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This is just some of my personal suggestions. I do really like the idea of this piece

You and me, a counter melody interweaved,
there's a lot more to us than the eye can see I like moving these two lines to the beginning of the stanza. Just a thought
Like a dominant chord ringing across the soundscape of life,
I can't get you off of my mind,
and like the coming of death this will happen in time.

A smile, A laugh,
sometimes tongue and cheek is all we have.
A hug, a kiss,
the words we say is all that will last.

Oh were will we go,
the chorus is close and we don't have a verse

I like the idea of this one. I also like how abrupt the ending is. You could continue this idea further and write a longer song. Though with this blunt ending, you can fill the rest with empty instrumental work and say more than any words could. Even a long-ish gap after the first stanza might be a good idea. Your mention of death could easily be partnered to an empty verse before singing again
I briefly read through this and I am going to guess, this is not lyrics, but a poem. So I'll go through and suggest grammatical fixes and useless "spacer" words like "but" and "that".

i can't remember your voice
but i'll try block it out anyway
sometimes she reminds me of you Just my thoughts, but this is an overused phrase in the poetic world. The moment you write something like this, you lose the creative flow readers are drawn to. I would maybe suggest re-writing this to something with a little more sparkle to it. Maybe even a particular thing that she does to remind you of her
in arguments, and for arguments sake
i will pretend that all girls are bitterly
sarcastic when they don't get their way
telling me to f*** off with that beautiful
smile on her face
you see, i've fallen back into the same hole again

it's a bitter cycle, that i thought i could not escape
thenshe came along, and took me in her arms This line is very generic. To keep the reader interested, I would suggest using a unique analogy. Maybe an inside joke between you two that the average person can still understand
showed me what it is like to really love
and to be loved in return
so all her silly mistakes fell so perfectly onto mine
now i carry them around with me, for nights
when i can not sleep or
when i feel like torturing myself
by searching through history
for what i had
and what i lost

will it always be like this?

This is a hard medium to express our emotions in. It's hard to put into words entire feelings. And it's that much harder to do it in a way to stand out. This genre is a very well written genre, nothing you can ever say has not already been said before. So maybe focus and what makes you, you. Find a particular part of this work that really means a lot to you, and just continue to play and write on that. Even change the stanza structures, alter the subject slightly, have fun with it. Improvise with complete creativity based on that one part you feel means the most to you
There's a twenty foot drop
From the roof that I am standing on
To the pool that you are swimming in
And I am gonna jump.
Just a couple grammatical changes to make it look cleaner and more professional. Nothing that really adds to the piece

And you are gonna run This line seems awkward to read. I would maybe re-arrange it to something like Turn your back and run.
When I miss the pool entirely
Obliterating both my knees This word seems out of place. Maybe try words like; pulverizing, smashing, shattering or splintering.
And pass out from the blood.
This stanza has a couple stall points, that hold the reader back

But I will call your name
Because I need you more than ever now
You're the only one, I trust knows how A forced pause there seems to me to sound good. But that's another personal opinion
To make me whole again.

You'll say you didn't hear
But I saw you turn your back and leave
I'm crippled but I still can see
You don't want to be here.
I'm not a huge fan of this last line. It feels forced

Catch me, I'm falling.
I bet you can save me. You could have saved me


There's a twenty mile drive
From the house that I'm living in
To the place you just keep your stuff in
Until you get out of my life.
The last line of this stanza also feels awkward and out of place. You're talking about only being twenty miles away from her house, then you throw in that she's getting out of your life. There needs to be an established bridge to make subject changes like that

And I'm drunk enough to say
I think that there's been something more
Behind idiosyncratic doors.
I've always felt this way.

I fully understand;
It's probably just in my head -
You probably don't wanna bet
On my convoluted plan.
You first mention you fully understand, but the next two lines have "probably". To be honest, I don't care for this stanza at all, I think the piece can work without this completely

So I guess this is goodbye.
Our friendship wasn't strong enough
And neither of us is too tough
To let the truth just die.


