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alright send me a PM
again im 20. where are you from
says NY where in NY?
c4c. Thanks


With frantic hands waving
Shouting silent commands,
I wondered how it came to be.
I knew what was what early on,
to always be looking ahead and
only glance over your shoulders but
I think when I first met my sub half
who was always there, lurking in the back
I was stoned, drunk and overly impressed
at how he never wasted anything
always did what he pleased and
acted on his own logical reasoning,
so when he asked to take the wheel
A light bulb went off and must have blew
as I willingly sawed off my legs and
cemented myself in my passengers seat.
Only after years of window gazing
did I realize I gave my keys to the half
who's a deaf and drunken insomniatic failed mad scientist.
Every so often he'll notice my flailing hands
to have the realization that he is not alone,
It's these rare moments that feed my hope
that he may sieze his forgotten realization,
but after a second of bewildered thought
he gives up trying to understand,
and throws it from overdrive to furtherdrive.
I guess it is my own fault but,
why is there a passengers seat
firmly bolted to the floor of my mind anyway?
Im 20 years. I actually live in walker valley/pine bush. Though I work overnights in fishkill just over the beacon bridge. Maybe we could meet in the afternoon out your way before I have work. Ive only been playing a little over a year but been playing steady. I can keep a good rythm or play lead, but only been playing slide as of late. I know a little music theory but am forgetting it, I've go tmy own way of playing in any key anwheres on the fret board thanks to planetalk which is not only better IMO but significantly better for improv which is what I want to excel at. As for music im a classic rock advocate, though I CAN listen to almost anything. the Allman brothers gave me the idea to pick up and play but a few favs of mine are: ABB, floyd, doobie brothers, to satriani, vai, boston etc. etc.
hey man, everything sounds great but your location. I think your accross the river a bit from me. Im around the pine bush, montgomery, middletown area. if its not to far from you I guess itd be worth the trip
where are you from renk?

I need people around the middletown area.
It was a good piece and read. THough by the end of the first stanza I had a gut feeling it wasnt gonna be a lovey dovey honeymoon. Still the rest of it had good images and emotion while still maintaing a little taste of wonder. good stuff, not your best, but enjoyable. Didn't find any real mistakes, you always seem to have that covered quite well.
Ill have to agree with kdownes. I liked the puddles one better, this one seemed transparent.
Reading it I can't find anything "wrong" with it, sorry for no help as usual. It had paintaings with meaningful colors but I dont know, maybe you need a different brush.
wow. just gonna say this was great, very real.

"I want to create to the point I start to exist ; I've got life goals and a death wish but can you tell which is which? I just can't, reader, I just can't."
Quote by kdownes
Haven't been writing much lately on acount of the fact that i'm working hard (read as rather lazily) on a novel (read as mabe half decent story). But here's a new song. I like it, maybe you will. C4C and the like. Think Counting Crows, if Adam Duritz was me and had three hands and a rather large nose. Diggit dawg?


The Sound of One Hand Clapping

Feels like I’m lying on a bed of nails
I can feel it stabbing at my spine
as he grabs your arm and I see you shiver
I start to sweat
as you look into his eyes, and you don’t even see me
I start wonder if I’m dreaming (reword this line)
But then I do not wake up screaming

And I can’t sleep tonight
but it doesn’t matter, it doesn’t matter
no I can’t sleep tonight
I’ll dream of you, I’ll dream of us
I’ll dream of anything that made me smile
and times that seemed to last forever
but now I know

this bit was okay nothing stands out though

Stretch me out inside my coffin
shut the lid and seal it tight
I don’t need air to breathe
you took that all away
and he takes your hand and I watch you shiver
I start to die
as you look into his eyes and there’s only him
and I start to scream

not a fan of this part either.

