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Quote by k.lainad

how do you guys prevent sleep paralysis? do you guys have experience with it?


the experience you reported is super common as what happens during sleep paralysis. I don't know of any ways to prevent it, to answer your question.

However, I encourage you to consider changing your perspective toward it. Sleep paralysis is a somewhat rare thing to experience consciously, thus I consider it a novel state of consciousness to enjoy when it occurs. I agree it can be scary, but once you read a good amount about it then the next time it happens I find it's easy to realize "okay, this is just sleep paralysis, I know if I wait 30 seconds or a minute I'll just wake up or fall back asleep" etc and calm down. So: just accept and enjoy it, if possible I found reading about the physiology made it easier to be calm about. The more I explore altered states the easier it becomes to remain relatively calm. Good luck!
I hate the morning.
Waking up with a mouth that's dry
and somehow still thirsty from the night before. remove 'and'
Alone.
In a bed for two,
I've got half a mind to burn
this mattress and play repo man for my heart. remove 'and play repo man for my heart'? I think the line is cool and sounds great ending there. Plus the repo man bit is clunky
It used to be skin on skin,
we could sweat it out together.
Now a Spanish porno and a delivery man consider "now spanish porn and..." something, delivery man is odd here I think
are the only company I seem to keep.
It's hard to sleep this off,
in the place we used to lay.
Make the room spin enough,
and maybe it will go away. I like this line but think it could be smoother? Try reading it out loud and see what you think (goes for the whole thing)

I used to want to see the world,
but right now I don't want to move.
I don't want to move.

Couldn't move like you anyway,
as you arched your back and called my name. good
maybe that's just my memory
playing tricks again. less so
Maybe
it was never my name you were calling,
maybe
you never cared for me at all. wheels come off by this point. I have no suggestions, but I think the first 70% is much better than this bit

I don't want to die here,
but I'd sure like to disappear.

**
I like it! People write songs about heart ache often, but I find what lacks is personal details/experience. These lyrics capture some of that personal idea, which I like. Perhaps this is what's lacking near the end? I guess you're speaking from your perspective about you for most of it, then it shifts to you talking/guessing about someone else, which is less interesting I think. Anyway, take care of yourself amigo
VERSE
I've got this feeling
Deep inside
A little tingle
That I can't deny
A burning desire
I've never felt before
And it feels like fire baby
And it's really sore I'd rephrase this line, something more clever and interesting?

CHORUS
But it's probably nothing
Don't need no doctor today "Don't need no doc today" flows better, to my ear. I'd change each repetition of this too
It's probably nothing
In a day or two it'll go away
It's probably nothing
That's what the Doc will say awkward line, read it all out loud and see what you think
It's probably nothing
Don't need no doctor today

BRIDGE
You won't forget me baby
That's for sure
This loves eternal
Just like these weeping sores similar to a rephrase in the first verse, I think it could be funnier to be less obvious here. Still make your point, but less gush. You know, subtlety and build up?
I'll keep you up all night
Itching and a-scratching away
Maybe you could take a look
And tell me it's ok rephrase?

CHORUS
But it's probably nothing
Don't need no doctor today
It's probably nothing
In a day or two it'll go away
It's probably nothing
Is not what google says
It's probably nothing
In a day or two it'll go away

VERSE
I've got this feeling
Down below
A fizzy tingle
An unhealthy glow
The stench is getting worse
Starting to flake
I'm going to end it all
If I've caught the AIDS same issue as above here starting at 'stench' I'd say. But hey, go for whatever humour you want. "the" aids?

CHORUS
But it's probably nothing
Don't need no doctor today
It's probably nothing
In a day or two it'll go away
It's probably nothing
Is not what google says
It's probably nothing
And it's definetly not AIDS

I'd suggest some polish. Sounds like you're having fun, either way keep it up
Hi, please just consider these as suggestions

If I could touch the sky
I'd bring you stars
Take my breathe like cyanide I assume you mean 'breath'?
And hold into this line seems unfinished, do you want them to hold their breath, or?

If I could make hearts align
I'd turn mine with you
Watching these walls collide
And passing through interesting image, but almost too vague--who/what is passing through?

And I don't want to lose a moment without you

And I've lost my world to you
Tonight
And I've lost my thoughts to you
As I fall away
Show me that I can belong
And I'm not here all alone
No one else can bring me back to life
They're wrong but they tell me I'm right somewhat meaningless because the audience has no idea who 'they' are. If you're writing for just you, then cool. Just something to consider
They tell me I'm right
They tell me I'm right

And if I could pause time
I'd live in this scene
Ashes reignite cliche and a significant shift in diction for just one line
Here with you

If I could notice signs
I'd know what to do
Lost in this world of mine
And lost in you I think if you were more specific/personal here, it would be more interesting

And I don't want to lose a moment without you

And I've lost my world to you
Tonight
And I've lost my thoughts to you
As I fall away
Show me that I can belong
And I'm not here all alone
No one else can bring me back to life I assume the death here is from heart ache, not an actual illness? In which case, I... I don't know. Self-expression is important, but so is some independence and self-validation
They're wrong but they tell me I'm right
They tell me I'm right
They tell me I'm right

