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Let me know what you think, this is written for a special girl I know


Verse 1:

I hear your voice in the silence
see your face when i close my eyes
i see this everyday

im so confused
dont know what to do
all i can think of is you

Chorus:

Should i just call you sometime
and ask if you can be mine
what would you say

i don't want to put myself
in harms-way
hopefully we can fly away


Verse 2:

When i'm feeling down
sick of being pushed around
i just sit and think of you

everything seems to go right through
then i know what i need to do
to end up with you*
Chorus:

Should i just call you sometime
and ask if you can be mine
what would you say

i don't want to put myself
in harms-way
hopefully we can fly away

Verse 3:

Guess now i got to move on
some other guy is now with you
guess i got to stop hearing your voice


But i don't want to move on
don't want to leave you behind
i want you to be the girl they call mine


Chorus:

Should i just call you sometime
and ask if you can be mine
what would you say

i don't want to put myself
in harms-way
hopefully we can fly away

Verse 4:

I guess i can just dream
dream, hope, fight and pray
not much more to do

i dont want to forget you
i keep picturing me and you
me and you

Chorus:

Should i just call you sometime
and ask if you can be mine
what would you say

i don't want to put myself
in harms-way
hopefully we can fly away
great i like it, well done
i like it good work

C4C!
good song, i like it. C4C
i this you should do the Chorus 2 apart from that great work so far
ok, np thanks for the crit mate
great writing, really like this song


C4C??
Good Work Bro, I Like It
Quote by skateordie24f
To be honest I, I really liked that. Lots of emotion.


Thanks Mate
Quote by bassbeat77
None of these comments really qualify as constructive criticism and are pretty much pointless. Keep these kinds of comments to yourself.


thanks man
this is played softly on a acoustic. i wrote the first verse after a friend got cheated on but didn't get told by the boy-friend. i just started writing and this is what came out.


I see a sad girl siting
with her head in her hands
his saying its alright
please just try to understand

he says its not your fault
you did everything right
its something with me
not you

Why do they keep it a secret
its so clear they've been seeing someone else
why don’t they just tell them
rather than breaking their now broken heart

got on the bus, there sits another girl
doing the same thing as I saw before
I asked what was wrong
she just started crying, and I knew

Why do they keep it a secret
its so clear they've been seeing someone else
why don’t they just tell them
rather than breaking their now broken heart

SOLO


I looked outside, of my lonesome home
right out onto the street
there sits a boy holding a photo
of his now ex-girlfriend

Why do they keep it a secret
its so clear they've been seeing someone else
why don’t they just tell them
rather than breaking their now broken heart
their now broken heart (REPEAT AND FADE OUT)
for song title ? " Please Take My Love "
Great i love this, really draws the picture know what i mean?>
Quote by Firstnamesmusic
just tell me what you think

verse 1

Brown hair girl sits in the corner while the music plays
she stands up begins to dance, suddenly she's beautiful
i sit down across the room slowly sipping my drink
stand up to see her, suddenly i'm beautiful


This is good, like these

Quote by Firstnamesmusic

Chorus:

music man don't stop playing lest she might sit down
please dont stop making that, that beautiful sound
music man give me courage with the flow of every note
because i want to be like her, so beautiful



perfect but if this song is on acoustic and slow i think make this line: "please dont stop making that, that beautiful sound" change it to " please dont stop making that, that beautiful beautiful sound "

Quote by Firstnamesmusic

Verse 2:

Through dancing figures that girl's smile lights up the room
and it finds its way to me, so beautiful
How i envy her carelessly dancing on the floor
o how i want to be, so beautiful



Good nice verse

Quote by Firstnamesmusic

Chorus

music man don't stop playing lest she might sit down
please dont stop making that, that beautiful sound
music man give me courage with the flow of every note
because i want to be like her, so beautiful



Quote by Firstnamesmusic

Verse 3:

With people gone she's still spinning, while the music still plays
as i keep watching her dance, still beautiful
I look up to see her walking to me and she says
what you doing sitting down you're beautiful



brilliant finish love it!! last verse is brilliant

Quote by Firstnamesmusic

Chorus:

Music man dont stop playing lest we might sit down
please dont stop making that, that beautiful sound
music man give us courage with the flow of every note
because we are just like her, so beautiful, we're beautiful

(repeat chorus)


again with chorus, i think just change that one thing than perfect
this is good, but as said before by others, it is unfinished apart from that brilliant
i like this song, for some reason reading these lyrics on my head, i can hear a sort of " The Script " sounding music, don't know why lolz. well done
this song is about a girl who i have been crazy about for months, we finally went out, after a week i broke up with her becuase the feeling just wasn't there, and she was mad at me so i needed to say sorry in someway. this was the result
got work, i like it
good work i like this them songs are always the best. nice slow verse with a kick-ass loud chorus
this is about a girl who i like but she has just started going out with my mate. so i just wrote this song to express myself
wrote this pretty quickly though was bored and pissed off one day, so whilst listening to some older punk-rock i played around on my guitar :P
can't think of what word to use though any suggestions?
Quote by DreamCatchMe
Thanks for the feedback. Donvalley, it is played nice and slow with the acoustic has some open harmonizing chords too. I'm gonna try and make a vid of it this weekend and I'll post the link.