chorus

I am just the sound of one hand clapping
clap your hands, oh no
I am just the sound of one hand clapping
don’t understand me I am
the fall of everything, the king of nowhere
the emptiness between the beat of your heart and his
but now I’m crying, but now I’m dying
you take his hands I see you shiver
I’m starting to sweat but you don’t care

again, I see it but idk. nothing special

chorus



Reading this was a let down for me honestly. I'm usually impressed by at least something in everything youve posted and ive read but this seems to be missing, well almost everything. Did you sit down and force yourself to write this? cause I get that impression. maybe its just me though, probably is. either way I know you can write well though this only hints at it.

if you could: https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1056653
and please, be harsh as possible.
c4c. Thanks


I’ve stood neck deep in muck before
But this time I had had enough.
So I ran to the phone on the wall
dialing the number below 911, G.O.D
as I heard silence I began to drum
the sounds of a typical beat;
come on, come on
come on, come on
come on, come on, come on
come on, come on
come on, come on
come on, come on, come on,
and then it started to ring,
HA! I said, and quit drumming
for my ears had other means now.
I must have sat and stood up
at least four times a minute,
brimming with anticipation, then
my mind turned sharp to a side road
and began sketching who would answer;
a fat god, a shaggy god, a mutant god,
a furry god, or maybe a family of gods,
then it hit me. I probably cant even speak god.
DUH! I said aloud. god can speak american.
RING, RING, RING! RING, RING, RING!
and I assumed it was still ringing.
Maybe he’s on the shi.tter I thought,
but you'd think he'd have a phone there too right?
of course, He's probably hunting down the wireless.
I sat on the kitchen counter to wait but heard
faint sounds of boot stompin yee haw music
seeping out of the living room radio
reminding me of how I hated it, but
now only realizing that when you can
listen, tolerate and like country music
that you've actually felt real love.
RING, RING, RING! RING, RING, RING!
CLICK, I hung up, and walked away asking
was there even an answering service?
this deserves to be read more so,

1st line last stanza. burnig = burning?

wish I could offer more help. the second =to last stanza threw me off a little bit, but Im probably just missing something. and I really liked the last two lines, summed it all up pretty well.
Thanks. revised.
Quote by kdownes
NEW VERSION:

autumn’s ashes

“my dear love”
not one prone to exaggeration
I read each of her words
as a pure and beautiful truth
“if you are reading this
I am dead”

I crumpled up the note
and threw it into the fire
watching it dance and curl
as the cleansing flame
removed her words from the earth

read the old first, and the correction of the third to last line was already made and is muhc better. Thouhg the last line is the same, I feel its uneeded, the three lines before it already say this. just "into the fire" says it.

I watch the ashes carried up the chimney
only to be caught up in winter’s barren breath (would remove "up" in this line)
and dragged into the decay of autumn (didnt like the carried to dragged, seems likeopposing images)
I wonder if God is watching,
and remembering, as I am,
a night not unlike this,
when the first of the flames caressed
here soft skin (here?)
and wiped the last of the tears
from her eyes.
(you can do better for an ending)


Overall it was a good improvement from the old to new, and a quick enjoyable read with some nice images that does make it feel like the cold end of autumn. I dont think Ive ever posted on any of your works but I have been reading them all a few months now so I must say this is far from your strongest. had to do this quick, I leave work here at 6. hope that helped and thanks for your suggestions on mine, they are appreciated.
c4c thanks