If I could touch the sky
I'd bring you stars
Take my breathe like cyanide
And hold into

I don't really understand how death (or killing your partner) fits into this. I encourage you to make this connection more obvious (I'm left guessing that the basic idea is 'I can't live without you now that things ended, so...you can die too"?). I can't tell if I'm missing the boat or not. Anyway, I think you've got good structure here and I appreciate you sharing it with us Take care
Quote by jbm351
This sounds awesome, but how do you induce a lucid dream? Can somebody explain this?


it is awesome haha, and inducing them has been covered extensively in this thread, maybe have a read back a bit. Also, check out:

http://www.wikihow.com/Lucid-Dream

http://www.world-of-lucid-dreaming.com/wake-induced-lucid-dreams.html

http://www.dreamviews.com/content/induction-techniques-22/

There are various methods. WILD is my favourite as I've had the most unique, mind bending experiences with it, whereas MILD etc are more tame and I'm less conscious. Lots to learn! Meditation can really help too (plus it's just ultra good for you)
Fair enough. It's great that you enjoy your sleep states so much haha. You're correct in thinking that you can improve conscious skills while dreaming - very interesting aspect to lucid dreams, and how other 'regular' dreams can affect you physiologically.

Keep it up, and thanks for sharing
Quote by JustRooster
Most of my dreams are lucid. They have been since I was about 11 years old or so. In an entire week I may have one dream where I don't realize I'm dreaming.


I'm a pretty big idiot, too, because when I lucid dream I basically just have a really vivid imagination. Once I sort of 'pick' a subject I'm kind of stuck with it until I wake up. Since I was 11 I have, for some reason, always defaulted to race car driving. I could be slaying hydras and banging quadruplets, but nope.

That said, almost every dream I've had for 13 years have been me as a race car driver. Mostly rally cars, sometimes F1, sometimes stock cars. It's odd.


Ask me anything.


Do you have any interest in learning more control? This sounds like a fairly low level of "lucidity" and control. How do you induce LDs?

Why don't you more consciously create and explore them? Or do you feel that you do?
Hey, just looking for some price advice on this guitar I'm hoping to sell in Calgary, AB, CA. I looked up the serial number a bit ago and want to say it's mid 90s? I bought it from a friend years ago and he replaced the pickups with Gibson ones (57s?) before I bought it.

Unfortunately I've been out of this world for a long time and have no idea on what it's worth. On one hand it's "just" an epiphone, but on the other it's got gibson pickups and plays very nicely. My hope would be at least $450 CAD, but I don't want to totally miss the boat if it's way more or way less. And it comes with the case.

http://i150.photobucket.com/albums/s118/iain4444/20130616_102241_resized.jpg

http://i150.photobucket.com/albums/s118/iain4444/20130616_102247_resized.jpg

http://i150.photobucket.com/albums/s118/iain4444/20130616_102259_resized.jpg

http://i150.photobucket.com/albums/s118/iain4444/20130616_102412_resized.jpg

Thanks!
Quote by skylerjames13
What are all these idozer mp3's everyone is speaking about, and what do they do to help induce lucid dreaming?

They aren't a big deal, and I would say that they're just a lazy, poor answer which will yield results of a similar quality. See below
Quote by ChristGrind
Tried the WILD thing last night.... oh man! I didn't complete it, but holy hell, it was amazing. I found my iPod, lied on my bed, put on the idozer lucid dream mp3, and relaxed. After 15mins, my body was humming.. and vibrating, and these blue and purple blobs were going from the bottom of my closed eye sight, to the site, again and again and again, like a tape of film going across. My entire closed eye vision went into a white noise type vision, but instead of it being black and white, it was blue and purple. My body felt extremely weird, but i kept going. After maybe 21mins, a mountain full of trees started forming in my closed eye vision

WILDing is amazing, but you don't need your ipod or anything like it. All you need is some basic meditation and an understanding of the concepts behind WILDs and lucid dreaming. Twenty-one minutes is a long time - not to bash your method, but actual meditation can yield the same (and better) results faster and more naturally. It's up to you, but my opinion has always been that things done naturally and within our bodies is superior and preferable to inducing it somehow with drugs or technology. If it helps you learn the techniques and what not, then awesome
Quote by Snowman388
http://btjunkie.org/torrent/kaaskip-I-Doser-Binaural-Beat-MP3-s/4486a0c1393f6a101b34000e87228bbad51b69ac1f77

I've been failing at lucidity My dream memory has greatly improved (going from 10 nightmares remember in my life, to 3 dreams a night) but still haven't gone lucid.