I wasn't good enough.
At least you know the truth.


Catch me, I'm falling.
I want you to love me.

I don't intend to sound to mean in this critique. You are playing with a subject that is well overplayed. So to stand out at all, you need to be flawless. I understand writing to express your feelings, and most everyone has felt something similar to this. So it's not hard to attract the sympathetic feelings. But a true poet/musician will teach the reader more about the emotion than the reader could have ever known to feel. As artists, we are more sensitive to the world around us. So we feel a wider spectrum of colours, see more vibrant flavours, and feel the subtleties of the world. Learning how to express that is what will attract readers/listeners. Good luck and I hope to see more of your works
It's fun to see you're still in this community after all these years...

I enjoyed this. I think if you wanted to expand, maybe incorporate something about how the animals and trees live so simply that they seem to understand the beauty of the world, while man has made life so complex that only the poet sits down to marvel the beauty. Just a thought
This is pretty good for being "unfamiliar with the whole lyric thing." This is very creative and flows really well. The only thing I really don't care for, is the lines starting with "and." The more I read in this forum, the more it looks professional to not start lines with and or but. Just an opinion though
Hung up
I'm Cut off
Just as they say
I've had too much of a good thing
I think it sounds good without "I've". But when singing, it might be easier to through that in

There's nothin' wrong
With being alone
What'da they know?
They must have been stoned
So I can see how you are trying to bring 'know' and 'stoned' to rhyme. But that line is very awkward to read. It sounds like you're trying to force it. Just a little change could make a big difference in the flow. There's nothing wrong, with being alone. Whispers and rumours, throwing stones

There's nothin' wrong
With feeling so low
I think that's way Typically lyric/poem writers try to stay away from "I think" phrases. It narrows down the work to reflect more of your thoughts and ego, rather than a scene the reader can read and live. I would suggest another verb line, similar to the following line.
We discovered our souls

If what came down
Were hanging up high
It could be watching us now
And we'd never see it die
I think the last line could use a little more flare, but it's not too bad.

It consumed just enough
Before we cut it down
It's soul was pure
And it told us how

Just empty your heart
Pour out your soul
Fill me with your sorrow
Now you're just a hole

No edge
Just empty
Poor soul
No longer whole

I really enjoyed your ending. You just have a few places where your writing gets dull and those places can slow the flow for the reader. It's always a good exercise to just sit down and write scenes and settings in as much details as possible, with as few words as possible. I can see you enjoyed writing this piece, and I can imagine it's fun to play. Keep up the good work
Before I start, I am writing only what I feel will make this flow and sound better. Nothing is intended to sound negative. I type my thoughts and suggestions as I read the work

The heart is
martyred in honesty I can see two lines down you have another "action" by "noun". Just to break the repetition, I think changing the first one to "in" may sound better.
or is it
marred by deceit;
and mine has been To me this is an awkward line. Off the top of my head, I cannot suggest a change. The first thing that comes to my mind would be to change what has been disfigured. Maybe your mind, or soul. What you could even do is change the last three lines to something like marred and disfigured; voices in the dark, deceit and defile flow wherein. Obviously you can think of something better, I am just trying to give you a different point of view you can look from
disfigured for far too long.
One thing to watch for when writing lyrics, is to keep I's, Me's and Mine's out. Words like these is what makes writing so fulfilling to the writer, but it's hard for the listeners to fill themselves into the song. Widening the view to more of the senses - such as touch, sight, smell - opens the song to more people. People will let the music fill their senses and they can live your music easier. Just a suggestion for further works.

