Content
Thread
Forum
Date
5/10 ... She's got a very nice voice but i didn't understand a single word of what she was saying which isn't very appealing to my taste.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RuNBpffr87M

Keeping my music taste proudly South African with that one.
I hope all of you are prepared to see South Africa dominate the Samoans tomorrow! The Rugby World Cup is coming back to South African shores once again, just like in 2007 and 1995! Go BOKKE!

Yes, i know ... I'm proudly South African!
I really enjoyed this piece - its short,sweet and kind of pretty in way. I've got one or two crits but nothing major. You may want to look over some of your punctuation in a few places though, it sort of affects the flow when reading it.

Quote by Mr.Pink101
Angel, hold your head up.
I know it’s more convenient for you to look down
Seeing everyone beneath you,
until the rain falls again. I don't really understand this. Does the rain symbolise something?
Reflecting foggy rippled visions of what could be Great imagery!
Should be, perfect
The sun should shine for you, you don’t deserve the rain Very sweet line.
And hey, maybe, when the sun is shining again The punctuation threw me off a little bit here. It ruins the flow a bit, unless you were going for that effect.
You can tell me to hold my head up
Because secretly… Like the elipses here. Creates a little bit of suspense before giving the final thought of the poem which I like. It emphasises the point below.
My world’s upside down too.


Great piece man, nice work! Check out some of my stuff if you get the chance!
I have no idea what to make of this man? Don't get me wrong, it sounds good and impressive... but are you talking about a Dodo? I'm kind of puzzled ..
You have the problem I do when it comes to writing. You're keeping it too structured, sticking to a definite rhythm and so on. As a poem it reads kind of awkwardly, but as a song I'm sure you can make it work.

I like the way you deviated it a bit in the last stanza and strayed away from the rhyme scheme. It's definitely got potential.

Like some of them said above, don't always be too straightforward. Use a bit of imagery in it, gives the piece a little bit of spice. Gives it depth and so on.

Nice work though, keep writing. I can definitely imagine this being sung. Maybe a little acoustic number? Hope this helped. Check out my writing if you've got some time and let me know what you think. There's links in my sig.
This is what I got :

Quote by ANdrzK


Verse
I've heard this story a million times
and I've told it even more
It's nothing but teardrops and bloodlines
and scraped knees so sore The use of and here sounds kinda awkward. Try "that" or "they" maybe?

When you ask me the same question
"what is it all about?"
I always look for some kind of digression
while the light in your eyes burn out I'm not an English pro but something sounds awkward about this line. Maybe switching "while" to "watch" or saying "lights in your eyes" .. think it's more grammatically correct.

Chorus
Are you ever gonna learn
when enough is enough?
Well are you ever gonna learn? I don't know if I like the repetition here. May sound better when sung though. Possibly re-think this line.
You have to stop!

Verse
I've read through all your poetry
and none of it makes sense
They make it all seem hopelessly Hopeless maybe?
like love is your own expense

Chorus
Are you ever gonna learn
when enough is enough?
Well are you ever gonna learn?
You have to stop!


Not a bad piece man. It's definitely got potential, picked up a few little things you might want to have a look at. It doesn't tie up too great at the end, wasn't sure what to make of it at the end. And like Kenneth19 said, try use a little bit more imagery to make it a little more abstract. It'll definitely give the piece a little spice. Keep it up. and thanks for the crit on my piece by the way!
21wickwing - That question mark was a typing error. Didn't mean for it to be there so thanks for pointing that out.

HowIshotguitar? - What you're saying makes loads more sense. Changed "beneath" to "through" .. Does sounds better now I think of it.

Thanks so much you to. I'll do C4C anyone else who's interested in giving a crit, just post a link.
Nice work... I like the way you used the colours to describe her, totally agree with the crow thing demonsage mentioned. It's totally open to interpretation, from a girls perspective i wouldn't enjoy being compared to a crow .. But if you plan on playing it for her, she'd get it and I'm sure she'd appreciate the attention to detail you've put into it. So I guess from that point of view don't change a thing.

"Blue opens others to your soul
A million miles of open sea
Your eyes are all I can see
Amanda, Amanda"

^^ I like the comparison here. It creates quite a stunning image.

