Quote by FreeManson15
still needs another verse

I've thrown in a few of my own takes in blue. I don't know if you'd want to make the changes, but I thought it might help.

All my pictures fade to black
My thoughts of you fade to black
who would of thought
I always thought
you weren't coming back
That you'd be coming back
all the lies
I told myself
are all coming back to
drag me to hell
I've tried to come up with something to address the lines above, but I'm hitting a roadblock. I have an idea, but need more time to work it out.

You got the devil's arms
wrapped 'round you tight
and your lips pressed against his with all your might
just a simple walk down down down to the stairs
who would have known I'd find this there

Maybe work something like this into your chorus or possibly as a starting point for another verse. Again, just my take, but I hope it helps.
It was myself that I deceived
The lies that only I believed

Chrous: I was only fooling myself
I was only fooling myself
I was only fooling myself
I was only fooling myself

I think you have a good theme but the flow is a little choppy at times. But you have a foundation to work with & expand from. Overall I like it, because I could see myself writing something similar. It's tough avoiding cliches, but if you place them properly, they will work. Good luck!
Sorry for the lateness of my reply. Thanks for the critiques guys & I was more than happy to critique the both of yours. I just hope I was able to help out or lend any insight.

i'm not sure what you had planned for it I've come to the conclusion it'll definitely have to fall into some kind of country genre. It seems anything I write steers into that direction, although I hardly listen to the stuff. I've come up with a basic rhythm of C-G-D or possibly C-Em-D-Em...I still want to have a bluesy effect to it, yet have an uptempo feel.

The only thing that i would suggest is changing the line about life being a run away train just cause it sounds a bit cliche to me but it does go well if the flow of the song.
That's the one big drawback I have is it does come across as cliche', but I'm having a tough time avoiding it in there.
I thought about something like
"My life seems to be falling apart
And it's slipping through the cracks"
But it throws the rest of the entire song off. Writer's block? Who knows?
I think you have a good theme & could probably use a little polishing. GSD has some good recommendations, so consider those. I agree with him 100% on your ending. Perfect!
I think the chorus is ok; it focuses on your feelings & how they're different from the world around you. Maybe change the line:
everybody seems so rout-ine-ly
Everyone else seems so rout-ine-ly
But that's just my take.

For being only 16, I think you did a pretty good job. Normally it's a lot of rebellion, anarchy or teenage angst which a lot of my own stuff reflected when I was that age. Yours shows some thought even if it was written in a short amount of time.

If you get a chance, check this out & tell what you think. Thanks!
I think you've got something pretty solid here; flow & theme are good. I like the bridge inserted in there as well. For a fade out after the last chorus, I would take part of the second verse & use it like this:

You're an angel to me
I'd give my life to you
but all I can do
is sing you to sleep

But that's just me. Is there a particular song or artist that helped inspire you by chance?

If you get a chance check out this one I posted. Thanks!
Thanks for the critique. I was hesitant about adding the "second" chorus, but thought it might be a good way to break into the end of the song.
If you have any lyrics posted let me know & I'll check them out.
I agree with Beatle Mania that you're onto something here. It requires fine tuning, but you have a good theme to go with.
With the line "She leaves me with a tan" try something like "But she leaves me stranded"; I think it plays better with "Neck deep in the quicksand".
Keep pressing on!

If you get a chance check this one out I posted.
Overall I think this is good. It flows well & the meaning is clear.
I thought about suggesting a change or two, but I don't think it would significantly improve on your writing. I say keep pressing on.

If you get a chance check this one out I posted.
This looks really good. I agree with Korn23 about the chords...I did it that way also & it played out well. Again this is just our take on it.
Keep pressing on!
A little info about the song: I wrote the basics of it back in 1985 after a nasty breakup, which made me reflect on some previous relationships I'd had with other women & my party-all-the-time attitude.
I rediscovered this in a composition book packed in a box I found after clearing out my mom's house when we put it up for sale a few years ago. Much of what I'd written was typical rebellious hell-raising or teenage angst crap so I chucked them. This one seemed to have more potential, so I began polishing it up recently.
I'm not sure what genre this would fit, but it seems more appropriate for Country Blues or Alternative Country. Listening to Neko Case's "Hold On Hold On" gave me some inspiration for flow not to mention getting back into the original mindset.
I know it needs more work, so if you see something that would prove helpful, please let me know.
If you haven't fallen asleep by now, here it is!

I watch as the time keeps turning
My desire keeps on burning
But I’ll die before confessing
It’s my heart that’s always yearning

One girl said I was a dreamer
Another called me a schemer
One tried to save me from myself
While others wish I’d burn in hell
Others wishing I’d burn in hell

I’m always running down the road
I doubt I’ll be coming back
Racing like a runaway train,
That’s just about to jump the track

Leaving well before I should have
As they’d start to unleash their wrath
Cursing me while I walked away
To go wander down the wrong path

No mem’ry of the night before
How did I manage to survive?
My head’s pounding, body’s aching
But I thank God I’m still alive
Yeah I thank God I’m still alive


I’m always running down the road
I doubt I’ll be coming back
Racing like a runaway train
That’s just about to jump the track

I’ll always run down the road
And I’m never coming back
My life’s just a runaway train
That’s already jumped the track

(Solo in the background)
It’s always a new place, a new face
Then running down the road

Repeat then fade:
I’m never coming back
I really like this. I listened to the audio on your profile & even though it's a rough demo, I think you're on the right track.

In particular the chorus:
I see brighter with the lights off,
it's clearer through closed eyes.
I'm fast asleep and wide awake.
My mind's in overdrive and going nowhere.

Reminds me of how I've used contradiction or irony in some of my own writing. I'm still experimenting with some old lyrics I found that I'd written while in college & the military(think early & mid 80s! LOL). I may post one I'd written after a nasty break up in 1985 that I've polished a bit. And I know exactly what you mean about "teenage angst" coming through too much. Ok, enough digressing about me.

It seems like the song flows well enough. It also appears you've allowed a little free form such as adding the extra lyrics in the chorus later on. It's tight without being formal, if that makes any sense.
I agree with the other posters about genre: That it could be adapted to several adds that much more strength to it. Keep pressing on!
Quote by Sloopy

What era of the Stones is your favourite? Be it record-wise, touring-wise, looks-wise, whatever.

For me it's the post-Brian Jones pre-Ronnie Wood era musically, like 1969 - 1974. But I really like the current line-up performance wise.

I like everything the Stones have done, but my favorite era is with Brian Jones in the lineup. The guy could be a major league A-hole, however with his eclectic tastes, he brought a different dimension to their music. For instance, without the sitar in "Paint It Black", the song completely loses its menacing & foreboding tone. I'm sure you know about the recorder on "Ruby Tuesday", Mellotron on "2000 Light Years from Home" & "Citadel", etc.
Even though he & Keith had a big falling out, Keith paid Brian the compliment of being a terrific interpreter(I believe it was in a '72 interview). In other words, taking the songs Jagger/Richards wrote & expanding on them. Mick Taylor & Ron Wood are far superior guitar players, but Jones appeared to have more direct influence on the music than they did. Well, until paranoia/alcohol/drugs/Pallenberg finally took their toll & he was tossed out.
Cripes! I didn't mean to write a novel there. LOL Eh, just my two cents worth.