On a Friday afternoon
we got the news, "Got" is SUCH an ugly word. I would avoid it as much as you possibly can. This would be a perfect chance to set the scene. To this point, we have no idea where you are, who you are, what the weather is like, or anything. You could say A call from the doctor to fill the setting in just a little more.
we’d have liked to say First rule to writing is to be grammatically correct. First rule to writing poetry/lyrics, write in long fluid sentences. This sentence sounds like something you would use when talking to your friends. Lyrics don't usually structure the same way you talk to your friends. I would replace this line to better flow with whatever you make the previous line to read
he went too soon,
but we knew him better than that.
Instead, what we said Another common-day line. It would be cool, if you used something like "voices in the dark" in the first stanza, then refered back to that here. Maybe even just re-using the same line. That would really bridge the first stanza into this story. Just my opinion
inside
where none could hear
there was more we could have done
Two days gone, I did not shed a tear.
I had a beer, or twenty, at his wake I would take it that your tradition is for an Irish Wake. Though I think a reference to that seems out of place. Not in any disrespect to your tradition, but unless you refer to it more than once, it's a dam in the flow
the only thing any of us ever understood
in celebration or defeat I like this line, but it could be better if you're willing to re-think how to word it. Maybe even add a syllable or two
was how to drink
so I drank
and in the moonlight,
I cried
and spit and kicked
and told the only woman
I ever loved
"to go **** yourself"
and I showed up Showed is another common-line word. Actions like this is really where you can build a climax and make every action dramatic and exhilarating. I won't even begin to suggest ideas for this. This is the one part of the whole work that really needs your special feeling. The one knob in your chest, use that to scream out a word that truly brings to life what you WANTED to do
to the funeral
with vomit on my shoes.
I was selfish,
I was lying.
I wasn’t there.
So the first stanza started the emotion (typically something played later in a song, but this works), and the second stanza has set the stage. One thing I would suggest, is to build the stage up a little more. Make the reader enthralled by the performance. I understand you write to get the feeling out of your chest, I do a lot of that writing. But taking the time and considering the little things is more important. You'll notice you start noticing the little in life as you live. You notice the sun shinning in a wider brilliance, and the sorrow shearing wider through your heart because you are looking at the way the sunlight reflects off the flowers, the warmth of the day, the fractured mirror in your heart after a friend betrayal. You'll notice you don't write with I's and Mine's quite as much. You spend more of your time describing the world you live in. Because only you live in that world, writing out what you see is the only way I (as the reader) can visit

Your father said it was murder,
we knew it wasn’t I don't intend to sound mean saying this repeatedly, but this is another common-line. To be honest, the ready doesn't care what you think you knew. If the emotion we're going for is deep guilt, dig deep and use your inner gnarled guilt to make me live it. Your tears fell to the ground or The blind man saw the whole thing
but we needed to believe
Swallowed in guilt of others
alleviated our own
gave us a goal
where we cocked pistols Aimed my eye
and said we’d get you, Cocks my head
we’d ****ing get you. Cloud of dust, and you're gone

We shot twelve gauges late Sunday
into a pond, some sort of
South Texas 9 gun salute.

I still haven’t been to your grave
but that doesn’t mean
I don’t miss you
and it doesn’t mean
I don’t think of you
and it doesn’t mean
that I did all I could for you.

I can see how this is really a piece written to relieve some feelings. Maybe with some second considerations for some of these lines, it can be a fun piece to start writing music for. I hope to see you writing more
you see me running and laughing
wind in my hair
chasing the shadows
in the warm summer air

when i had no fears
but the monster under my bed
then having someone hold me
and say its alright

to go back to the time
with the free innocence
when i didn't have to worry
about what people say
i could just be myself
and live fearlessly

a few years later
you see me hanging with friends
i lost some of that innocence
that i held so dear

the pressures of high school
of needing to fit in
has left me broken
how can i be fixed
By the time the reader gets this far he is uninterested and will simply move on unless you add some hooking charecter. I think this stanza should be rewritten to have some sort of 'child's' perspective of high school. What I mean is you need an image and/or analogy that holds a child-like essense of naive. And what you could do is divide this piece into a suite (though I have only read to this point so far.) But in doing this you can have the intro section about the nastalgia of childhood. Then use this stanza as the start of the section containing the mile-stone or right-of-passages that have evolved you from whom you were. Maybe a light reference to the child inside still.Also I think either moving whatever you put here before the previous stanza or omitting that stanza entirely

oh to go back to that time
before all the pressure
was weighing down on me
i have so much more life
i still have to live
i'm still just a kid