Again, bineral beats are an unnecessary crutch that, in my opinion, ends up hindering you. Also, your dream recall sounds quite good! Recall is definitely crucial to lucidity, and it sounds like you're well on your way, so keep it up! Keep informing yourself on techniques and other people's opinions on how/when to work at it, and you'll definitely succeed. The whole thing is entirely mental, so it's important that you relax and don't consider it a 'difficult' thing to accomplish; it's only as hard as you make it. *shrugs* I spent a long time working this stuff out, and surely it's different for everyone, but I do think the difficulty you perceive becomes the difficulty you must overcome. Lucid dreaming is a fun, enjoyable, easy, and exciting opportunity for growth.
Quote by Jusman
Holy crap I was watching a video in one of the links in this thread and it says once you begin to become good at lucid dreaming you can ask yourself questions and you'll get genuine answers from your sub-conscious

I can't find any mp3s to help with lucid dreaming, at least none that are free, does anyone know where to get one?

free mp3s can be found anywhere online, ie torrenting - not that I condone that As for asking your subconscious mind questions, that's hugely debatable because of controversy about the definition of 'subconscious' etc, but I'd argue that you can get the exact same answers while meditating. Few people discuss how intimately linked lucid dreaming and meditation are, but as soon as I began exploring meditation seriously my ability to become lucid skyrocketed. Give it a shot though - the worst thing that could happen is that you'll discover more about yourself and feel more at peace Good luck
Hey cutie I had an extended (and glorious) picnic this afternoon, hence not getting to this til now. I understand why some people are saying it doesn’t have as many ‘layers’ as they’d like to see, but as it’s part of a series, I’ll wait til they’re all written to judge that aspect too much. Having said that, most of my comments will just be little word-choice thangs.
Some choose the day
for the warmth
and the light
overt and open
all in plain sight

But we choose the night
when the world is asleep
to open our hearts,
shared secrets we keep ’share’ makes more sense here, following the previous line, and it still sounds nice rhythmically

Darkness protects
the love that we share consider taking ‘that’ out. Doesn’t bounce as much without it I suppose – your call
intimate moments
with no one else there.

A room away
is as good as a mile
he can't see my words,
or witness your smile I like this little idea/scene, but finding a funkier way to say it would be nice. I’m not saying stray from the style you’re using. I can’t think of any suggestions, but maybe you’ve got ideas

She'll never know
the things that you said
or see all the visions
you've placed in my head.

Half a world apart,
connected by wire
two souls now shall merge I’d take out ‘now’ to improve the rhythm. Read it aloud, boisterously, to be sure, and then choose. ‘Souls shall’ sounds nice together too
engulfed by desire

It's time for sleep
as our screens fade to dark
we'll dance in our dreams
in a spiritual park Not a fan of this line really. Rhyme zone is suggesting ‘peruvian bark’ haha, but I don’t see that working too well. “Lark” might be a great word to play with here, or consider changing the ‘screens fade to dark’ bit, which I didn’t find all that strong.

I’d love to see a revision! Or if not, at least a response to everyone’s comments Glad to see that you’ve been writing. Hope this helps,
Iain.
I don't have much to say about this unless you care to explain it a bit?

I'm not a fan of the repetition of 'at night' - it's awkward
God Broke Up With Me
Herby, I like the title, though I’m not entirely sure how it plays into your piece. It seriously implies satire, and you don’t go that route

One missed call, one dropped gaze
opens the deepest wounds I've ever known; kind of a dramatic reaction to a missed call? Wouldn’t it be worse if they lied to you? As, at the end, you’ve said I something worth dying over?
now I'm back to bleeding,
the only way I know.

Bleeding leads to scabbing,
and scabs begin to heal; you only use semicolons to join independent clauses, or more vaguely, to separate long, detailed items in an otherwise convoluted list. You didn’t really need to comma in the line above. I get it though, if you’re just marking it to remind yourself of rhythm or something. Just wanted to letcha know Also, ‘scabs’ don’t really ‘begin to heal’? The line seems subtly incorrect, like don’t scabs form after blood has congealed and your body has already started to heal itself? Unless you’re saying the scabs themselves start to heal over? Either way, “scabs” aren’t a very deep or dark image of pain; I’d consider changing this line.
unless I rip them open,
to prove that I still feel. As already stated, this is really clichéd, and come on, causing physical pain in this way to ‘prove you still feel’ doesn’t make sense. Just poke yourself and your nerves will respond. You’re probably talking about scabs on your metaphorical wound where “god” amputated you – guess I’m just saying it seems flawed.

My bed is screaming out, consider ‘my bed screams out//and sounds just like me’, and why is your bed screaming? I don’t get that part haha
and it sounds just like me;
a garden of imperfections, eden? It only had like one imperfection, that was the point?
a valley of impurities. this seems like a really forced line, because you wanted it to rhyme. Consider “a valley of debris”

You must be my god,
because you decide my fate; non sequitur
I understand that I'm worthless,
and why you choose to amputate. while you may understand the ‘why’ of all this wound, you certainly haven’t explained it, which makes this all somewhat uninteresting

Bleeding leads to scabbing,
and scabs begin to heal;
unless I rip them open,
to prove that I still feel.

It's a tragedy.
It's a tragedy.
It's a tragedy.
We're a tragedy.

We're a tragedy.
We're a tragedy.
We were born,
to tragedy.

Bleeding leads to scabbing,
and scabs begin to heal;
unless I rip them open,
to prove that I still feel.

