Ok, I listened this once and I can't really say anything sticked. There were few cool sounds and tones... so you've got that going. Let's play it again, shall we?
The intro is nice and moody and I can sort of get into it. Just that it's so damn safe, you know what I'm saying? I've heard that same sort of riffage a million times and it sounds... nice... but that's all. It's like people who write lyrics only use words like "rain", "autumn", "darkness", "life" etc. You know? There's no character to it. You hear it, you don't react to it, and then you forget it. It works as something atmospheric; to serve as a ground for something worth noticing to rise up. And I kinda have this nagging feeling saying that... because not everything has to be more than atmospheric. It's just that I must comment it as how I would've done it, right? It's my subjective view. So, as an intro, sorry to say this, but that's quite bland and doesn't really amp you up to the rest of the song. :/ Try to come up with a melody or maybe just something with character. Something that isn't so damn safe and nice. You have character, right? You just need to give something of yourself.
What to say about the drums. Interesting, I guess. I never heard anyone playing anything like that and I can't really grasp any sense of beat or rhythm. Damn this is negative. Uggh. Listen, if you think your song is good then please just ignore anything I say that you think doesn't serve you. My purpose is not to try and make you feel like shit and show off my somewhat existing songwriting skills. I'm just writing about what this song makes me feel...
And even so I have this... nagging damn feeling. Because when I started listening Dream Theater I just could NOT grasp their music at all but I just kept listening and then one day it started sounding AMAZING. So maybe I'm just wrong with anything I say here.
Oh shit, well here goes...
The chorus(?) that starts round 1:25 has a sort of characteristic guitar riff if I could make any sense of it. The thing is that it kinda just sounds like you came up with chords and then forced yourself to rip them apart. I might be projecting because I definately used to do this.
I thought it was PROG, but now I listen to those recordings and just gringe.
The thing is... I can't imagine hearing any of this in my head really. I mean when I make songs I listen and then play it back. The thing that comes from my head ends up to the recording. I used to write songs by just playing around with guitar and adding notes and breaking things apart an fidgeting around chords because I needed to somehow make it sound not so generic. But that never sounded good to me. What sounds good to me is what sounds good to me and that's what I write down... so to speak. Damn that sounds cynical.
Listen, there is a part where I can clearly hear you had a thing in your head that you though sounded cool (and it does) and you wanted to put it there... the CHORUS. Not the guitar nonesense that's going on there, but the VOCALS. And this often happens with vocals, because you sing in order to come up with the melody. You don't generally write vox melodies with guitar. And the rest of the song just sounds like you're trying to intellectualize the music too much. You're trying to think what would sound proggy and make that work. I might be waaaay off with this one but that's how I sometimes work!
And there's nothing really wrong with that I mean that's basically what Meshuggah does and they've got their niche and some people love it. It's just that I don't.
The vox are really what ties everything together in this song. They are the glue. Without them it would all just fall apart for me. The solo sounds nice and different and melodic and very thoroughly thought thru. Umm... got some very nice things going on there.
The drums just baffle me through the song. I actually think I would enjoy this track more without them. It's just some random noise at the background that doesn't really improve the track in anyway. It doesn't support the other instruments and it doesn't even really drive the song onwards. Normal beat or just silence in the drum department would benefit this track GREATLY!
Now I'm thinking if I should even post this comment. Ugggh... please just don't take this the wrong way. I hope you can handle some subjective criticism, because I certainly can't, haha!