Another un-needed stanza. It is repeatative aimlessness such as this that you lose readers to. I would say you don't need this at all

now i'm standing in front of a crowd
staring at the rest of my life
with that piece of paper
that everyone says is my whole career
If you go with the suite styled writting, I could see a re-written reference to the diploma/degree/certfication working really well as a final stanza on this middle part of the suite. Then you can start thr next section about the future maybe, so it becomes a past/present/future tense song

who is this person i grew up to be
how did this man used to be me
now with all the pressures college will bring
will i ever be the boy thatwas so free

i wish i could go back
before the unknown
back when the world was so clear
why did life have to be so hard
is it possible to go back
back where there was innocence
back where there was me

I see that you appear to hold tight to your nastalgia here, but I think rewritting this as a time tense suite would be much better read. Add some imagry, possibly from the child's point of view and tie it all in with a closing stanza that says somthing about how the child and adult were always destined to be together because one is the other only with differences in experiences. All just personal thoughts I had as I read this piece
Well you are right in that I do write mostly poetry, and I learned a while ago that when I give suggested lines to not make them fit. So the writter can have a second reference point and make up a while new one himself and I in no way impeded my ideas into the piece. But anyway, good luck with your work, I am only one suggestion and it all really is up to you
Yeah I remember you from forever ago, nice to see you again.

As far as this goes I like it, it seems to flow fairly well and I like the areas that you used words to slow the reader down, then cleared it up to move them along again. That's something I haven't seen in a while. Great work
Look at what we did
I think I'd rather lie
You've seen it all before
But you still act surprised
I am not usually a fan of rhyming but this doesn't kill the flow too bad. As for a start it already seems a little cliché but with the right music it could sound alright

Tell me what's going on
I really think your holding out on me
Now this last line really doesn't seem right. It doesn't flow well and it seems awkward in many ways. And I can see the next line and it also seems awkward. What I think you need is some sort of visual reference. Let's get a picture going by now. Do something like Lost in cryptical observation or something to give it some character

Why you have to do me like that?

Told you twice I'd be right back

I'm to blame
And that's what you think
We both broke this together
And its a shame
We can put it back together
If that's your thing

These last two lines could use some replacing. Maybe another reference to whatever you replace that second stanza to

And I don't see anything really special here. I have read a few threads in the forum and I learned that true writing skill is taken to the next level by imagery. If you draw a picture with words you truly are skilled and have potential to become great. And I don't see that here. Maybe practice your visual descriptions for a while to develop this under-used talent
Like most the work of yours I have read, this is absolutely fantastic. I never really have a critique against your work and this is not excepting
This thread would be better placed here in the Original Recordings section
This night is dark
the wind is cold
I can no longer feel my fingers
as I touch your skin.
it is like ice
This last line is very awkward to me. It not only seems out of place but it doesn't flow at all. Maybe I think it would sound better if you use it a line or two earlier and maybe refer to the skin as ice. Like maybe The wind is cold, your skin is ice against my hand. Obviously you can come up with something better than that but it's to give you an idea of using the ice as a description IN the stanza

a whimper, then a breath
And you're no longer aware
As I watch you fade in my arms
not long
not long
Maybe even omit the 'as'. It doesn't really need something there in my opinion.

and as ash drifts across the air
I let go, of all resistance
and embrace the torment as my own.

now the night never ends.
and I beg at the feet of the souls around me
and I pray to He I cast out, so long ago
and I, foolish I, touch my skin
it is like ice
and I am alone
Again the ice seems misplaced to me. But this is my far the best stanza. It flows really well

So I think this piece is pretty good. It could use more imagery descriptions, since the main image is the skin of ice and the dark night. If you were to work on that enough you could go from higher mediocre to a WoTW with imagery alone.
First off my advice is to not bump your own thread, if you want it to be recognized critique other works and leave a link in the post