I've got everything to prove, (It's a tragedy!)
I'll prove it all to you; (It's a tragedy!)
I swore I'd never lie, (It's a tragedy!)
and I'll die to keep that true. (We're a tragedy!)

This is for you. I can’t tell if this is part of the song lol
Anyway, the word ‘tragedy’ has a shit ton of history behind it, as a genre and as a term, that you may want to check out. And rather than pointing it out in the piece, I’ll just say that the last 4 lines are really clichéd, as well as void of meaning. Surely there’s some details you could share with the audience to make this more interesting, and the point of song writing is generally to express yourself in a (hopefully) interesting way, so consider finding a more unique way to say the things I mentioned as cliché.

There’s lots you could do to this, and I’d love to see a revised version don’t take any of this personally, and don’t change anything you don’t want to. I’m just trying to be constructive – hope it helps.
Iain.
Heyo, the link wasn’t working, but I’m guessing this is the piece you were talking about? Let’s see
I carry this bag with me
and it seems to weigh a ton.
And there are times that it bothers me consider how few words you’re using in poetry. It is generally a good idea to choose words with a lot meaning, so look through your piece and you’ll see many of these kinds of words: and, it, things, there, some of the ‘thats’. It doesn’t always apply, but yea. I understand you use them to improve flow, but there are better ways
knowing things I put in it can't be undone. awkward line, choppy. It’s like you sort of forced it so it’d rhyme with ‘ton’, so either smooth it out or change the line to more naturally say what you intended
Though it holds some things I value like what? Kinda boring without any details?
There's some things I wish I could burn. again, missed opportunity. This is just vague.

But there's no reason to let it hold me down.
Yeah there's no reason for letting it all go. the ‘yeah’ implies you’re continuing the previous line, but here you don’t, and that is confusing. Or maybe you are, but you aren’t explaining yourself very well
Because there's more to life than that bag that you know. if this is the thrust of your piece, that we needn’t fixate and dwell on our past mistakes, you really need to make that more clear

And there are nights I go out,
and just leave that bag behind.
Have myself a good time,
and finally find some piece of mind. again you’ve forced this line so it’ll rhyme. At the very least, take out ‘finally’, but I’d recommend a line about why leaving the ‘bag’ behind allows you to have a good time. Do you mean you ignored the fact that you’re responsible for your actions and had a ‘good time’ because of that?
But when the morning comes,
that bag is heavier than before. this makes for some confusion within the piece, because you’re essentially counselling that you should learn from your mistakes, then move on and be happy, but here you’re saying that you’re not able to do that? I’ll address the problem I have with the entire metaphor/concept at the end
That's just the price you pay
when you choose to ignore. ignore what? Your past? If you’re going to repeat this, it should be far more clear – and I’d suggest not repeating it so you can clear things up.
Yeah that's the price you pay
when you choose to ignore.

Well the truth is that this bag this seems too childish. It’s like seeing “the moral of the story is…” at the end of something. Take this line out and use the extra space to explain the concept. Just say it, you know? We assume that what you’re saying it the ‘truth’; you don’t need to take up precious space to reiterate that
Is what made you who you are. really awkward line, rework both this and the first one
And ‘and’ seems pretty redundant hereyou can try to abandon it, I don’t think ‘abandoning’ it is the right verb or way to go about dealing with it. Think about how you deal with mistakes, then choose a better word.
but you'll only get so far. I’d find a more interesting way to say this, less clichéd as well
Before that bag's back on your back,
and it seems there's nowhere else to go. again, find a more interesting and unique way to say this. Lines like this would be easy if you had a more defined central metaphor

But you better learn to live with it, because if you don’t you won’t be happy, which is confused by the next line
or your “you’re”, not “your”better off below. because if you’re not happy you’re going to hell? Or because if you’re not happy it’s assumed you’ll commit suicide, which will mean you’re going to hell? Anyway, I don’t think you should cite ‘hell’ as the reason and motivation for why we should all find a more productive way to grow and learn from our mistakes – doesn’t that seem like a really empty reason?
Because there is more to life than that you know I’m not suggesting you actually get into this, but like what? haha

It doesn’t need to bother you that you’ve done things you wouldn’t want to do again, and there’s no reason to burn anything. It’s all about how you deal with those mistakes and the decisions you make in the present, as that’s all you can affect. You learn from the past, make amends if you can, you grow, and you move on. I think you need to sort out the subtle conflicts you’ve created within the piece, and expand on the ‘bag/back’ metaphor so you’ve got more to work with – and some details would improve this too. I’m excited to see what you come up with hope this helps
Iain.
Hey good to hear back from you!
Quote by philmalone666
I'm not entirely sure what you mean with this comment, if you could further expalin it maybe I can do something with it.