I frequently slip, into useless memories
any one of the many washed out days;
Your average Joe, with a handful of friends
and another of change but,
spending like a practiced hobo
who caught some leprechauns
knowingly only having a week left
before his fully empty funeral,
and drifting through every days’ lesson
day dreaming of wild love sessions
here, there, even freely on air
with a sun bright beauty
that made all the cool guys
fall faster than lumbered trees
begging please like a dog for treats.
Years later I keep having flashbacks
of my old dreams of wants and needs
all coming to be, and all so easily
only to come to-
and grin almost wanting to shout.
Those days could pass in a minute
as I would yawn, wait and twiddle
my thumbs for my certain nothing
to slowly roll down my dirt road,
but man if I knew then what I know now,
I wouldn’t have felt so damn dim
hopelessly staring at that beauty
pretending she didn’t see, she didn’t know.
The thought of walking the halls alone, half stoned
running the mental track passing the thoughts
of her thoughts, her happiness, her family;
yes it’s these miniscule memories I love
cause I'm not sure what I would of done
if I had known then, that years later
that very beauty would be talking to her parents
about living, loving and marrying that poor red head
that kept drooling over her at the back of class.
I wish you felt how I feel,
to be dealt my only deal
and gamble lung and limb
in one game for the rights
over ownership of heaven,
at a large table of players
all in, and all in- and
while I’m spinnin two sticks
my ears catch a rhythm
of a flick, flick, flick, fire.
Each was tried, judged, acquitted
and now sit here as so called
“EX Cheaters” but
knowing they cheat like wearing three feet
I know how to defeat, a mindless deceit-
give em a reason to re-think and let sink
by flippin the table and taking to the street
givin em more time, with no teeth to eat,
while I lay in heaven, underneath her sheets.
Though I enjoyed the read, I felt like something was missing start to end, almost to straight forward. It had all the needs and structure I guess but I think its lacking that flavor your past pieces were full of. Wish I could be more help but figured it was worth a bump.
yeah I had a small understanding of what was going about halfway through but then (like the others) got lost in what exactly was happening. Everything sounded good with some great imagery but I didnt know the real center piece untill you explained a little bit in the above post. I dont know if it made it better, was still incredible but it just makes it all click with smoother gears. Anyway great piece.
I enjoyed everything about this poem except the third line. Maybe a comma after so before Quite? Something about it stopped me dead as if I skipped an important word somewhere. But thats my only problem I see here. Great work.
hmmm, I live in pine bush, kind of a drive but I like your style as it falls in with mine.
I was really enjoying this piece till that last part. Not sure what it is I Liked the essence but something is just off about it. the repetition of "us" is wierd but im not sure that is the main problem. a re-write of the last and it would be as great as the rest of it
OTS. I'm not sure if this sends mixed signals or a signal at all. c4c thanks


Poured into my empty arms
sloshing and oozing about
until concrete you had become
settling flawlessly in place,
exposing evidence to legend
that you were once in fact
the heart of the rarest quarry
of beloved brownish muck
dug out with golden shovels
from the wild lands of heaven,
and unintentionally dropped
free falling for light years
engulfing all in your course
creating a solar system of stars
spaced out across your face,
forming equilateral triangles
each a natural certificate
of perfection, and authenticity.
Holding more then asked for, I ask;
how to hide Gods own prized gem
from his piercing drenched eyes
as he methodically searches through
every insignificant colored sky.
nice work. you said this was experimental but I could still feel your style blowing through the crack of the door. as usual I have nothing productive to say for you but it was a very pleasing read so thank you.
wow. I was just starting to walk away when you shot me down. great work
really great piece. well deserved congrats.
AH! you again, in pine bush now? youve probably drove past my house on RT52 between pine bush and ellenville. too bad im no singer nor have the same influences but I'd love to just jam and take whatever lessons i could get from you, but im sure thats not what your here for. but good luck anyway!
wrote this one this morning after some cheerios. c4c