So I am too tired to give you one of my proper critiques (maybe some other time) so I'll just giver you a summary... The sound refernce didn't make sense to me at first, and it wasn't referenced again in the piece so I find it a wasteful use of space. The other thing I noticed off the start is this seems to me more R&B Rap type feel. If that is what you are going for then I guess the rhyming means something to that genre. But I still am not a fan of rhyming. It forces the piece too much. Also I noticed a refernce to missing your mom and dad. Now my suggetion is to take the sound non-sense out and make it sound like a rap version of Yonder Mountain's Sometimes I've Won song, where it's about going out on your own and having the shit beat out of you but you still make the. Maybe in the end make a Cave Johnson's Lemons reference ( from the video game Portal 2). Now that I have rambled enough, overall I see nothing special here. Nothing that makes me want to print this and frame it. What it really needs is directional feeling. Feeling alone means nothing to anyone but yourself. But you need to direct toward a particular story, or some vivid scene that you are describing, and have done neither one here
He's way good, but I think you would have views of this in here
"I don’t deny your existence,
why is it that you must
constantly deny mine?"
Maybe try either 'Continuely' or 'continue to' or something. I am just not a huge fan of constantly

It is good to see that you are still writing in this forum even after my years of inactivity. As far as this work goes, I am not much in the screenplay so I cannot tell you much of what it lacks. But it appears to me that it sounds good.
Leslie, Leslie,
Such a surprise, didn't see her disguise,
Leslie, Leslie,
I opened my heart, but she was playing a part.

Leslie, Leslie,
What is real, can you fake what you feel?
Leslie, Leslie,
Despite our past, this love can last.
I think it would be best to to name this person something else so you don't have the same name twice

So I this piece wasn't bad, but it's not something that I would really saw left me inspired. It all felt cliche in a way but it still has an interesting feel. So maybe with the right music this could be good, but the lyrics alone won't make it top of the charts.
So after reading a couple of your works I would like to say I very much enjoy your style and flow of writing. It seems to all fit together just fine
Quote by LarosdoeRum
Hi Daemonika,
very nice poem.... well written by you.... I appreciate your activity.... it's very different.... thank you for posting this one.... do you have other poem? if you have, post it on this forum... I will definately read your poem.

You can click on his name to go to his profile, and on the left hand side and down a ways there is Forum threads by this person

As far as this goes, very well done. There is nothing I can suggest for changes
Well thank you, after a couple years of inactivity I would enjoy getting back into the forums and maybe get back into writting. It will be intersting to see you evovle your technique as I work my way back into the forum I have long forgotten.
Quote by ReubenAndrews
I'm seconding the shame it doesn't have many comments thing, this was wonderful and not just nice words either it was poignant and though-provoking on a not too taxing level. Some of the imagery was perfect, "drinking down her laughter" & "if courage came not in a glass" in particular. The action of drinking is very fluid and this helps her laughter and the mood seem light-hearted and easy-going. I like the questions it poses, rhetorical obviously but just little things that make you think for a second.

The rhythm and flow of it is great and while both stanza's have differences I feel as though they both work cohesively and compliment each other well. The only one thing that I feel breaks the cohesion slightly is your use of "Nay", I'm not sure why but this choice of vocabulary just sounds foreign in comparison to the rest and sticks out when reading through.

Overall though, super-impressed and pleased to have had such a nice critique from someone as skilled as yourself.

Nothing I can say has not already been said. This piece is fractually fascinating. Very good work
Please do not bump your threads, if no one posts on it, try critiquing other threads and linking your work in your critiques
When the hour's getting old
I can feel you grow so cold
I realize that I'm to blame
But can you hear me once again?
So to start I would like to say I REALLY find rhyming as a word flow killer. It forces a break at the end of the line that really does not appeal to me. Second of all this first stanza so far sounds like a stamp-out, generic poem of some kid still learning the creativity that is required for true poetry.