I was referring to the fact that the speaking in the song seems to have all these emotions for someone, but they aren’t communicating them at all. As in, you can’t expect someone to notice you if you’re not saying anything either – they could be in the exact same position as you, thinking you’re ignoring them because you’re not saying anything. This lack of communication seems to be the issue, so I’m suggesting you explain why there is no communication. I understand that what I’m telling you isn’t advice about specific lines or anything, but I don’t feel like the piece needs that yet – it needs what I would call ‘substantive’ editing before it needs proofing or copy editing.
Quote by philmalone666
Yeah, I was thinking of adding in another verse about that after I posted it anyway, you just beat me to it.

I think that’s a really good idea
Quote by philmalone666
I didn't want this song to leave a sense of closure or completion. The whole point of it was to convey the feelings of anxiety and hopelessness and leave the reader (listeners too I hope if this gets the green light) feeling that things wont be resolved.

Well for starters, I think you should make this into a song for sure! Experience is the best way to improve. I’ll admit that I’m not a fan of just conveying those feelings of anxiety or hopelessness because it clashes with my ethos. I mean, it’s fine to feel and express those things, but in crafting a song, I would take the time to make it something productive, something that aids or eases growth. If you don’t want that, let me know and I’ll just copy edit the song. I’m not trying to take over your song or anything wild like that. It’s just hard for me to see from this perspective.
Also, there is no growth implied because this song isn't about growth, it's about continuing to be inaffective at what you want to achieve the most.
Again, this jars with how I live. If I’m being ineffective in something I really want to do, I’ll consider why, then decide how to act, then try it. This just seems like dwelling? I do admit that it makes sense to want to “release” your emotions, and this song is not a bad way to go about that. In the interest of being more objective and helpful, I’ll copy edit a bit and see where that goes.

Sitting side by side with you, never have I felt more alone the second half of this line is off rhythmically. If you read it aloud you’ll hear what I mean. Try “I’ve never felt more alone” maybe? I mean, you can sing pretty much anything and make it fit.
Not a word has passed between, not a glance to let me know
That you even know I'm there
That you ever really cared as i mentioned before, these two lines are really trite and wordy.
“not a word has leapt the/our chasm, not a look to let me know
[that you even know i’m there] ha i don’t know, it’s your song.
That the passion’s truly/surely/duly shared.

This feeling is nothing new when sitting all alone with you I think the extreme lack of imagery takes away from it too, as does the extensive use of pronouns: this, i, you, me, etc, even words like ‘now’ or phrases like “i’ve never let you down” are really vague and don’t give the reader/listener much of anything to play with or imagine

Standing silent by your side, I haven't felt more lost then now thinking about this makes me imagine two statues (because you aren’t making progress) whose bases are (almost?) touching, yet one faces east and the other west.
Follow you through thick and thin lack of detail that makes it uninteresting but you don't seem to notice how
I've never let you down again
No I'll never let you down and really again. There are so many lines where you could expand and bring in details that make the song your own and actually give readers something to picture or think about. At least consider it.
This feeling is nothing new when walking all alone with you
Again, I’d love to see a newer version of it when you’re ready. Hope this helps
Alone With You
So hey, I like where the title implies this piece could go, but I’m not a fan of where you took it. Rather than go through it meticulously, I’ll mostly just say a few things here. The sheer angst that you manage to portray is stunning, and you utilize far too many clichéd ideas and lines. To get away from that, be more willing to express yourself in your own terms – independent terms – rather than with over-worked phrases that aren’t good for sparking interest.

I’m worried that I’ll be too harsh, which is not my intention. I mean to be constructive, so I’ll mention the positives I see here. The speaker is determined and shows a (maniacal) form of compassion, and they’re patient. Otherwise, I see this as containing too many “always” and “never” kind of ideals, and it attempts to romanticize the concept of giving yourself up to someone who doesn’t care – which is not my thing. There is no growth within the piece; you identify all these issues, but then proceed in the same fashion, and end that way too? Even if this is just a hypothetical piece, does it really seem like a healthy approach to a relationship of any sort?

Sitting side by side with you, never have I felt more alone
Not a word has passed between, not a glance to let me know
That you even know I'm there has the speaker considered speaking to the subject about this? Maybe that should come up? There seems to be several integral bits of story missing here.
That you ever really cared both of these lines are really ‘wordy’, and cliche
This feeling is nothing new when sitting all alone with you

Standing silent by your side, I haven't felt more lost then “than” now
Follow you through thick and thin but you don't seem to notice how
I've never let you down
No I'll never let you down
This feeling is nothing new when walking all alone with you

Watching out for you I see, all the world is up in arms
But never will it touch your skin while I'm protecting you from harm
But you never even smile
But Still it's worth my while why?! This is the crux of the entire thing! You really alienate your readers (in a bad way) by not explaining this. You spend 96% of it explaining this bad situation, then drop a hint that it’s worth it, but don’t explain why
This feeling is nothing new in a world all alone with you

(So) You don't even know, you don't even seem to care
(Alone) I gave you everything but you won’t acknowledge that I'm there
(With) But I'll do everything I must, I'll do anything to just
(You) Make you see I'm the one who will never think of hurting you
(So) Make you see I'm the one who will always be there for you
(Alone) Make you see I'm the one who will always be waiting for you
(With) Make you see I'm the one who will give up everything for you
(You) Make you see I'm the one who is always so alone with you
You could totally take this somewhere, but as is, it sort of just meanders and leaves us guessing about the most important parts. Sorry if this is offensive; I know it’s difficult to share your work I really would like to see another draft, or at least talk to you about it – and remember, everything I said is just my opinion. Take it or leave it. Hope this helps?
Iain.
being a goof at the beach this summer



pretty happy with how things were going after a day of drinking at my place
Nice to see the beautiful people of UG haven't been around that much lately haha
Quote by Captain Panda
I need to learn about 30 pages of history notes by monday.

