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Thanks man, it's always nice to get a little feedback. Maybe I'll drop by here more often.
Hey, I haven't posted or lurked in years, but I still recognize a few friendly names. Just thought I'd share this.


the vehicle is the body of the soul (empty)
with supple skin stitched seams.
silently like each bright beam
violently vibrant visions stream
via the seven slippery speeds,
the psychedelics and the weed
yet remains unseen (still empty)

a black ghost like a black bull
blasts through the black night
with no fight,
full force full pull (but the void)
six cylinders ignite the sprayed petrol
which blooms like a beautiful flower
with propellant push pollen power
from the front hull,
but a hollow shell holding (the void)
like my melancholy skull (I meander)
wish I had a spot to stop at
like the lunar lander (but where are its passengers?)
no love lives lives all the blander
am I just a carpenter with a sander?
slowly sanding away at the surface,
trying to reveal a hidden purpose?

in this cockpit of this cog bits machine
speeding severely (still steering clearly)
I yearn for the yarn of an undreamt dream
that I can unravel, but instead feeling dead I travel
tirelessly, but with freshly treaded tires,
connecting wirelessly with 1,000 other liars (still empty)
I just wrote this after smoking an eighth of sour d. This is basically all my thoughts flushed from brain to written word, so please bear with any typos or disjointedness. As usual, all crit is greatly appreciated and will be reciprocated as soon as I have time.


sometimes i pixelate
and skip a byte or two
like a lightbulb of bright blue atmosphere,
condensed and crytalized;
flickering to your heartbeat

i'm a concrescence of
carbon-based chemistry
and cells with silver linings --
the circuitry of life,
1's and 0's in biological harmony
a honeycomb of microscopic beings.
honey drips across my vision as I
pack smoke into my lungs and start seeing
things and hearing illusions
grains crawl slowly through the hour glass
when they should have fallen, so the
minutes pass like a breeze of pollen
ever melancholy I keep the march on,
inhale till I feel like I'm falling
up to the stratosphere
leaving the atmosphere

deep seated defeatedness
here and greeting us
welcoming the new reality
moment warping euphoric tragedy
it's really hitting me
that all I wanna do is sitting
right in front of me:
bronze skin, blonde hair.
beautiful bullet to my brain
if only i didn't care
So I took some DXM and myristicin earlier. This is the result. I wrote this on the spot. It's basically a summation of my depression, sexual hunger, loneliness, and drug induced dream states.


13 dimensional guitar picks make
liquid light explode into shards through window panes,
leaving parallelograms of blond warmth on the wall.
discrete precipitations of moments unfettered from time,
like splashes in a cosmic stream of infinite return,
shutter back and forth in scrambled order like a
haberdasher's puzzle falling in the wind.
but is my brain a folded flesh cage
from which I cannot escape?
perhaps this entire universe of painted lilies and
black skies filled brimwise with starclutter is inside
my head.

crimson curtains cry vermilion silk sheets,
scarlet symphonies of sad, sour seventeens
string simple harmonies along streets and coffee shops
for eyes to see and ears to glimpse, if only fleetingly.
90's wishes childhood for sunshine summer ocean sky,
to go back into easier times when simple songs and single
scenes reigned centuries and decades' time.
If the C#/Db is added without replacing the natural second, it could be an Eb bebop dominant scale.
Quote by rebelmidget
i am aware that this isn't a haiku by any definition, i was stoned and counted wrong. I'm just saying as long as it has 17 syllables it can be called a haiku. didn't need all these people to fill me in on things I already knew.