Brightest sunshine
shimmers in your eye
Lips are grey
beneath the sky
Again, this sounds good, but I have read very similar stanzas enough to that I am not interested so far

Where I go
I'll pretend
That our lives
have no end

Sunny morning
Within the ground
I dig it up
And turn around

I feel the touch
Of wired hair
I find my safe place
Deep in there

So I like the overall feel you are going for here, but SO many people have written in such a similar manor that it is unappealing and likely the reason no one wanted to critique your work
Well I appreciate that you have taken my critique the way I have ment it accross. I believe this this forum is the best place on the internet to assist others evolve their literacy techniques
I would like to apoligize for my spelling to begin, I really am terrible

Night, has fallen onto its cold bed
thus watching the burning woods corroding upon itself
Was it me? Or was it the voices?
I couldn't help but blame myself for this reason.
Was it me? Or was it the voices?
Though, my thoughts wandered against the grain of the day
despite the news' heavy broadcast, stuck in my head
"All fires outside are prohibited until the dry season ends"
The two changes I suggest here really add a a couple syllables to the rhythm of what you have going on but I think they add a small insignigicant touch.

I swear...I swear
I saw it coming towards me
a flight flickering motion, spew forth a phoenix
one which couldn't be withheld
I must have kept it going, all this time
till its satisfaction was stilled.
But surely, it can't have been me
...right?
So I see here a sense of guilt but I would maybe be hoping for a hint to the reason or something either by this point or even the next stanza just so it's not a whole song of just crying in guilt for no appearent reason. (In case you don't know, I critique as I read so I have no idea what you have written next as I do this)

For all I know, I might have been attacked
but self reliance came as sort of a natural instinct,
when rations got thin and my friends lay dead before me.
It was the best meal I'd had in what felt like years.
I cried and laughed for days after, as it was
I could have died after all.
Ok so what vague visuals you have going here I am guessing you are in no-man's-land in some fight somewhere and you have gone so long without food you are eating your fallen comrades. Now if this is true, I suggest adding to visual part of the scene to make if more gruesome, because to me that sound horrible but without the visual part of the seen it's like watching a war movie without video or sound. If this is not the scene you attempted to portray than you obviously need more descriptive work here. You want the readers to feel like they are in the writting, living the world you have created. Not just giving a plain-cut summary. Also as I said in the previous stanza, by this point you have lost the readers that do not have the attention to keep going this far without some reason behind this work. So far all I am getting is vague scenes and an unexplained guilt

Twas coldness I had not foreseen
One which had found me, whilst sleeping It would be a nice touch to somehow include after this line here a reference to night. And maybe even re-wording the first stanza so that the bed that Night is asleep on and the bed you are sleeping on mean whatever it is you are going for here. That will help tie the beginning to the end so it's all just a big circle. Readers like circles
I felt its burning sensation linger
Revealing what life beyond the raving trees
And whatever left of my memory
That night, I emerged alone
Leaving a trail way back
As black as I remember
Ok so you did mention night, if maybe sounding unintentional but it is mentioned. And as far as stanzas go I think this is your best one; but it could be SO much more.

Still, I don't know why they stayed, home was just an hour away
but something kept them checkmate, the layers peeling at every step.
Whenever I woke amongst the carcasses, careless as to
whether it was my fellow peers or animal remains
where as I pinched myself, to prevent that urge again
to provide to its cold depths, calling.
Ok so if you were to either omit the last half of the first stanza and the second and third stanza, then we can get a better picture of what is going on. Because the stanza in particular REALLY makes me think this is all about a really bad hangover and you are now just realizing the aftermath of how terrible parties can be. It would also work really well with the first half of the first stanza and the previous stanza in that affect. Though for what it's worth, a little scene description would help even this plot

And now I'm in the court, still pinching myself
they keep staring at me, with this oddity.
As if they knew my faith already.
They ask me "What drove you into this madness?"
I answered in a most prestigious way
"Love..."
Ok yeah, so you lost me again so I am just going to say I have no idea what you are talking about so I am staying out of that.