I'd rather do this than any of the like 11 things i have to do for school asap.
i've always got a ton of things to do for my classes ha, some of which i'm doing right now. Taking a break to help a fellow UGer out with catcher in the rye though

Don't procrastinate duder, either do your work or don't - anything else is a serious waste of your time.
Quote by Cous Cous =>



Cheers for all the guidance on flow, im still kind of finding my feet in that aspect of writing


hehe not sure how to change the custard line.
Obsidian creme anglais?.... Praps not =>


cheers for the crit, i can return the favour if you wish =>


Yea I figured that's what it was about haha, and hey, there's about 2 things you can do about this girl: you either admit that the reason you only have a 'thimble' worth of ammunition is becuase you've made a lot of mistakes in the situation and/or it's mostly your fault, or you admit to yourself that she's really not worth your time. There are more than 6 billion people on Earth, and when people are being that difficult and offering little/nothing to you as a reason to be near them, it's easy, better for you emotionally, and more productive to say “next”. Why waste time on someone like that?

For the flow: always read your writing out loud to yourself and listen to how it sounds. This is the easiest way to tell if you've got the line right or not. If you're not sure what to look for, read some famous poetry out loud and see the difference in rhythm from theirs to yours. Examples:

http://www.everypoet.com/archive/poetry/Robert_Frost/robert_frost_stopping_by_woods_on_a_snowy_evening.htm
is an ok one, or maybe...
http://poetry.poetryx.com/poems/784/
or one from our little community:
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showpost.php?p=12668740&postcount=41

as for the custard bit, i'd stay away from food haha. Put up a revised version!

ah, and don't worry about a return crit
Hey cous

Here you sit,
inexplicably, this a bit off rhythmically, especially with the comma after it. Look at the definition of scorn: open or unqualified contempt; disdain – an object of derision or contempt, it's hard to understand how someone could feel that way about you without you knowing why, so I'm not sure about this line
pouring black water on my head,
from a jug labelled scorn. this is a neat image
I wish I could retaliate, retaliate's a cool word, but it might be a bit awkward for flow, maybe not
but my capacity for scorn-pouring pales in comparison
to yours. this is awkward, not really sure how i'd rewrite it and keep the same connotations

My jug is more a thimble,
and I'm already soaked. soaked by the other person's? Or by yours, or? This seems a little ambiguous

You're smiling blandly now,
and bandying phrases around in a vain attempt to weird line break, and it's really wordy
quicken my pulse.
An emotional retard? these two questions are rough on the flow i think, and I think they're a bit awkward in the ideas they convey and how you're phrasing them. The second question almost seems like you're “calling her out” or starting an argument, though maybe you're asking for a more thorough and less insulting explanation of the person's emotions – again, ambiguous.
Is that all you have?
Clever lass. I would guess that you don't think you're the emotional retard that this girl is saying (i'm assuming this is about you and a girl, correct me if i'm wrong, but the point(s) still apply) you are. I'm not saying you are, but nowhere in this are you expressing yourself. You spend time saying you don't understand her reaction, and you spend time saying you're “nice” (not retaliating), but that you wish you could – so which is it? You either understand and forgive, or you understand, don't forgive, and wish to retaliate; or you don't understand, don't forgive, and do/don't want to retaliate. Anyway you claim it is, you've got them mixed together a bit here. Why would you want to retaliate if you're abilities to do so are 'thimble' sized, implying you aren't someone who does so? Ah, up until now i've been assuming the 'thimble' means you don't want to retaliate, though it just occurred to me that you may mean you can't or don't know how – it is that?

The black water congeals into obsidian custard. neat image, though 'custard' really doesn't fit – i'd find a similar word that...isn't custard haha. Phrases like “vain attempt” and “clever lass” are a bit condescending, and that's not helping your case with their (implied) accusation of you not trying effectively to fix whatever it is. I think i'm probably probing too much into what this is about, but it seems like you've got to work that out more before worrying too much about how it reads. I can't comment much more on it without more detail :s Anyway, there's some interesting imagery here, and i'd like to have you explain it to me a bit hope this helped?