Overall really nice work. It's got a very different layout for a song, but that's not a bad thing. I enjoyed it. Would be really happy if a guy wrote something like this for me. Thanks for the Crit on my piece, you might enjoy the link to my other poem. It's in my sig Hope this helped.
When I can feel you from a million miles away;
10 delicate fingers on a single heartstring.
All yours
The puppet will do as you please,
Be my puppeteer.
We may move in time
Or
You may set me free.
. . .
You did.
Cut the ropes,
Let me fall - the pain of landing is no comparison;
The pain of love cuts deep.
Fragile.
My shattered heart didn't mend easy.
Steal the pieces, if you please.
I’m begging.
Love knows I don’t need them anymore – the heartless march in time
Footsteps?
No, that’s the sound of your heart moving on without mine.
You seep through the cracks,
Can you feel it too?
It’s no cliché.
Even after so long my senses burn like fire.
It’s sunshine for the senseless.
Thoughts sublime like dry ice.
From the ashes
A single thought resides in the smoke and mirrors.
I’m not sure if I know you anymore –
But I know I can still feel your beautiful soul.
Hermaphrodite pop?

Anal Intruder
This is just a little something I scribbled down in English class at school today. It's not my usual style so I'm looking for constructive criticism guys and girls. I'm still unsure of the title. This is C4C by the way, and there's links to my other pieces in my sig.

Your Promise Of Tomorrow

Like the warm ocean tide, you wash over me
And when you recede you take the bad with you
Leaving me refreshed
A blank canvas for the new day to take hold

Overpowering is your stare
And yet I do not double over in fear
But fall into your safety net; your promise of tomorrow
Where I will be the things I wish I was today

But when you're away I pray for summer rain
The kind that will wash away my every mistake
Warm my soul
And fill me with comfort in the promise of sunshine to come

On your long awaited love, I depend
I find peace, however temporary
You make me feel whole yet fill me with doubt
How do I move on when you're gone?

My future becomes your past
Make of it what you will
Banned because it will be here soon enough.
Not at all.

Hayley Williams cover of Bad Romance?
Banned because nobody uses tea pots these days.
Greek sea men ride the bottom of GbAdimDb5m7
Banned because you need help making tea.
Quote by Sticky Tissues

she becomes a story;
marked in pages
tucked away in sheets
feathers to adorn the covers
a place to return to at some point
but the plot has no holes
the line will unfold
leading others on
with myself reading in bed
another title in my hands//


^^ I really enjoyed this verse. Very clever.

Your imagery is awesome! You leave it really open ended, so the reader can interpret it however they wish. While reading it my thought about the message you were putting across constantly changed, which i like. Good job.

Could you give me a crit, there's a link in my sig. Thanks!
I don't know. To be honest, i really don't understand it. Is there some very well hidden message or are you just rambling?
Quote by skylerjames13

don't understand why,
why you cannot comprehend
that if you keep on doing this
we will all end up dead
I'm not sure if it's a typo but you repeated why.

you ruin the world that we live in,
by dumping all your filthy shit,
all over the ****in' place,
you cause all sorts of health problems,
killing children all over,
bring illness to everyone around
^^You use all way too many times in this verse. The repetition of all kills the flow a bit, taking out the first one so it goes "by dumping your filthy shit all over the place" would give it a better flow. You could then say "you cause health probems killing children all over". It'll flow way better."

wake up and realize!
If this is metal, I can imagine it being a scream. I don't know if you intended that but could sound pretty cool.

you pour chemicals into our water,
you blow smoke into our air,
you bury waste into our earth,
you destroy our only home

if this madness continues,
the next generation will not survive
they will die from the filthy air,
succumb to disease from the disgusting water,
mutate from the radioactive land
and it was you who defiled it all!

we all need to work together,
to undo the disaster we put upon ourselves
construct the land that we demolished
save the world so that it will hold us
for even more centuries to come,
so that we will not die out

you pour chemicals into our water,
you blow smoke into our air,
you bury waste into our earth,
you destroy our only home

we all need to open our eyes,
and fix the damage we caused
stop the pollution of our habitat,
so we may all live without harm
Try we've. I think it's more correct grammer ... I think.