Visual affects, sound descriptions and any other sort of something to make the reader feel like they are in the room with the writer living whatever is going on will capture the reader more that anything else. More than story or well flowing word choice, it's the descriptions. Now the other thing this lacks is a story and plot but I really feel that whatever it was just went WAY over my head. Now as far os word flows I think you have some potential skill there that just needs to be refined a little more and you've got it. And the overall rating I give this is 'ok'. It isn't so bad that I would throw it away but I don't think it's a gold record hit either. I would suggest looking through this and refining what you can and maybe doing some excersicing to build some lacking skills.
My uncle was a preachin' man, and I'm a preacher too.
I’ll keep spreading that gospel word, until my days are through.
Now kids can’t pray in school, and they’re trying to raise scholars.
But instead of following God, they’re out there chasing dollars.
So I will say that I already like how you came right out and said what it is you wish to be writing about without spending four stanzas about nothing anyone really cares about

I believe the earth, was made in seven days.
By the blood of God, the innocent are saved.
I believe the earth, was made in seven days
By the blood of God, the innocent are saved.
Quite an uneventful, anti-climatic chorus but I guess with the right music it could sound good

How can you sleep at night, when they ignore your voice.
Because everyday a child dies, in the name of choice.
He gave us the rules, so hear them if you can.
You better listen brother, before you meet the man.
Now this is the stanza where you will either keep listeners or lose them to religion differences. I for one do not follow the laws of Satan and believe that Free Agancy was given to all men. But that is beside the point, you posted this for a literacy critique... For one, whether you say 'cause or not, always write out because. That alone will kill your appearent intellegence in the community. Also, I REALLY am not a fan of rhyming. It kills the flow and forces you rush and break at the end of each line rather than flowing smoothly onto the next line. But again that is a personal suggestion. So this ramble later and I still have nothing against the writting style so far...

Upwards from the clouds, reaches a gentle hand.
If you grab it, you’ll enter the gloryland.
The lord He wants you, to partake the wine and bread.
A holy communion, meant to crush the serpents head.

So before I go any further, I used to be really active in this forum years ago and have a perticular way of critiquing so if I ever offend you or if you feel I am too contriving in your methods, simply ignore my rambles. This is just what I do

Now as far as this whole work, I am bored to say the least. It is unappealing in the sense that there is no creativity, no real story and barely a moral to the whole thing. You have very generic wordings, the rhyming kills it for me as far as flow and it appears to me that you just got out of Mass and you feel you know everything about the world with no real connection to anything. I am sorry to say that I really do not see anything appealing to this particular work and I would suggest tring excersices that promote visual sceneries and descriptions that make the reader feel as though they wandered into a new world.
I have never read the book or any literature from H G Wells, but I am a lover of Steampunk anything so I have seen a lot of references to his works

Now as far as this work of yours goes, I understand what you are trying to go for here but I think you missed it just a little. The song From the Cradle by Widespread Panic is somewhat based on the idea that if you keep your eyes up and your head down the 'predator' of whatever sort you are hiding from will walk right by you and feed off then next poor kid. Though I like the the short simplicity, you lack visual 'candy' or maybe a metaphor or something to add character to an already well written idea Best of Luck to you
Did you think that the life of crocodiles
Swimming up and down the empty castles
Dark evil and witches, necrophiles
Masters of doom and darkness, broken ornaments
And once again, vanish with the tough of redemption,

Let the betrayer smoke your thought
In the meadows of green, gardens of the king
Master of plans, shadow of the naiive.


I don't think I've ever seen anyone describe the metaphorical symbols before...

I do really like the whole imagry that you have here, it flows from one scene to the next smooth enough. And of course the background story here is very well portrayed (especially that you have explained to us the structure that were trying to build around.) Keep on Writing
Nice idea, a little creepy but I think I like it. Good work Keep on Writing
I think this is the wrong forum for this
Well the simplicity is good, this is something I thin everyone should practice more. And the imagry is good, not that this hasn't been done before. I like this, but maybe you should try using this style on another subject that has done been done to the ground Keep on Writing
Quote by kindadumb
Global warming? o.O

Oceans are rising, the rivers are filling up, it just sounds like it could easily go for global warming
Well except for the last line of the first stanza, I liked the flow of the lines. They set up a setting, and simle enough. It doesn't quite have the depth of maybe some of Emerson's writtings but it's still good if you're writing for a simple alternative rock band. It leaves a good message (maybe about global warming) and it isn't filled with pointless ramblings that mean nothing. It may not have enthrolling scenes of Wonderland or entrancing beauty of autumn leaves, but what it does have all flow together for the most part. It doesn't flow aimlessly like my critique seems to do, but flow with one general idea. And I like that.