Arriving home ten hours after leaving for work,
I sit to eat a bowl of cereal and slip into a memory.
One of the millions of childhood memories you strangely
remember, from a time never thought about by yourself.
Raising my spoon observing a cheerio scale the wall,
I fly through the window of my old “Red Ranger” house
(as my sister would later name it) into my younger eyes
where I sat across a stale like yellow table, from my father.
We were both enjoying large bowls of cheerios when I noticed
his cereal eating pattern which seemed interestingly obsessive.
With every spoonful carried out there was always a straggler
or two desperately climbing for safety, and with every return
of his silver weapon he would knock each one down like they
were all wild bears bound to break out and tear him apart.
Some would climb up and he couldn’t have another bite until
managing to smack each one, no matter how many times he clumsily missed.
I clearly remember the obsession being laughable yet bordering crazy,
yet only a vague vision of the bowl, cereal, spoon, hand and forearm.
I realize now I’ve long been at war against cereal with every bowl of
my own since I was that wet moldable clay before hastily drying out.
I wish I could say this was the only time I really thought about my father,
Because I have to say it is the only time I can remember him-
or rather his arm.
Just gonna say great piece. very captivating, I loved everything about it.
I really enjoyed the first two stanzas, Great imagery and feeling everyone should be able to familiarize themselves with, and a hint of character background. The last stanze took me an extra 2 reads before I understood what you were saying but I enjoy that and it was a powerful end still weaved with nice images. Overall not a mind blowing "wow!" read, but certainly a very well painted and constructed work enjoyable to read and re-read
first glance seemd long and I was reluctant to read it but I did. Shortl after starting I became engaged and read it through twice. I'm not one good with grammar or anything so as for corrections I can make none. reading it the second time I looked for what could be erases to save paper but again I have nothing, every piece tastes as good as the rest of the cake. Sorry I have no real input for you except that it told a great story in a unique way that I really enjoyed and was easy to follow and connect with. nice work, congrats.
It was a good idea but it lacked a true creative touch. The flow seemed a little off
and had predictable rhyming. Though words come different sung instead of read.
Thank you both, will comment your pieces.

ginganinja (ha im a red head) - made your corrections thanks much but supergirl?
yes she is super but I thought everyone moved in there sleep, I know we do,
I act on more subconcious notioins then contious ones I believe. I'm always zoned out.
so I'm gonna leave that part but I like my motives to be questioned, thanks again
A great read with vivid images that kept me interested throughout and unsure of what was being said overall (which I enjoy) untill the end. I loved the ties with todays debated topics and the little haha's but Id have to agree with the above, the very last line should be reworded, or just the last word, I didnt like thang at all. it was like a fart at the end of a beautiful accoustic solo. Overall I really enjoyed it as usual.

a word on "that leaf" if possible.
started wririntg this while driving into work. I actually like this one,
criticism appreciated thanks. c4c

Sometime september hiking through the forest
I was smoking a bowl admiring nature for her
colors and wonder-
she truly is trippy.
Watching trees sway, shaking loose leaves
which grab the wind for the most exciting
time of their lives-
as the free things are.
I noticed a rainbow colored leaf the size of
a large hand, fully intact and taking its own
ride on lifes thriling unkown surprise when, I
knew it was a gods' most time consumnig creation.
Asking myself if this was real I pinched my arm
then punched my gut because I'm a double checker.
Lungs reaching out grasping for air it hit me-
this is it, THAT leaf, is it.
Instilled with patience and timing is everything,
as I very well am, I watched that leaf and waited;
yeah I waited for the right time, right place, yes
I waited for the wind to deliver upon me THAT leaf-
Chances seem good, only me staying.
steady and still I focuse on that leaf as it
gluided down, rose up, flipped around and got stuck
in the branches of another tree-
well ****, thats more like my luck.
Fortunately my bowl passed time as I obssesed
over that leaf struggling to break free, and
believe me I was there when it caught the breeze.
Jumping to my feet I glared as it gently brushed
the ground, skipping around like stones skip a pond.
Shortly it stopped as fate layed it resting spot;
Come on! Come on! Come to me! I screamed, but nothing-
Knew it was too good to be true.
Trecking back miles frowning upon destiny, I told myself;
fate- destiny- they arn't anything.
Feet haulting like the stop to a fall I said it aloud;
fate and destiny are nothing, truly nothing.
With the words still being mouthed, I found I was
already half way back into the forest, now moving the
earth with each step, I soon spotted a seemingly familiar area
and froze solid like death on ice to scower the perimiter-
It is a leaf. I can just pick it up.
Angry with myself for doing nothing but getting high
and counting time, when I could of made her mine-
It's me leaf! I called and called, but nothing.
A shiny prick, in stacks of wheat sticks I could find, but
THAT one leaf, end of fall, among them all? well-
I would list what I've lost, but one of which was my mind.
I feel like this is missing something obvious- (besdies title) any help? c4c thanks


