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any tips?
The writing is good, the imagery is spot on. not sure how you're going to work out the 7 line verses, but other than that, highly impressive.
My only problem to point out is i dont quite get these lines
"But if I’m not careful, that twenty will turn into twenty four"
There's the line about 24 hours before this but nothing about 20 or what there are 20 of. not sure if you put that in there just to have added to the verse a bit or if you had a train of thought and lost it while writing another line.
fix that and this piece will be flawless in my opinion.
Check out some of my work?
Best of luck to you on your musical conquests!