We need to purify our water,
we need to filter our air,
we need to clean our earth
we need to re-build our home!
This verse contrasts very well with the "You pour chemicals into our water" verse and it's a good way to end it off. I like, i like.


It's cool. I like the whole "Save Our Earth" vibe, it's really relevant to our lives right now and it's a strong message. You chose a good title, suits the piece well. I'm just curious ... You keep talking about "you" - it's a bit unclear, who are you referring to? I marked in red the parts that I thought sounded a bit strange. But it's a good piece, you've been doing some sweet writing lately. Hope this helped!
Welcome to UG.
Banned because the Beatles are so damn awesome.
Derrick Whibley from Sum 41 comes to mind.
Banned because you broke your own TV remote.
I can't even begin to describe how much I loved this! I'm speechless .. A boy at my school took his life this week, he was the kind of guy nobody expected it from and someone everyone looked up to. I think we're all battling to come to term's with it and for me, I think this made me feel a bit better. So thanks a lot! I totally connected with it, it's an amazing poem and I hope you don't mind if I show it to a few people?

"Don't look for me
in graves or alters
don't call my name to stars above
My name now is simply 'love' "

^ Especially this part. It's stunning, keep writing.
It's pretty cool man, good job. Just a few things I picked up.
Quote by allaboutthelove

that its been a while
since I've felt this way
just the though of your smile
makes me feel, like I

could go mile after mile
with you by my side

^^ The part in red doesn't really flow to well if in spoken word. Maybe it will sound better sung though. The whole "smile makes me feel like I could go mile after mile" thing is also a bit cliche and unoriginal. But some people are into that so if that's the vibe you're going for then it's sweet.

Quote by allaboutthelove

So if you'll hand me the match
i'll spark this flame
just be yourself
and i'll do the same

I liked this last part though. It has a good flow and I thought it was a pretty cool idea, went well with the song and title. Hope I helped out a bit. Could you check out mine, it's called Disconnected. There's a link in my sig. Thanks man
Really sweet lyrics! I can also imagine a System of a Down sort of vibe, it would suit it well. What sort of sound are you going for?
Quote by Zach.E94

My mind is racing too fast
For my heart to ever catch
I've drank a pint of liquor
And had 3 packs of cigarettes

The only thing that I found weird was this part ^^ because you used a rhyme scheme the whole day through and this is the only part that doesn't rhyme .. unless you intended for it to be like that or you say cigarette's with an accent. I don't know

Otherwise it's great, don't change a thing. Good work, could you check out mine? There's a link in my sig. Thanks.
Quote by skylerjames13

my mind cringes when i see you
my body tells me to love
my mind tells me to run away
my body urges me to stay

^^ I really liked this part.

Totally agree with Vicious [S7VN], I can hear this playing in my head as I read it. It reminds me of something Bullet For My Valentine would do, I don't know if anyone agree's with me. But it's a really great piece, think a recording would be pretty cool. Well done man.
Banned because you decided to come back.
Banned because you enslaved innocent gecko's and forced them to be in you army. Cruel!
Elton John? .. kidding, you don't have a picture mate. That doesn't help.
This is pretty cool! I like that it's really real, you havn't used cliche's or over done descriptions. I'm pretty sure a lot of people can relate to it, you captured the feelings of the person very well ... I'm a bit lost with the title though, you might need to explain? Good job man!

Could you check out my poem? There's a link in my sig.
Seriously, this is really awesome! I wouldn't change a thing I'm not good with the technical stuff so you might want a second opinion. But good work man, I really like it and I'd love to hear it sung with music. The message is excellent!
5/10. I don't get it.
Put a link in your sig to this page, maybe a few people who hang out in the other sections will crit you.
Judging by the sig, seems pretty hostile.
I really liked this. It's got a different sort of flow, the repetition of "she" is a bit much though? "As the stared at the skyline of her new city" ... If you wanted to get rid of a few she's you could stay "Staring at the skyline"? Just an idea! But other than that, don't change a thing ... If it's lyrics, I'd like to hear more.

Could you check & crit out my poem "Disconnected" ... There's a link in my sig! Hope i helped!
You think vampires don't sparkle, that's awesome.
You're cool, seeing as you're a superhero and all.