#1
This is my first acoustic song, not that it makes any difference though :P
**Scroll Down to POST #5 V

*=don't like the word
**= don't like the line
Any ways to improve it would be appreciated
thanks

In An Instant

Verse 1 not written yet

The clock standing proudly up on the shelf;
Take it down
Break off the hands
What use has it now?
None that I can see
Things are destroyed in an instant.


Lives have been torn by/like* the flick of a switch
The lick of a flame gone the next second,
Lingers for a moment
Does its deed
Moves on
Touching every life as it moves* from town to town.
The pull of a trigger,
Sheet ice beneath the wheels
Unstoppable forces
For not long they remain**
All it takes is the truth to be told,
For a lie to be realised
For your blood to run cold

The clock standing proudly up on the shelf;
Take it down
Break off the hands
What use has it now?
None that I can see
Things are destroyed in an instant.



The clock standing proudly up on the shelf;
Take it down
Break off the hands
What use has it now?
None that I can see
Things are destroyed in an instant.
My current acoustic group:

Fiftieth Parallel

Martin Guitars
Elixer Strings
Acoustic amplification
BOSS pedals

Last edited by jon93971 at Dec 6, 2008,
#2
It's all right so far.
Can't really see a rhyming scheme anywhere either.
Also what exactly are you saying?
For me it's to general. One minute you're talking about clocks being destroyed and the next your talking about unstoppable forces? What's this unstoppable force? What connection are you trying to make?
To me you haven't made a clear statement about what it is you're writing about in the song, I'm getting a warish vibe possibly even a song about death coming through but I'm not close to certain.
Make it clear possibly in the first verse you're still working on.

Quote by jon93971
Lives have been torn by/like* the flick of a switch

Lives have been torn away with the flick of a switch?

Quote by jon93971
Moves on
Touching every life as it moves* from town to town.

Crawls along
Touching every life as it moves from town to town?

Quote by jon93971
Unstoppable forces
For not long they remain

Unstoppable forces that wont remain?

Sorry if it seems unduly harsh just doing the best I can to help, the first 5 lines of the first stanza are great.
Last edited by Blue? at Nov 14, 2008,
#3
It's not harsh.
It's sort of about how things can be taken away in an instant. An how lives can change in an instant.
The clock's hands are snapped off and its use is taken away in an instant.
I'll make it all a lot clearer in the first verse. It's still a work in progress so its going to be pretty sketchy at the moment :P
Also I agree with you on the unstoppable forces lines, I'll change them as I don't like them too much
Thanks anyway
Send me a link to some of your stuff and I'll have a look if you want

EDIT:
Moves on
Touching every life as it moves from town to town

I think moves works well on the first line as it gives the effect that 'it' doesn't really care about people imo anyway.
What about 'Jumps from town to town'? or is that a bit too 'happy'?
'Stirs from town to town'. Doesn't work does it??
My current acoustic group:

Fiftieth Parallel

Martin Guitars
Elixer Strings
Acoustic amplification
BOSS pedals

Last edited by jon93971 at Nov 15, 2008,
#4
repost this when its fully done, pm or or something and ill come crit it, because for now, i cant really feel the structure. right now, its a chorus, written out three times, and something that kind of resembles a verse.

dont write GUITAR SOLO HERE LOL or anything on it. only one thing annoys me more than people who feel the need to write shit on their piece like "this is the verse here blah dah dah, and here theres going to be an epic metallica solo lol", and that is bad spelling/grammar in a piece.

but, i am intrigued.

will crit this. you have my word. as long as you remind me. my memory is not what it used to be.
#5
I don't know how good this is, but hey :P

In An Instant

Insanity fuels the fire of my mind
Sweeping through from one idea to the next
Engulfed in flame,
I make reckless choices
Resulting in seconds that change the world

Under the stars we lie awake
Lost as the moment begins its descent;
Never to be found again
Shattered forever,
In an instant

The clock standing proudly up on the shelf,
Take it down
Break off the hands
What use has it now?
None that I can see
Things are destroyed in an instant

Lives have been torn with the flick of a switch
The lick of a flame gone the next second,
Lingers for a moment
Does its deed
Moves on
Touching every life as it crawls from town to town

The pull of a trigger
Sheet ice beneath the wheels,
Snap judgments make all the difference
All it takes is the truth to be told,
For a lie to be realised for your blood to run cold

The clock standing proudly up on the shelf,
Take it down
Break off the hands
What use has it now?
None that I can see
Things are destroyed in an instant


The clock standing proudly up on the shelf,
Take it down
Break off the hands
What use has it now?
None that I can see
Lives are destroyed in an instant
My current acoustic group:

Fiftieth Parallel

Martin Guitars
Elixer Strings
Acoustic amplification
BOSS pedals

Last edited by jon93971 at Nov 16, 2008,
#7
Quote by jon93971
Thanks for the reminder. Sorry. Now I really owe you.

In An Instant

Insanity fuels the fire of my mind
Alliteration, nice.
Sweeping through from one idea to the next
Engulfed in flame,
I make reckless choices
Good, nothing wrong here.
Resulting in seconds that change the world
Felt a little tagged on, and you go suddenly from "my mind", "I make" to "the world". It threw me off.
I like how it's all about fire, but doesn't get repetitive, well done.


Under the stars we lie awake
Cliche. You can keep the idea, but word it differently.
"like the stars we like awake"?
I don't know, I'm not you.

Lost as the moment begins its descent;
Never to be found again
Shattered forever,
In an instant
You condradict yourself here, as at first you say the moment descends, and that tends to happen slowly, and then you say it shatters, which happens fast.
Re-write that "begins its descent". I couldn't really connect with that line anyway.


The clock standing proudly up on the shelf,
Take it down
Break off the hands
What use has it now?
I smiled.
None that I can see
These two lines are worded quite strangely. A little like Yoda.
Things are destroyed in an instant
Good, but completely irrelevant.


Lives have been torn with the flick of a switch
The lick of a flame gone the next second,
Lingers for a moment
Again, you contradict yourself, but in a different way this time. You say that it goes almost instantly, then you double back on yourself to the moment before it leaves. (I like flick of/lick of)
Does its deed
Moves on
Touching every life as it crawls from town to town
Good.

The pull of a trigger
Sheet ice beneath the wheels,
Snap judgments make all the difference
All it takes is the truth to be told,
Don't like the repetition of "all".
For a lie to be realised for your blood to run cold
Great stanza, otherwise.

The clock standing proudly up on the shelf,
Take it down
Break off the hands
What use has it now?
None that I can see
Things are destroyed in an instant


The clock standing proudly up on the shelf,
Take it down
Break off the hands
What use has it now?
None that I can see
Lives are destroyed in an instant


I apologize.
#8
Apologize for what?
Anways, thanks for the crit, I'll get round to looking at yours sometime soon
My current acoustic group:

Fiftieth Parallel

Martin Guitars
Elixer Strings
Acoustic amplification
BOSS pedals