Iain
hey i just woke up and wasn't sure if i'd crit this or not as I feel fuzzy, but i'll make a few comments. The title's ok, and i see the point, though i'm not a huge fan. Haha, sorry that's not helpful

Today he let out a cosmic roar – as people suggested, this does come across from a child-like perspective, so sometimes the diction seems off, ie 'cosmic'
the deafening bass tones of blacks and browns gross imagery lol
and wisps of ugly ugly the repetition here contributes to the child's perspective, and I don't think i would use it, or maybe with the second one a proper noun? Because you're either semi-personifiying 'Ugly' or it's just a scared child that says it twice for reasons i won't speculate
i cant hear you capitals and apostrophes wouldn't be entirely amiss here?
i dont want to hear you
like smoke clouds from a bubbling swamp. 'smoke clouds' seems a bit lame. I know it's sort of parallel to 'bubbling swamp' and reads rather pleasantly, but I don't like it that much

I curled into a ball on the floor
toes clutching the hem of my pajamas the word 'hem' seems glaringly out of place to me
arms around my knees
head up, eyes open

It's okay
It will always be okay
Some people cannot change

That night I shed myself of the pajamas
walked into the dark air and took a breath of mist -
the clouds were puffing away
and in the brown and black abyss
I found purple, blue, i really like this bit
stars, gods, not this as much, but it's alright
a beautiful world with beautiful people
and every reason to be happy
when living with
the big, bad wolf.

I wish i had more insightful things to say about it, but i don't right now haha. Hopefully some of these more technical points can help you out? neat piece, thanks.

Iain
Quote by Tojo62
whats it like in a LD? can you actually sense and feel things, or can you just see and interact? Im gonna try to do it starting tonite

if you have a decently high level of lucidity, it's completely the same as being awake. Your brain doesn't differentiate between 'dream memories' and 'awake' ones, at least not physically. Or that's what i've read lol. Anyway, it all seems the same as you're awake, though it can all feel a bit surreal
"The storm had passed, birds were chirping, and everything in the world seemed more alive."

Heavier than heaven - charles cross. Definitely something i'd never pick out for myself, but a guy from work recommended/lent it to me. It's alrightish
Quote by JacobTheMe
I always thought I knew how to lucid dream, but turns out i've never even done it before.

Which would imply you know exactly what they are, or that you think you do.
Quote by JacobTheMe

I don't know how, but I just started thinking to myself "This is not a lucid dream, it never was."

See, what you think something is and what it is can be different things.
Quote by JacobTheMe

My first lucid dream was interrupted.

Was it even a lucid dream? What was happening?

Lucid dreaming means you're consciously aware that what you're experiencing is a dream.

*is seriously tired of answering the same questions over and over in the same thread, and is unsure why he continues to post if he's going to be a dick about it*
Quote by Neopolitain
aha good thought but not really P.
The gray man acts as a symbol for a problem or almost like a voice thats bearing down on me.
hence why he's always lurking basically in the background and hes drawing in.

Yea i was thinking it was about drugs, though the knight/maiden thing sort of threw that off. I agree with digupherbones about the cliche phrases/ideas you used - definitely go for something fresh

The last three lines of the first section seem a bit long-winded, especially compared to the rest. Your 'escape' at first is very, very sudden when contrasted with how ominous the whole thing sounded, and when you say "He disappeared into the shadows of the path, never to be seen again" we sort of think he's gone - because you said he is. Then, no, WHAM he's back, which I think is a bit lame. You're saying this after the fact, so why say he's gone forever if he comes back into the picture in like two lines?

Anyway, it's a neat piece, though i think if it was about something more specific, not just 'a problem' then it would improve. Hope you like it here though keep writing!

Iain
It's been a while - hi everyone!
Tree planting for a day haha

Doin' my thing just outside my house
Quote by instagata0
how could anyone possibly test that?...

ha that's definitely what i was thinking too. Also, your stuff about WILDing sounded really neat! I'm not sure why you started to lose lucidity with the chef/dead baby thing, but all I can recommend for sure is practice. Meditation can help for increased focus as well, and I'm sure you could read up a bit at dreamviews.com for more help. As for threesomes, they're a blast - but if you're going to put any effort into it then you might as well go for the real thing definitely way funnier afterwards. Hope the recording is going well or that it went well!
you're welcome glad to hear back from you about this! And i'm glad you weren't discouraged by what I said. I understand that some poems are just quick little things, and that's great - you obviously don't have to work on this if you don't want to. As for not knowing if it's worth it, of course it is Good writing is rewriting.

I don't post too often, though sometimes i'm more active than others. I don't have anything up right now, nor have I lately, so don't worry about it. Hope to see more from you soon
prepared.
hey I always write more than I intend, so sorry in advance haha. The title's alright, can't think of anything better right now, but maybe by the end