A heavenly spotlight piercing through my window
frames an angel's face sharing my pillow, with
eyes that draw all in, even when they are closed
with power like a pair of starving black holes.
Laying beside her feeling natural as earth to stone
Still sleeping she forces her hand underneath my face
and gently began rubbing her feet against my own,
causing her breathing to soften to a safe like pace.
Feeling I needed another inch to complete this mile
I bridged our gap building a nose to nose connection
and studied her entirely, as my lips grew a smile
for her only fault had been corrected with perfection.
like the rock once thrown onto ice to test how thin
I was left without an option, I was going to fall in,
Seeming all too familiar I started prayin and hopin
she is not another dream when my lids dare to open
wow. I just want to say I've really enjoyed the works of pure art Ive been reading from you. Congrats man, you have what ever it is that we all want.
Quote by Mlnwd
My mom was diagnosed with breast cancer not too long ago and has just got out of surgery, she has some more surgery to go and this has been a tough time for our family, so I wrote this song for her.

Take everything I am
All of my hopes and dreams
And hang them by a drawstring
That’s exactly what I’m feeling
For you are down but not out
But if you were I know
I’d be lost in the moment
No place left for me to go
first four lines are good openers the last lack the spark.

You are the bridge that connects me
To all of my surroundings
And the day you close, god only knows
How I’ll face my fear of drowning
In myself
the bridge idea is kinda cliche but you made it work

If music is my life
And you bought me my first guitar
Words cannot express my gratitude
I’ll let the melody speak my heart
You are the one hit wonder
On my album full of bores
Girls may come and go
But you, I’ll always adore
I like the idea but need to express it better.

You are the bridge that connects me
To all of my surroundings
And the day you close, god only knows
How I’ll face my fear of drowning
In this doubt

The day that you step down
Is the day I must step up
I don’t think I’m ready
I just want to grow up
Didnt like this. the last two lines dont add up for me

You are the bridge that connects me
To all of my surroundings
And the day you close, god only knows
How I’ll face my fear of drowning
In myself
In this doubt
In your memory
liked the idea of changing the chorus but needs a bigger punch



Overall I liked the theme of the piece and some of the lines, but
the flow and imagery of the piece is very rocky and needs smoothing.
Thanks for the crit.
Thanks man appreciate it. Though I'm still not sure it reads or sounds like a song.

Iwill try to find your piece to crit.
OTS last hour of work. cheers c4c thanks


Another wide eyed, short minded kinda fella
wildly sprinting the track to stay ahead a lap.
Nice weather, still you teather an umbrella
incase a tree loses it's dew or drops of sap.
What will you do when there's a meteor shower?

Carefully calculating to skip asked questions
you proceed slowly with only safety intentions
without considering what others have mentioned,
you crawl in fear of even the sun's attentinon.

With precise cautions like solving equations
miles long with one pencil and no sharpener,
you over plan, re-think and re-scan situations
like a behind, short supplied novice carpenter.
how do you fear the sky from inside your tower?

Carefully calculating to skip asked questions
you proceed slowly with only safety intentions
without considering what others have mentioned,
you crawl in fear of even the sun's attentinon.

With a watch on each wrist you count the seconds
inside your head, incase they both end up dead.
An early bird rushing, cause your plan beckons
all of your time for fear of what might be ahead.
are you scared of what has no on/off power?

Carefully calculating to skip asked questions
you proceed slowly with only safety intentions
without considering what others have mentioned,
you crawl in fear of even the sun's attentinon.

You dressed yourself head to toe in armor
locked inside an armageddon proof bunker,
deep beneath the fields of some crop farmer
for you think your prey to some great hunter.
Did you try any life before you said it was sour?