If we thought you already knew it, we wouldn't be telling you such. Everyone gets stoned and counts wrong, but most people don't get upset and defensive after the fact. No one's accusing you of being ignorant to poetic formats. We simply read the title, noticed that the poem was by no means a haiku, and presented definitions thereof to clarify (how should we have known you were stoned and counted wrong?). As for the bolded sentence, this is simply not true. If a total of 17 syllables were the only criteria for classifying a piece as a haiku, the format would be pointless. The number of lines and syllables therein are key to a poem's being a haiku. Doesn't have three lines/doesn't follow the 5,7,5 pattern? It's not a haiku. /story


Quote by rebelmidget
"supposed to be". supposed by who? one reason most people aren't into poetry is the loads and loads of pretense surrounding it, pretense which is promoted ceaselessly by some of it's supporters and practitioners. I write words sometimes, I wrote these ones wrong because I got high. what do you call a 17 syllable poem? idk, haiku? sounds good to me.

nothing is good or bad, right or wrong.
everything that exists is subject to your perspective, and as long as all perspectives differ there can be no universal truth. no right way and also no wrong way.
murder is only wrong because most people think so. logic is a defense mechanism we all agree on. everything is choice and nothing is sacred.

i'll stop now.
stay grey.


No one said you couldn't ignore the "rules"; you can write however you want. But then it's not a haiku. While one of the rules of haiku is the use of Japanese, we've adopted the form in western culture to mean a three line poem with 5, 7, and 5 syllables in the first, second, and third lines respectively. You don't have to follow these "rules", but keep in mind that if you don't that there's no point in calling it a haiku. Here's one to demonstrate.

you wouldn't call a
fridge a book, you'd call it a
refrigerator

EDIT: also:

please don't fret because
you did not write a haiku.
we all make mistakes.
I can't think of any way this could possibly be a haiku. It would at least have to have a total of 17 syllables (then you could divide the lines accordingly), but this has 16. Also, a haiku is as such:

line 1 = 5 syllables
line 2 = 7 syllables
line 3 = 5 syllables

Technically it should be five, seven, and then five moras , but outside of Japan the convention is to measure in syllables.
Quote by Svetlova
Solid title.


Thanks.

Quote by Grimnak27
murasaki=purple?


Yes, but masu murasaki is also a type of Japanese maple tree that is popular in my area.
^ No problem, man. :P
Quote by rd93
The imagery was nice, but there isn't much to this. I'm not trying to be a d1ck but I didn't really draw any kind of emotion from this.


The purpose was really to describe a moment, a state of mind if you will. More an atmosphere of thought than an emotional state. Regardless, I see where you're coming from and appreciate that you took the time to comment. If you have anything you want crit on, just drop a link.
i like to walk outside on autumn nights,
when the amber street-lamps light up the oaks and maples.
often, i can see depth in the sky;
like staring fathoms in four dimensions.
I feel like the dialogue was making quite a bit of sense (even if it was a bit cryptic) up until the water line. At that point, it becomes seemingly random and I had a harder and harder time extracting any sort of meaning from it. Don't get me wrong, I enjoyed it. But, I think for it's length it's a bit lacking in substance (at least any substance that the reader is able to associate with). Other than the 4/5th and last two lines, it came together really well. However, those two sort of jumped out as out of place and seemingly irrelevant to the rest of the dialogue. But then again, it may just be an insufficient analysis on my part. I think I'll give it another read or two.
Quote by griffRG7321
I'm saying it can't be measured, for it is subjective. If someone mindlessly plays a bend with a nice vibrato on it, someone might perceive it as emotional, even though the artist has put no emotional input into it whatsoever. In the same way someone could put feeling into their playing and the listener receive nothing from it.

It's all in the listener.


You're making this into a classic case of "If a tree falls in the forest, and no one is there to here it, does it make a sound?"
Quote by TMVATDI
i just tuned my guitar to this and realized i did it with absolutely no idea what i would do with it.....


Hahaha. Yeah, it's just major 3rds tuning with the 6th string dropped to C# though.
Personally, I find C# G# B# E G# B# to be quite useful. You get the top 5 strings tuned in 3rds and the bottom 2 a fifth apart. It makes for some great post-metal/post-rock sounds (of course you could play any style, but that's just what I find it most useful for personally).
Quote by Henkdemachtige
You killed this track.


