How to Achieve Guitar God Status

A short lesson.

Ultimate Guitar
We all dream of being great guitarists, loved and adored by those who hear us. But, so few of us truly achieve this goal. Why is that? Lack of drive or commitment? Unrealistic expectations? Cosmic interference?

We may never know, but I believe that I have found, through hours of research, the secrets to becoming the ultimate guitar god.

1. Practice

Everybody knows that your entire ability as a guitarist is based on your speed and technical ability. You worth as a human being is directly proportionate to your notes per second. Nobody wants to hear carefully, well crafted songs. We want sweep-picked arpeggios and super-fast scales! For this reason it is vital you only ever practice using techniques that will improve your shredding ability. Stay well away from any technique or songwriting exercise that encourages creative thought. In fact, any songwriting exercise at all. If an exercise doesn't make you feel like you're reciting your times tables, it's worthless.

2. Genres

Every guitarist knows that the only genre worth playing is metal. The heavier the better. Any other genre is inferior and should be treated as such. BUT, here's he tricky part. Some metal bands are also inferior. This is known as "Elitism" and is the key to becoming a guitar god. It is important that you find out which bands are considered inferior, Nickelback or Limp Bizkit are safe bets, then publicly attack (Read: send cruel messages on social media) any fans. Pop music is the devil and should be ignored totally.

3. Bands

As the guitarist your band is there to give your solos a nice intro and outro. You should always be loudest in practice, as is your right as lead instrument. Any songs should be totally under your control, unless your band is full of unfair douches. This sector ties in heavily to the previous sector. If anybody suggests anything but metal, exclude them from your life henceforth and immediately commence a campaign of hate.

4. Live Performance

As with bands it is essential you are center stage. You must be loudest, stood in the center front of the stage and with at least 68% of all stage lights direct onto you. Insist on the 12 minute shred solo that is your right! If the band refuses or, god forbid, people start to lose interest then it is your duty to show your displeasure in the most dignified manner possible. Swearing at the crowd or refusing to participate in further giggery are both acceptable methods of protest.

There it is, my concise guide. Now I have spilled this rare wisdom forth my only option is to sit back, relax and wait for news of the impending tsunami of guitar gods.

21 comments sorted by best / new / date

    This, Ladies and Gentleman, is what is called Satirism. It is written specifically to draw attention to a specific area. In this case, it is douchey guitarists that do not understand that there is an artistry behind playing guitar instead of being technical for the sake of being technical and denouncing anyone that has an opinion of music other than you. If you didnt find this article funny or simply didnt understand it, you are mostlikely one of the people that this satire is about. That is all.
    I play so fast it confuses the human ear, so my 256th note tongue shredding technique actually is aurally processed as about an 8th note at best. Any bends are just the strings melting. Why would I need to bend a string? I'm a guitar God.
    UG: My recommendation would be to either include the definition of sarcasm at the beginning of each article or hire writers are that actually funny enough for people to understand these articles are jokes.
    Metal is trash. Not as bad as pop, but it's trash. And i have no idea if you think this is funny or what, but your stupid.
    How about instead of sitting back and relaxing, you delete this article. Mr.'s and Mrs.'s this has been another episode of how NOT to be a guitar god. Thank you, tune in next week for another stupid article!