#1
I had lunch with a woman
whom I've known for quite a while,
she's been the same since her husband died --
risque sense of humor,
generous, genuine in a motherly sense,
the kind of person who makes you a better person.
I could hear the ice rattling inside her glass
as she described getting stood up
by a blind date last night.
and I would've tried to comfort her,
but no, I don't think I've earned the right.
so I sat there and nodded,
smiled when I should've smiled,
and eventually, as I took a sip,
the conversation shifted to my life,
and I looked her in the eyes and said,
I wish I wasn't such an asshole all the time.
Last edited by SilenceEvolves at Nov 14, 2008,
#2
Perhaps the 'you' before 'a better person' should be on the line before.

I'll get back to this. I'm either in a really incredibly accepting mood or I'm reading great pieces tonight. I'm 99% sure it's both, but I'll be back just to check.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#4
dman, Katerine beat me to the punch. That line was my only complaint about this whole poem. Curse you, DigUp

But anyway, this is the best I've seen from you so far. Simple, to the point, beautiful, connectable characters and an interesting story. I loved it
#5
We love you anyway, Corey.
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#6
I really liked this. I'm impressed. It's simple yet gives a three-dimensional story in its few lines, it really engaged this responder. I liked the twist at the end which nicely tied it up, and the theme was something I tend to enjoy in lots of different pieces.

Points on specific parts:
- "...the kind of person who makes you a better person." Repetition of 'person' stunts the flow. Maybe replace the first 'person' with 'friend'?

- Capitalise 'and' and 'so'.

- Nice use of 'ice rattling inside her glass' to bring the reader into the story by evokative auditory desciption

Good job!
Last edited by Le_Bunny at Nov 14, 2008,
#7
Corey man. reading this made me realize how much I missed reading your pieces.

I can't really point out any flaw
so I'll just show some lovin'

<3
#8
aww thanks.

kdownes, yeah, I do feel like I'm finally feeling my rhythm after taking way too long of a break from writing. I appreciate the comment!

other corey, I love you more.

le bunny, thanks a lot. I actually tend not to capitalize words except for "I" and maybe pronouns -- it's a stylistic thing I suppose. good catch, though. I can tell you'll be a valuable addition to this community.

mat, reading that reminded me how much I missed you! thanks a lot girl.
#9
the shift in the tone of the piece right at the end is great.

right up until the very last line i was getting a gentlemanly, conservative kind of vibe from it. the last line sort of sent me another way.

if i had to pick on anything id say the "risque sense of humour" line seems to stand aside from the list of her other qualities, and im not sure if that was intentional but it just made it seem a bit jerky to me.

other than that, a very tight little piece.
nice one
--------------------i'm definitely the alphaest male here--------------------
#10
I liked the overall sentiment of this piece. Maybe I felt like there should have been more substance that would make the last sentence have more of an impact. The only thing that I know about the speaker, really, is that he felt he couldn't shouldn't didn't have the right to comfort her, so just nodded and listened and smiled in the stock-friend-reaction way.

I thought it was well spoken. It was clear, and concise. The only part that maybe I didn't like was "as I took a sip." Maybe establish that you were drinking something at all? A conversation can shift to your life in the time it takes to sip something? Meh. That is me being pedantic, though, so ignore it.