You mean his poem/lyrics? Sorry I guess. To be honest, I actually like it quite a bit. Granted, the meter was a bit... off at points, but it was a solid piece. I'm just kind of obsessive about correcting people, especially on grammar and cultural matters. It's just my nature. Sorry if I offended anyone or "killed" the piece.

EDIT: It really doesn't change the meaning/impact of the song at all, since he's not claiming to literally be karma. He's using it as a metaphor for the actual character.
I used to have this old watch. It was an antique pocket-watch with a fine, golden chain and clasp. I remember how after I'd had it maybe a year (two?), it started losing time. It was only a minute or two at first, but after a month or two it began losing almost exactly an hour by the evening (I would set it at 5:55 every morning; I never really minded having OCD, so there seemed to be no point in doping up). Soon it would be behind by three or four hours.

By then, I'd decided it needed a proper cleaning (who knew when it'd last been cleaned, it could have been ages ago). Plus, I'd inadvertently broken the little clasp. Now, I remember that the shop I'd taken it to was extra busy, so it was going to take a few weeks. Around that time (it was my 20th birthday), my dad got me a Girard-Perregaux Gyromatic wristwatch. It had an alligator band and everything (not to mention it didn't need winding). But after a few weeks, it was losing about an hour a day, just like the other watch. Over the next eight or so months, I began obsessively collecting, selling, and tinkering with dozens of watches of all sorts. My quest for perfect time keeping was in vain. Every watch, clock, and the like that found its way into my possession inexplicably lost time at an increasing rate. After the fourth or fifth one, I had the idea to compare how they were losing time relative to one another. I still remember getting odd looks as I would browse through records at Coconuts, wearing six or seven watches. I imagine I must've come off as an "eccentric personality", as my dad used to say.

By October of '98, all 13 of my watches were at least a year behind. It really became exceedingly difficult to keep track after a few weeks. There's really no telling how long it was. Anyway, I recall it being the week before Halloween, and I was going to ask Jen Adler to the dance. Considering it'd been three years since I'd had been on a date (if you could call two seventh graders going bowling with a group of friends a date), I was rather nervous. What if she said "no"? Somehow, I worked up the courage to ask, and (as if by some sort of miraculous accident) she said "Yes." I was thrilled, to say the least. Of course, I wasn't still wearing all of those watches; I can't imagine she'd have said yes if I was. No, I just kept them on my desk, ticking out of unison in a sort of beautiful way. Like some sort of polyrhythmic clock-shop.

About a week or so after the dance (Jen and I weren't really talking any more. It was sort of like we hadn't even met or become friends), my focus began getting really poor. I remember being all fidgety and hyper, sort of like little kids after too much soda. Anyway, it got to the point where the days just sort of blurred into each other. By then, my parents had had me seeing a doctor. Dr. Kaszowski. I think that's how it's spelled. Anyway, he diagnosed me with sever ADHD and OCD. I agreed to take meds for the ADHD, but I didn't want to be treated for the OCD. It had become a part of who I was. If that meant that I had to finish every drum beat I heard and trace the perimeter of the T.V. screen with my finger through the air, then so be it. Plus, I might've grown out of it when I got older. It seems a little hasty to prescribe heavy duty drugs to an eight year old.


*I'm not sure if I want to add to this or not. :/

EDIT: I cleaned up the capatlisation and split it into paragraphs.
Just like to point out that this isn't what Karma is. I'm not sure if that was the point or not, but "what goes around comes around" is a common western misinterpretation. Karma is Sanskrit for "action". It literally means that one's actions affect the universe, be it subtly or otherwise. The misinterpretation likely comes from the Buddhist idea that all is connected in the universe. Thus, whatever you do unto another ultimately affects you too. But only in the same way as Newton's third law. There is no overarching sense of justice or just desserts. And sorry about not giving a useful/actual crit. I'm just overly obsessive about this sort of thing. :P
Quote by DiminishedFifth
A5(#11) says I.

Name that chord thread next time.


