believe there's love in your heart...

And If you don't tell me soon I might fall apart." - Rhyming was awful and you could of left this out entirely; leaving the reader to make up his own philosophies about its meaning and derivations.

- "How can you sleep at night,
When I'm not there?" - Do you not recognize the pretentiousness to this? Sometimes it's effective to be vain if your being downright honest, but this doesn't seem like that in the slightest sense.

Chorus was good apart from this:
- "We can make it far..." and
- "Just give me one chance,
And I'll prove you wrong." - even though the desperation here was effective.

Verse two - meh, it's a little better than the rest. Nothing too strong I would want to quibble with but it still retains the same bad cliches and simplistic boringness that this song is pact full of.

I don't mean to seem harsh, I'm just being honest, so don't take anything too personally. I hope I made an impact and helped as much as possible.
Thank you for reaching mine.

Digitally Clean
#6
pretty superficial. Sounds like what I wrote for the exact same situation... but not nearly as bad. Take a step back, look deeper and write what you feel, not what you think.
Fact: Bears eat beats. Bears beats Battlestar Galactica.
#7
Sorry man
Gotta agree with everyone. You don't leave anything to interpretation. ITs direct, which can be good sometimes, but it jsut doesnt work for me man.
Thomme's got a good point. You are putting thoughts into words, not feelings. Obviously this is something thats bugging you more in your heart, so speak from the heart. The words will choose themselves and you will end up with a piece of way better quality while still getting the same message across.
Keep the feelings, change all the words.
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