Hello chums, Will.I.am here. You probably know me best as the star of X-Men Origins: Wolverine. As well as getting paid to do brilliant acting, some of my other money is from music which I make up. Today I am going to teach you how to write a chart topping song just like mine. Before we get started you should make sure your stenographer has plenty of sharp pencils and tell your assistant to hold all your calls, you don't want anything getting in the way of your creative flow. Now lets make some music.
Part one: The beat
The most important part of any hit song is the repetitive beat. A beat is made of two different noises, or as we call them in the industry, sounds'. The first one of these noises is a kind of boom' sound. Just go ahead and write down boom' on your paper a few times but leave some spaces in between. Now in some of these spaces we are going to add the second type of noise. This one sounds a little like a clap. Write clap' a few times, anywhere is fine. Good work, your song is coming along nicely.
Note: If this is your second or third song you will be glad to know you don't have to come up with a new beat every time, just use this one again.
Part two: The other noises.
In the olden times people were forced to use primitive instruments to make noises, and most of them weren't even very good. Luckily for us you can now get loads of different noises from the Internet. I like ones that have a kind of bleepy-blorky' sound, but you can use anything you like. You can use whoop', pow' or even jrrrb'. Add a few of these noises to your beat (see part one for more information on beats'). This will give your song a really distinctive sound. Even if you copied these sounds from another song you can just put them in a different order or maybe slow them down a little or something.
Part three: The singing bits.
Now this is the really difficult bit. The words are what people really relate to when they listen to the song on the YouTube. They should tell a story, invoke powerful emotions and sound to the listener like they were written just for them. This can take a long time and is quite boring. The best thing to do is use words from a different song and maybe speed them up a bit. Or get a man with a computer to make it sound like a robot is singing it or something. If you use song words that are from a different year to this one, probably no one will even notice and you can say you did the words yourself. I always like to add a few of my own words as well though, that's what sets me aside from all the other people who are just like me. When I was starring in X-Men Origins:Wolverine they let me make up some of my own words. They didn't get used in the film but I used my own words when I spoke to the girl in make-up and the man who gets my coffee. When I get bored of making music I will probably get to make X-Men Origins: Teleporting Black Guy, which is nice. For your song try to use words that sound a little bit naughty. Words like Dirty', Juicey' and Squishy' are all good.
Part four: Putting it all together.
If you have your words on a different piece of paper to your beats and other noises you can use a stapler to stick them together. This is a great way to do it because when you need another song you can just un-staple them, mix them with your other song pages and them staple them together at random. Make sure you don't accidentally staple two sheets of beats together, otherwise you will end up with Drum and Bass music, which is shit. If you staple two sheets of words together you will have a poem, which is gay.
Congratulations. You have finished your hit song. If you have followed the instructions correctly you will definitely be on the radio soon. If not you can always go into a shopping centre and play the music to people and ask them for a little bit of their money. If you want to make it even more exciting you can sing the words yourself. Make sure you are loud. Alternatively you can get an unemployed single mother from the job centre to sing most of the words and you can just say the naughty ones. Just say them whenever you like, no-one will care.
Now you can just sit back and wait for the Cristal to start flowing, Cheers.
(Dictated but not read)