#1
I live in contradiction on the shore
of an infinite sea.


I live in contradiction

on the shore

of an infinite

sea.


And if an endless sea has shores -



This is not a pipe
#2
I like this. It just says it as it is. But, I don't know why you repeated yourself, adding the spaces as you did. Care to explain? I know I could be missing something rather important.

The clever way you ended this is so blatant that your practically smacking me in the face saying, think for yourself, it's open to interpretation. I'd be embarrased if I got that totally wrong, but hey, it's what I gathered from it.

With all those minor thoughts put down, this isn't pretentious or gimmick like. You don't use your obvious intelligence to grab a fish and whip the reader into some sought of vain smackerama'; this is too honest for that.
You explain a part of yourself that is very daring and adventurous, even though so many people suffer from the same issue.
But the title - which I made sure to pay attention to as you often use headers that quietly interlink with the story and bulk poem - plays cleverly on the options of someones life and shows prospects, both positive and negative. Which ties wonderfully in with the ocean idea as the analogy for unpredictability.

Great work, Carmel. I hope I got the right impression.

Digitally Clean
#3
The only thing I wonder about is why you at first used infinite, then changed it to endless. I think endless would work better both times for a stupidly finnicky reason. Infinite =/= endless. An endless sea could be 30 miles across, as long as there was no shore.

Now obviosuly that's a ridiculous reason, but maybe repeating endless, like yo've repeated everything else, would emphasise the idea of a shore, which infinite doesn't do as much.

If the idea doesn't work, it's cause I can't get to grips with what the point of the contradiction is

Anyway, I liked the poem. I felt desolate and as if I was standing at the edge the endless sea, but it was too dense and short at the same time for me to get into it.


EDIT: Was it purposeful that the second split up repeated line sounded like waves lapping, to me at least?
On vacation from modding = don't pm me with your pish
#4
Quote by meh!
EDIT: Was it purposeful that the second split up repeated line sounded like waves lapping, to me at least?


Yes.
This is not a pipe
#6
until i got to the final line, i was looking from the shore to the sea, stretching away forever.

then -
Meadows
Quote by Jackal58
I release my inner liberal every morning when I take a shit.
Quote by SK8RDUDE411
I wont be like those jerks who dedicate their beliefs to logic and reaosn.
#7
if beauty could be writting in words, i think it would look like this. this was so peaceful and calming, you really cpture the essence of what you are trying to portray
#8
Quote by carmel_l
Yes.



That's just excellent... lol

*walks away impressed*
On vacation from modding = don't pm me with your pish
#9
Maybe I'm missing something, but I just couldn't get much out of this. It just felt like a witty remark. Feel free to tell me if I'm missing the point, but I couldn't find anything other than that.
#10
Well it made me think and it made me smile. I also love poetry which emphasises its point with its structure, so yeah, this was a teeny-teeny little bit of beauty.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#11
I am afraid that I have to agree with the ninjamonkey. Now, I don't wanna be seen as ignorant, but simply, as a work of art, I could not find anything particularly remarkable about it, perhaps because it didnt grab anything in my chest or in my head. Its too much like modern art to me, (to anyone who has read Bluebeard by Vonnegut) and I don't believe that art should be complimented simply for being art. However, since others seem to like it, I compliment you on your ability to reach some people at least.
#12
I read this, Carmel.

Just letting you know.
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#14
it's ridiculous, the pretentiousness. it doesn't have to be a classic piece of art, it's poetry, goddamnit, and you're taking it way too seriously. it shouldn't matter that you "didn't get anything out of it." she got something out of it.

and to carmel, i liked it.
#15
Quote by Arthur Curry
it's ridiculous, the pretentiousness. it doesn't have to be a classic piece of art, it's poetry, goddamnit, and you're taking it way too seriously. it shouldn't matter that you "didn't get anything out of it." she got something out of it.

and to carmel, i liked it.


yep.

there is nothing fundamentally wrong with this, so there's no constructive criticism I can really give ya. I enjoyed this, the ambiguity especially struck a chord with me as it could mean anything to anybody. well done carmel.
#16
Quote by Arthur Curry
it's ridiculous, the pretentiousness. it doesn't have to be a classic piece of art, it's poetry, goddamnit, and you're taking it way too seriously. it shouldn't matter that you "didn't get anything out of it." she got something out of it.



That's what she's interested in finding out though. She's above technical corrections for hte most part, she knows exactly what she's doing... she wants to know how it effects the reader.

To be honest, Ms. Carmel, I'm with the others that didn't feel it. This was calm and lovely in that sense... but at the end I just thought, "why." I can't find a way to put my finger on it... but this felt... I don't know. I want to say a bit pretentious... but its not. I want to say incomplete... but its not. It's some cross between a pretentious approach to an incomplete sentiment for me. But at the same time its not any of those things. I just couldn't find enough about this for me to really dig into. In a sense, like a personality-less model. She's gorgeous, and there is a bit underneath the pretty... but if I search deeper I feel like she hasn't developed a true personality. She's only as deep as being functional and pretty. GOT IT. This isn't pretentious and any of that bullshit I just said; this is block/standard. This is they type of thing I've come to expect in poetry. This is... lifeless to me. It's pretty and nice to read... but at the end its just a stagnant image; sure, I can tell there is something behind it for you... but to me as a reader, there wasn't enough for me to personally draw any sort of personality to the words or tone to draw a conclusion outside of the witty comments.

There was personality in the last line... there was Carmel humor... but I'm afraid the other idea was just standard poetry to me. I'm sorry, I'm a bit drunk and rambling. I think you get the idea.

All that bullshit I just spewed aside, I'll be re-reading this again and again because it makes me feel calm.
#17
Zach's right about me wanting to hear what my piece means to people rather than technical comments, this is also why I posted a piece that (to me) is perfectly executed on the technical side, and perhaps a bit harder on the meaning for some.

Thank you very much guys. I really do appreciate all the comments. I'll be returning critiques today (for those I haven't yet), please PM me if you have anything specific you want me to look at.
This is not a pipe
#18
this is interesting to read.
im not sure if i fully understood the message, but still makes for an interesting read.
what i like most is the line spaces. when i was reading it it gave the feeling of slowly breaking things down to try to comprehend them. like a mathematical equation that you just cant find the answer to first time through.

also, the endlessness seems like a nice little touch.

i've read this through 10 or so times and im still trying to figure it out, but at least its kept me reading.
--------------------i'm definitely the alphaest male here--------------------
#19
I don't tend to bring forth what stands behind my pieces and what they are about and what are the meanings for me. However, if anyone is really intrigued, PM me and I'll try and give you some introspective.

Much love.
This is not a pipe