I would argue that it's an Asus#4 chord, but I guess it would depend on the context.
With a b7, it's Phrygian Dominant (which is a mode of Harmonic Minor). If you raise it to a natural 7, you have Double Harmonic Major.

1 b2 3 4 5 b6 b7 - Phrygian Dominant

1 b2 3 4 5 b6 7 - Double Harmonic Major
Quote by Sóknardalr
The physics of how musical instruments are designed has nothing inherent do to with music. Music is not used to calculate anything and there are no musical formulas that you use to solve specific problems. Music is an art form and the earliest known musical instrument: the human voice, needs no designing. Indigenous musicians thousands of years ago were not obsessed with mathematics at all I'm sure. It's idiotic to say music and mathematics don't have a lot in common, but neither is derived from the other.

I feel sorry for you if you truly believe that, you must not enjoy listening to music at all. But to avoid being presumptuous I will, paradoxically, presume you are simply interested in mathematics and its relation to music. As I said, I don't think the two are mutually exclusive at all.

EDIT:

Hey Xiaoxi I'm going on holiday for the next three weeks so I'd appreciate it if you could keep putting up the links to these threads in your signature and I'll catch up when I get back.


Of course I realise that music is an art form (as is mathematics), but that doesn't mean that it's not derived from math. You are right in that musicians do not usually, consciously rely on formulae and such for composition. However, I simply mean that music as a system (in which we "arbitrarily" create musical objects) is mathematical in its construction and constraints. It's like the computer analogy. While we rarely use computers directly for computation these days (aside from technical applications), but all the things we DO do with them are simply many more computations disguised as things like video games, web browsing, etc. At their core, these things are all still series of computations. We just don't look at them that way, because we are controlling the variables and experiencing the results in different media.
Quote by Guppy_Odyssey
The earliest found instruments date well over 20,000 years ago, made by beings that hardly had the ability to communicate, let alone temper an instrument based on specific intervals. And even then, the idea of equally tempered instruments doesn't come along until well into the Common Era.

Anyways, on topic, this thread is awesome, I'll be sure to watch in the days to come.


Quote by Sóknardalr
Technically a computer is something that computes. Modern PCs have very little to do with actual computing though. They are used for a myriad of purposes. Some view music as a mathematical experiment, but that is not what it is at its core. It can be explained by mathematics just like all physical things but it is first and foremost an art and a form of entertainment. Music predates advanced mathematics so it doesn't make sense to say one is based on the other.


Language and mathematics are far more than 20k years old. The oldest mathematical artifact is a 70k or so year old ox femur with a list of prime numbers carved into it. Language (hence communication) is believed to be at least 100k years old. The first musical instruments were bone flutes constructed to play Pythagorean intervals (based on powers of 3/2). As many as 2000 years ago, the Chinese developed 12TET based on finding the 12th root of two. I would hardly say that "advanced mathematics" didn't play a key role in the development of music. Though it may have been a mere exaggeration of speech patterns in its infancy, the music we know today (in all of its forms) is derived from such mathematical principals as trigonometry, exponents, logarithmic functions, etc. Take the construction of one of the earliest predecessors to the guitar: the oud, which dates back at least 5000 years to ancient Mesopotamia. The number of calculations needed to ensure that the neck doesn't snap when you tighten the strings, that the strings are of the correct diameter, that there are pleasing amounts of bass and treble in relation to one another, etc. is huge! And it's no coincidence that there are calculations for all of these things (or rather, the design of such instruments wasn't by accident). The ancient Sumerians, Mesopotamians, Egyptians, Chinese, Greeks, etc. all developed equations for determining these attributes thousands of years before Jesus. There are still texts (or in some cases, references to them in later but still ancient records) describing how if one wishes to change the pitch of a simple hole-less flute by a fifth, one must augment or diminish the length of the instrument by 1/3 of its original length. Records also show formulae for Pythagorean tunings that predate Pythagoras by sometimes more than a thousand years! Even the sizes of sound holes on ancient stringed instruments were chosen for the pitches that would be most amplified. Thus, the dimensions of an instrument's sound hole would/does correspond to the most common pitches played on the instrument. Music is math guys. Everything is math. Sometimes it is by design, other times it is by accident. In the case of music, I would argue that it is just the right blend of both.