Keep on Writing
I really liked the simple and strait-forward way you looked at this. And I actually liked the alphebetic reference that you made (if I read the 'twenty-six charecters' reference right.)

Sorry I couldn't give the critique that you gave me, but this is good Keep on Writing
Quote by kindadumb
I disagree on both counts - the second more so than the other. The moral lesson I draw from this is that established forms of institutional power are ruthless and will punish those who are merely standing up for justice. As for his story...why wouldn't Guy Fawkes recite it? Let's not assume that everybody already knows the details about him - I actually didn't know a lot of the content included in this piece.


Well thank you for the comment, though to go along with Arthur, this was just an excersice. I still have a lot to refine if I want to keep with this style of writing. But I'm glad that you appreciate what I have done so far.
Quote by Arthur Curry
i don't like this, and i'll tell you why.

you take the liberty of speaking from another man's position, but merely present a cursory recounting of the same story we've been told already... if guy fawkes could speak from beyond the grave, do you think he would recite the same old story? would he sound as pathetic and lame as you've made him out to be?

moreover, the moral lesson you've provided reads something like this: next time you think you want to revolt against established forms of institutional power, just remember what happened to guy fawkes, and what a sorry sack that guy was.


Well thank you very much Arthur for you opinion. I like to see that you took the time to give me such a critique. And I would say that after reading this, that I agree with you on some parts. This is definitly not a piece I would continue with chords and start play it on the stage, but I think this piece was a good piece in trying to tell the story of a very peculiar person. And as it comes to the moral, I purposefull did not try to make it too obvious or definite in any way. I tried to make to where people can read this and find lessons of their own.

Thank you again for your comment
Well thank you very much Fenderdude06, this was one of the few I wrote that I enjoyed
Quote by fenderdude06
I did not realize how simple this whole thing was lol. I've been sober for too long

Well like I said, it's the simplicity that I like. It could just use a little more imagry, simple imagry.
When the rain decides to come I personally don't care for this sentence frame when it comes to poetry. So instead of a sentence 'John kicked the ball,' have something more like 'The ball was kicked by John to soar into the teams goal.' So maybe try to re-write this one a little more like Autumn rain beats against my window pane
The clouds don't wait for the sun
Light might fight to break through
And keep the shadows on the runo
Also I am not a big fan of rhyming. It sounds cliche and like it was written by a twelve year old. But if you have the music to go with the rhyming, then rhyming could sound good so unless you have music to go with it I would suggest to best avoid rhyming at all costs

Now day breaks over the hill
The earth seems to just stand still* I would right something to the affect of 'Morning comes and follows the path to the river shore.' (Just an example since this does not rhyme or have the syllable count, or makes since in any way but just for an idea.)
The darkness takes a night to kill
Yeah, it takes a night to kill.*

The leaves are diving off the trees Again I would re-write this to flow better, maybe something about they're being enslaved by the wind turrent or maybe they're old and see no purpose in life or something that gives the leaves personification
Trying to get caught in the breeze
Riding currents inside the wind
To find their friends and relatives*

Simple thought path and straitforwardness are both things that I like about this, but it could use a little more personification. Even though it's about nature, the truest nature is nature found through ourselves. If you read Emersons book 'Nature' you'll read how one could look at nature and see advanced being's actions in the leaves or the rain or the morning light. And that is what people are drawn to for some reason. But overall good work Keep on Writing
Very well done, I really liked the flow of the whole thing Keep on Writing