can't wait mate
Quote by ChucklesMginty
The amount of syllables in each line is very off, so there's not much of a flow.


when you play it on guitar though, the words spread out with the melody. That makes the flow come back
i love these lyrics, its ture you can only right good lyrics, if they are based on something true, something that has happened. thanks so much for sharing with us
Quote by romanqwerty
For a first song its a decent effort. The main problem is that this subject has been done a million times by every guy and his dog. Its hard to get past the "ohh i've heard this all before" effect that these types of songs have on a listener. I'm not sure that this piece does that.

This verse was good.


The first two lines are nice, but the last "cause" sounds off. I'm not quite sure what that line is supposed to mean, it seems to just be there to rhyme.


Again, first two lines of the chorus are nice however the last line lets it down.


This verse really sinks the song back into "cliche breakup song". Life and unfair are too cliche to use in the same sentence. Then rhyming it with care doesn't help your prospects.

Overall, its a decent effort. Most of the rhymes sound very forced though. Not all of the lines have to rhyme perfectly.


note taken will do some more changes soon
ok no worrys, will do thanks
Quote by crazysam23_Atax
Very good rhyming overall. Simple lyrics, but good. It conveys to me a very sorta light, almost celebratory air. Sorta like Led Zeppelin's "The Song Remains the Same".

If I might make a suggestion though, these 2 lines below:

I wouldn't repeat the word' day' at the end of both lines. Unless you did it for a definite reason, like placing a strong emphasis on 'day' & purposely reflecting that emphasis with the vocal harmony. (i. e. When the singer hits the word 'day', his/her vocal line goes up or down, like from a C to a D or a D to a C.) If it's not your intent to emphasize that word, I'd change it.


what should i change it to ?
this is a great song, its one of them songs, i can picture this on a acoustic being played nice and slowly fantastic
Quote by SLD.Potato
Do you want the honest truth?

A song like this has been written 10,000 times before.


well this is my version of this, written about my life.
i love these few lines

There, a couple at a table
sits in quiet, unintended,
cutting cutlets in the silence
of words that should be painted
in the air.
fantastic i love it
i like it, not sure what to add for ending, what ever it will be it will sound good i am sure of it
Woke up this morning
opened the blinds
got the sleep out of my eyes
took one look outside
noticed the sun had failed to rise

I ran outside
noticed the rivers have all run dry
the city's fade
they're turning to gray
we've found the price to pay

There nothing in the way
nothing to make us stay
the light is black
it's the final call
there ain't gonna be another day
this is the last and final day

the suns gone out
it's like someone just blew it out
we're unaware
we're lead astray
the light keeps fading away

(Guitar Break/Solo)

Where would you go
what would you do
would you belive me
if i told you

There nothing in the way
nothing to make us stay
the light is black
it's the final call
there ain't gonna be another day
this is the last and final day (Repeat With Fade out)

(End Guitar Solo, Fade Out)
Verse 1:

I hear your voice in the silence
see your face when i close my eyes
i see this everyday
even when i am so far away
this isn't a complaint i'm just telling you
just a little song to let you know

Chorus:

Should i just call you sometime
and ask if you can be mine
but what would you say
i don't want to put myself in harms-way
hopefully we can fly away
fly away

Verse 2:

When i'm feeling down
after a day of being pushed around
i just sit and think of you
everything seems to go right through
then i know what to do

Chorus:

Should i just call you sometime
and ask if you can be mine
but what would you say
i don't want to put myself in harms-way
hopefully we can fly away
fly away

Verse 3:

Guess now i got to move on
some other guy is now with you
guess i got to stop seeing your face
and hearing your voice in the silence

Bridge:

But i don't want to move on
don't want to leave you behind
i want you to be the girl they call mine
so i can talk about you all the time

Chorus:

Should i just call you sometime
and ask if you can be mine
but what would you say
i don't want to put myself in harms-way
hopefully we can fly away
fly away

Verse 4:

I guess i can just dream
dream, hope, fight and pray
not much more to do
than just keep picturing me and you
me and you (repeat - fade out)
Updated !! Check Up Top!
Quote by DreamCatchMe
As easy as it is to rhyme, It's extremely difficult to make it sound good and have a nice flow. I liked the intro, well the fact that it starts out by giving a background inside of a present reference. I guess the best crit I can give is to extend on the versus's. maybe add one inbetween the first and second, giving a little transition.
Congrats on the first piece!


so add another line in the verses?
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i love this line

Is this news really that new?


i don't know why lol, i just do