EDIT: Hopefully this isn't detracting from the overall quality of thread. I apologise if it is. Also, on topic, what would be some practical uses of this form of analysis in composition. I've been able to get some neat progressions and melodies from applying the idea of symmetry between two pitch classes (i.e. Cmaj7 = 0, 4, 7, 11; if you take the inversions of each note [or rather subtract from twelve], you get 0, 8, 5, 1. Rearranged, this is an Fm(11) chord.), but beyond that, I'm not quite sure what's possible/useful with this. Regardless, it's rather fascinating.
Quote by Venice King
What? No.


Once again, I feel like a dick for pointing this out but I really cannot understand your point of view. Even a basic study of the basics of tunings (the very foundation and core of music) would reveal that the first (and all subsequent) instruments were created as expressions of mathematical properties. And don't even get me started on trigonometric functions and synthesis. It's like saying computers and maths are unrelated; one is strictly based upon the other. However, I don't want to start a flame war or detract from the quality of this thread, so I guess I'll leave it at that.
Quote by Venice King
I study maths, and to be honest maths being applied to music doesn't really work.

I'm intrigued by this though.


Seriously? Music IS math. Ever heard of Pythagorean tuning? How about just intonation? Timbres and their corresponding overtone ratios? Not to be a dick, but music is just a sonic representation of math.
Quote by AeolianWolf
if you can hear a C9, you let me know.

edit: okay, so a C9 is audible. but still.


But I'm guessing a C11 isn't. And anyway, the positional notation theory seems most likely. That was initially what sprang to my mind (though to be fair, I was looking at the circled numbers by mistake ).
Bump

I've been quite intrigued with regards to said subject as of late. I'm not sure if you've created a thread yet, but if you have, a link would be much appreciated.
Thanks man, if you have anything you'd like crit on just drop a link. Same goes for ChemicalFire and DigUpHerBones.
Quote by ChemicalFire
I can't help but feel that the use of the :, / and the [] are simply there to add a feeling of pseudo deepness when in reality they mean nothing, they are unpronounceable save for the : which is simply a pause, which you've used in the wrong context grammatically. Nothing is added by using these apart from making you look slightly more douchey than you did before.


Though if you remove these, the work isn't too shabby at all. I quite like it. But the first thing I saw was needless punctuation.


I certainly understand where you're coming from, and to an extant I'd have to agree with you. I realise that the punctuation is hard to read/pronounce, however they weren't put there simply to "add a feeling of pseudo deepness." If you replace the [] with () and the : with = the meaning becomes more obvious. The only reason I chose brackets and colons over "equals" signs and parenthesis was that I felt they fit more with the imagery. But hey, to each his own, right?
Quote by DigUpHerBones
an ethereal orange was scattered on the water
though the sunlight had dipped below the reaches of the river,
and katherine sat feeling time growing thinner
under the chatter of the gods, above the murmur of monsters This stanza seems a little unsure of itself to me. It feels rhythmically solid, but the inconsistent rhyming, especially upon transitioning into the next stanza, kind of holds it back. Overall though, still a solid stanza.

she lay on her back with her ears on the ground
letting whispers and shrieks bubble up all around,
which with a terrible thunder came crashing down
and surrounded her with shards of solid sound I feel like this stanza has the exact opposite problem: the rhyming is consistent and solid, but the meter of the last line doesn't fit.

and from up in the clouds in a flash of white light
an army of kaleidoscope eyes came into sight I feel like perhaps "entered" would work better than came into, simply for rhythmic purposes. Just my opinion though.
and katherine saw dimensions writhing inside
as they carried her upwards towards the open sky. Still a solid stanza. I enjoyed some of the more interesting imagery.

she fell onto the carpet of her living room floor
and watched a man walk in through the door
who said that he had heard a crashing sound
and asked why she was lying on the ground Perhaps "upon" could replace "on," in order to keep the meter consistent. Otherwise it throws the reader off; it threw me off at least.

when no answer came he offered her a cup of tea,
said supper would be chips and beans
and he asked her if she was really watching the telly
before changing the channel to the bbc. I feel like the first line here is a bit too long, and that the second is too short. It's rhythmically confusing. However, I still think this is a fantastic ending, especially the last line.