out in the backyard,
where i once wrote a poem about the sunset. first line's a fragment, then this is more complete. I get that you're just setting the scene, but it feels a bit awkward, like the third should be a continuation, and if you read it without the period, it is. So why the period?
i tried to capture the essence of king sun sounds like you're giving the Sun a playfulish name here, which is fine, but then you drop it a bit. Consistency would be better I think
falling behind the
horizon, throwing its' you don't need the apostrophe on its here, and wouldn't it be "his"? last rays on the dead leaves of trees,
on the reflection of my hazed eyes, cool description of eyes, though i'm not sure how accurate this is from a physics/light/science perspective haha
on the hollowness of forced rhymes.
saw it as an attempt of sun trying to climb
back up and save the day - to no avail. fragments again, and, as mopmaster said, these next five or six lines are a bit weak. This one and the next are much more trite than the rest of the piece; I think part of the issue is the forced rhyme. If you did this on purpose as a semi-subtle call to your previous line about forced rhymes, I think it was ineffective. It's too awkward and seriously breaks the flow.
sun did everything it could and still failed.
i would've stayed there until i ran out of? ink back to full sentences? The back and forth thing only served to make me stop reading and go back to analyze why it felt off, and I don't think you did that intentionally?
if hadn't been for the villainous storm 'villainous' seems like a bad description of the storm, like you took it too far. Maybe relentless, heedless, careless, reckless, vicious, or chaotic?
that made me drop my pen and run inside.
i had trouble sleeping that night. this line and the previous one seem very basic “this happened and then this happened and then I did this and then I did this”, very s p e l l e d it all out for us with simpler language than you'd been using previously

now, i'm back here again. this time
with the longest, thickest rope i could find i'd look for something better than 'longest, thickest', but i'm not sure what direction you want to go with it
and my own bottle of rain. cool line
I like it, and I respect the fact that you wrote it in about 30 minutes. There are some things you I think you should work on certainly, but it's a nice piece I hope you're not discouraged by my criticisms – I feel like they're all constructive, and i'm only trying to help. I'd love to see a revised version!

Iain.
Quote by guitarmaniac327
I want to be the first professional fapper. Meaning I get paid to fap.

You know this already exists, right? Sperm doners - not that it's easy to qualify and there are ethical issues involved, but still.

I wanna be a sage

edit: gahh ^
I'm glad everyone still feels the need to just blab about dreams they've had in this thread haha.
Quote by Igotyerbooty
You can boost the success rate of your Lucid Dreaming by getting smashed, drink roughly 96 ounces of beer rather quickly then follow up with two shots Baileys then follow that with two shots of whiskey. Make sure you have a few cigarettes in the process of this, listen to lots of music, interaction with people is recommended but not necessary.

Your dreams will be extremely vivid, it in this state of intoxication that I've found I could control my dreams the best and make them flow in the manner I choose.

This is because alcohol supresses REM sleep, and then once it's worked through your system (to some degree? once you're not drunk i guess, i'm unconscious for this so...) there's usually quite a torrent of REM cycles, being very intense and vivid. As for your random suggestion of what to drink, no thanks? :p
Quote by Led_Zeppelin992
I wish I could do this.

I've tried so hard, offered so much help, but still no success!

Aw well, it probably wasn't meant to be anyway.

I'm really sorry to hear that man; you really have been trying for a long time! I'm not sure what to suggest though - do you ever meditate? that really helped me out when I was learning, because many of the techniques are similar and it helps you with focus etc.
Quote by na10tbolt
I tried the 2 days ago and woke up with headache thats just starting to go away now. I think I did it wrong.

Haha i think you did too, but i wouldn't attribute this all to trying to LD, probably a combination of things. Not that i'm really expecting you to reply, but what exactly did you do? and why do you think it gave you a headache?

Happy LDing
...what kind of essay does it have to be? for what class? you're being exceptionally vague.

Having said that, write about penguin mating habits, ear damage at work vs employers paying etc, or van gogh's works and their representation in current culture

^or funneling, good idea
Enjoy your stay
haha take it easy common you have to shrug people like that off because they're idiots. I wouldn't sell your stuff; you'll regret it! A special night alone with her sounds like a way better idea anyway
Quote by soulflyV
Woah, back the fuck up, junior.

Don't go and sell your shit just to pay for a one night thing that doesn't mean anything.

Instead, hang out with her that night. You save money, she doesn't have to go, and you form an even greater bond.

Yea, i have to agree with this one. Spend the night doing something fun/special with her It doesn't matter where you are, only who you're with
–adjective
1. extraordinarily great or intense: terrific speed.
2. extremely good; wonderful: a terrific vacation.
3. causing terror; terrifying.
Origin:
1660–70; < L terrificus frightening, equiv. to terr(ēre) to frighten + -i- -i- + -ficus -fic

consult your local dictionary

but yea, i know what you mean. Its current definition doesn't have much to do with the third, archaic definition listed there. Etymology ++
yea i'm sort of disappointed, still not sure if i'm going. We'll see what happens though i should decide soon i guess, because prices are going to go up
wait, really? my friend juuuust told me he's playing a solo show in toronto this summer. And now it occurs to me that by 'solo' she probably meant by himself, while i thought it was just her being weird and telling me there wasn't an opening band or anything. That's too bad; both of the other two guys were great!
ha definitely. I saw so many fantastic bands last year that i hadn't heard of. I was a huge fan of john butler trio's show, rage's (obviously haha), and broken social scene's. Anyway, hope the lineup improves
ahhh last year was amazing! Way too many people thought i was there selling acid haha. Not a huge fan of the bands you listed there, but they're alright imo. Not worth the trip or the ticket yet ha, but we'll see who else is playing