Posted Apr 20, 2011 12:04 PM
Create the Band - Creating a band isn't just about getting compitent members to play with, but it's about making everybody know their place and making yourself a bigger tool--I mean badass.
1. You either have to be lead singer or lead guitarist. These are the only positions that are presigious enough for a badass like you.
2. Refer to yourself as a badass. Constantly.
3. Talk down to your bassist. Constantly.
4. If you're the singer, never take lessons. But make sure everybody knows that you're voice is the voice of the band.
5. If you're the lead guitarist, be worse then your rythm guitarist, but make sure to hog the glory.
6. Skip alot of practices and if they wanna know why you weren't there it's cause you were busy with your own badass music.
7. When you do show up to practice, show up late.
8. When you show up late, you should probably be drunk, or high, or both.
9. Act like you're the creative mind behind the band even if you do no writing.
10. Replace out any members that outshine you.
Now that you have your band all set and everybody knows there place. It's time to start getting big and making a name for yourself.
Make a Name for Yourself- Being a rockstar isn't just about love for your music, in fact it's not about love for your music at all. It's about being famous.
1. Tell everybody you know that you're in a band, actually that you lead a band.
2. When they ask you what kind of music you play, give a long-winded explenation about how your music is something uniquw
3. Don't be unique.
4. Try to fit some part of your name into the bands name thereby making sure it's your band.
5. When trying to land gigs, suck up big time to whoever is hosting you. Then be a douche to them when they're not around.
6. Put band posters everywhere, and claim you don't know where they came from.
7. When I say band posters, I mean posters of yourself with your bands name on.
8. Make people remember your gigs, be overly zealous, and tell the woman to get topless.
Now that your band has become known and you got a record deal, it's time to establish yourself to the world of rock n' roll and burn your image into everybodies mind.
Cementing Your Image - The world has to know who you are and despise you before you're a true rockstar.
1. Do alot of drugs and drink alot of alchohal. Badasses get messed up.
2. Show up to gigs late. Your a badass and you don't follow rules.
3. When you are being interviewed swear constantly.
4. Swear constantly anyways.
5. Blame other people for your mistake. Blame your tech guy, blame your bassist, blame your fans. Never take blame.
6. Call other bands posers. Even if you copied them exactly. They're the ones copying you.
7. Every album should credit you as the writer, even if you did none of the writing.
8. Don't do any of the writing. You'll be busy getting high and having sex.
9. Have alot of sex, and get alot of diseases.
10. Make sure your entire band hates you.
11. Remind every band member, crew member, and even groupies that they are holding you back.
12. Your bassist doesn't get groupies.
Now your huge, everybody knows you who are, and your image is the biggest and badassist in the world.
Selling Out - The final step to being a true rockstar.
1. Change your sound to something "mainsteam".
2. Your bandmates will warn you against this. They are holding you back.
3. When your new album tanks, blame everybody else.
4. Kick everybody out of your band.
5. Start a crappy solo project but keep the name of your band to make sure people are fimiliar with you.
6. When you tank, and lose all your fans, do more drugs, cause that's badass.
Congragulations, you are now a huge tool, but a rockstar too.