I'm working up to writing a proper short story about a girl who takes acid and enters a different world and lives out the rest of her life there.


Overall, I really enjoyed this piece. I felt it had a sort of authenticity to it that I haven't seen for quite a while. Aside from the few minor metric inconsistencies, I think my only complaint would be that it's not very colourful. What I mean to say is this: it's an acid trip. Make it vivid. Make it weird and strange and beautiful. I mean it's already fantastic, but maybe add a little extra zing to make things really pop, you know? I apologise if none of this makes sense: I'm a bit exhausted from hours of jams today. And if it's no trouble, I'd appreciate some crit on the new piece in my sig.
Yeah, I definitely agree. The question then becomes "how abstract is too abstract?" I think that that's something I could work on, to be honest. I suppose everything comes with practice.
Quote by morierdeity
Technically, it's an onomatopoeia since djent is a sound.


True, although I've never come to understand how people derived "djent" from such sounds. It sounds more like "gao" or "gung" to me.
gears and cogs [rust:experience]
spin apart in different directions,
anon and evermore; roots entangle now and then.
sometimes, when they catch
each other just right,
orange thoughts scintillate and dance
but fail to lock that valve open.
most nights i just lay awake,
trying to forget the sparks and whispers
[ignite/:illume] and embrace
my inner android; to restitch the silver lining.
Quote by morierdeity
Isn't it to-u-kyo-u, as written with the actual hiragana? I know when the Japanese say it the "u" is almost non-evident, but I figure that's just the altered pronunciation that all races tend to do to their words.


Yeah, it's the same in English for words like "djent." Although, technically that's a genre and not a word per se.
Sci-fi mysteries > murder
Quote by spike_8bkp
Can we rid this board of this flatulent ignorance? Please?

I'm having trouble with the 'meter' idea - there's no real pattern to it, and it makes for an awkward read, which twists up the diction into a spongy mess, and I'm not sure what to do with 'corpuscular.' It's like wasabi mayonnaise to accompany your tangerines.

..u..../....u.........u..../......u..../.............u....../........../....
last autumn – a time untouched by one's years
spent fondly beneath tall oaks' shade and tears
...u......../.....u.........u....../.........u..../...u....u...../.....
blond sunshine and bark, nostalgia in warmth
from corpuscular rays through blue skies clear

knotted twisting woods form menageries
origami box, whose contents unseen,
..u...../.......u..../..........u....../...u.....u..u..../....
turn time to dust (spent ages undersea)
comes the blue-green gloam; swallows evergreens
before tides, they turn, aeons pass and fleet

../.u..u...../...u........../.........u........./...u......./
sodium vapour street-lamps' orange glow
u../...u......../......u........u..../......./..u....../
illumines footprints in fresh-fallen snow
and as night retreats to indigo space
ghosts of the reveries fade; day takes hold

there's just a few of the lines. see the inconsistency? you've got the number of syllables down per line, even if you sacrifice logic and language to achieve it (was it worth it?):

starts off with last autumn, blond sunshine says we're talking about daytime. and then the woods form menageries origami box. (menagerie's origami box? menageries. origami box?) where's the article? if it's the origami box doing the turning, shouldn't it be 'turns?' this whole section leaves me baffled, wondering what you mean and why it matters.

then, all of a sudden, the sea is turning to night, and then the street lights are illumining (I highly recommend tossing that word, in this context, into the bin). and then it's day again. what have we learned? why did we read this? aesop was simple: day light night light day light night light day - so day takes hold, and changes what?

this is a decent poem - more respectable for what it attempts than what it is. if I were you, I'd do a little research into techniques and tools you can use (meter, for example), figure out what comes naturally for you, and try this a hundred more times.


keep writing


p.s. sorry for the poor structure for emphases. you might take the whole poem and break it down syllable for syllable. you might discover treasure in that undersea gloam.



Yeah, as you could probably tell this was my first attempt at writing in iambic pentameter. I'm aware that some of the lines don't really follow the same stress pattern, but I plan on improving on that. Also, the origami box is a reference to the Japanese folk legend of Urashima Taro. I realise that the reference may have been a bit obscure though. As for the issues with logic, I'm starting to see that perhaps a lot of my stuff is too abstract to really have meaning. I mean, how far can you stretch a metaphor (such as the night/day, and seasons shenanigans) before it's too vague for someone to connect with? Maybe that's part of the issue here. Though to be fair, anyone willing to dig a bit deeper will find meaning (unless it's really that bad); it's just not a narrative. More of a feeling/concept vs. story sort of thing. Anyways, thanks for the crit. If there's a piece you want me to crit, I'd be happy to oblige.
Quote by Something_Vague
I.

Was it the cassandra root? or the branch,
the switch? of course not. As my lure was lolling
and the rod I've used was a tallied upon wood scrap-
"To the river," I said, gathered hot dogs, corn,
chicken Liver and in a hurl,
pitched them in the proud wade
they were like Trout, forever
Carp or another bothered Pisces. This last bit is kind of lost on me. So you throw the food into the water? Is the analogy to fish merely superficial, or does it mean something more that is simply lost on the reader?

Whether tied, whether waist or ankle deep The second whether is just unnecessary.
I poured some store bought circle hooks
onto the ground, worm sloth
slittered o'er to that Bitty's hole, past This and the next few lines are hard to find meaning in. Perhaps it's due to my lack of Southern culturing, but it just seems like an excuse to speak from a hick's perspective.
The Landing, near the lake round
cassandra's hand a raking grasp. I
aim to catch a Scale, a Wroth,
uh Ugly Whisker
uh Arrogant Tail. The complete change of syntax and dialect in this stanza is abrupt and confusing. You go from very thought out and literary in the previous stanza to Appalachia in just a few lines.

II.

Hookt jaw near Barn Moor,
a possible Shark or Spoonbill
out past Pabst Reef and by
Bugler's floating trash.
Possibly a body snagged;
with a hairlip fin dragging
green seagrass on her curled toes.
She shored,
gibbering with other bloated Pisces
now only a blush
no longer sucking air. I liked this stanza, since I think it was a lot more successful in the Southern department.
Also, it's the only stanza that has a clear sense of events (who/what is cassandra, and why do you only mention her/it twice? it only leaves me confused at this point.). Lastly, while I understand the purpose behind repeating "Pisces," I feel that the word's out of place in this piece. It just doesn't fit with the sort of dialect that is portrayed (in my opinion of course).
Quote by Something_Vague
-matthew.

PS. I didn't realize this was in meter, so I guess that's a bad thing.

Here's mine:

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1419726


Thanks man, it's really cool of you to take the time to dissect it like that. And I definitely see what you mean about some of the word choice . Also, I think a lot of impact could be lost on the reader if my references are too vague [like the origami box et al referring to urashima taro, and each season representing points in ones life; things like that] or if my delivery is inadequate. All in all, I think I have some work to do, but I'm not disappointed considering this was my first venture into meter, sonnets, and such.
Thanks guys, if you have any pieces you want crit on feel free to post a link. And the title was just random; I couldn't think of a good title.
Thanks man, it's nice to hear a good word now and again. I'm really quite proud of it at the moment, since it's the first time I've ever tried writing a sonnet, iambic pentameter, or even purposefully rhyming. It was actually a lot of fun.