Writing Your Own Article

Can't think of anything to write? Afraid of being 'flamed'? No worries! It's actually quite simple to do...

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An article about writing articles, huh? Just when there was a bunch of good articles on UG (except for that awful one about hardcore) some idiot comes along with a list of half-baked tips to writing columns. Well, with a few guidelines, you idiots can write articles about your own half-baked ideas, too.
  • Never state your opinion. Everybody has their own, and theirs is always more important than yours. They don't want to hear your crap, so save it for your music. That way they can comment on how much your music sucks.
  • Never be too vague. Know your stuff. If you try to be dodgy so as not to offend anybody, people will think you don't know what you're talking about and call you stupid. Which you probably are.
  • Never be too specific. You may think you know what you are talking about, but odds are you don't. Some self-proclaimed expert on the subject is just going to come along and tell you why you don't know what you are talking about, and leave the site believing he is a hero to all who read his two-sentence comment. A hero who is no doubt wiser than he who took the liberty to write two page load of crap.
  • Never be political. 95% of people on UG are a bunch of liberal-media hating liberals who know next to nothing about real politics. Politics just get people angry and eager to post hate messages, so don't mention it. Don't even beat around the Bush. (No pun intended.)
  • Never write about a specific genre. There might be a few readers that enjoy it, but for some reason, it seems that only the people who despise the genre read and comment on the articles, just to say how much the genre sucks. Don't take it personal, it's only your musical passion they are spitting on.
  • Write about something non-controversial in the guitar world. That is, something everybody can agree on. You know, like tips on practicing that involve recording yourself, or performance preparation. Or Les Pauls. Everybody likes Les Pauls. Take my word for it: play it safe. Who ever made it big in the guitar world taking risks? Come on
  • Write about the legends. It helps if you mention people like Clapton, Hendrix, Slash, or Page. Even those who have never heard a single work by any of them will claim how awesome they are, so as not to bring shame to their UG alias. Few people are courageous enough to down-talk the legends, regardless of how over-rated they might be.
  • Czech four spelling errers. Four some raeson, people will give ewe a bad comment about you're grammar and spelling, even if your information and writing is grate. I guess their just jealous that they cant write there own article. Not to sound like a English teacher, but its important to reread and revise. It will save a lot of embarassment.
  • Try to use simple words with as few syllables as possible. A lot of the people here aren't too bright and don't understand large words and complex rhetoric. Keep it literal and easy to understand. Remember, the language they best understand only has seven letters, although most of them don't even understand how it all fits together. Well, there you go. Use these tips, and I guarantee you a 5 star rating. With your new knowledge, you can write an article sure to keep people coming back for more of your stuff. Sure, it will probably lack originality and heart, but you have to give the audience what they want, right? -Parker Stotts
  • 58 comments sorted by best / new / date

    comments policy
      Mr. Clean
      "Mr. Clean: 1st, hilarious article, ***.. [POSTED: 02 April 2005 - 08:56]|" GOD FUC KI NG DAMNIT I meant to say 5 stars and some retarded admin deleted the post I said that in instead of editing it into my first -_-
      erling
      I dont agree with much of this,I have wrote two articles and I dont usually follow these rules and still I get fairly good grades. the ones I agree with is kinda obvious things.
      dorte
      5 stars! it's so hilarious that some ppl think you were serious...*lol* that is really your best article (till now)...i love the sarcasm!!! look forward 2 your next one... see u tomorrow. dee*
      Incubus_owns_us
      QUOTE]AcoustiGreg: who would write an article about writing articles? do you even play guitar?? fag.[ I think someone realized they were the stupid one. How long did it take you to check for spelling mistakes in that?
      lifeguard
      ^Not long, actually. Microsoft Word comes with a very handy feature called "spell check." You may have heard of it. I use it to type all my articles, and would highly recommend that others use it...maybe even for their poorly spelled comments.
      Covin
      Write about something non-controversial in the guitar world
      Very bad advice right there. It's human nature to be interested in conflict. That's what attracts to the movies. That's why talking about getting cut off really bad on a highway is eight times more interesting than talking about how you were able to cruise on the highway going the speed limit like a law-abiding citizen.
      monkeyspks
      hey i LIKE articles about genres. there are always good comments too. KEEP WRITING THEM, PEOPLE. maybe i will write one about techno myself!!
      AnnaPlaysGuitar
      dood, articles about riting articles suck ass. *** george bush! Henrix ***ing rules I give this article 5 stars. There's nothing more refreshing than the rhetorical genius of an egotistical bastard. Seriously.
      teejaycombo
      "a bunch of liberal-media hating liberals who know next to nothing about real politics" - As a media hatin liberal who knows next to nothing about politics, i am utterly offended by this cmoment! : PS: funny article.
      atm_sk8er
      good article but controvercy makes kick ass articles too. and always remember to czech your spellling kidss
      Jadewolf
      This made me laugh out loud. Sweet shit, man. I love people who remind me of me.
      Daniel Pearce
      Classic - I sure could use a few of these handy tips, a good use of language. Made me laugh N'almost fall off my chair!
      kennmi
      wow, after reading all the responses to this article, it makes me laugh that people dont realize that your venting your frustration at people who article bash... really makes them look completely retarded. i liked it, and i think people should get a life if they have nothing better to do than article bash.
      axe_grinder247
      Few people are courageous enough to down-talk the legends, regardless of how over-rated they might be. very true, i've tried it with EVH...never heard the end of it...people these days, finally someone who sees what really goes on here on UG
      cantshreddave
      gr8 article, but you say, i garentee u five stars and you only haave 4, no offense, im slightly pissed whilst sayin this btw
      Max_Backman
      Let me just say: You're a genious Parker Slotts or whatever your name is, and this is why and how it works; whilst reading this article we're thinking "Dude he's so right about how everbody else suck and destroy the board and everything with their diva ***ing bullshit!", and what we do is just channel our hate for eachoter thru this article instead of realizing the scam! So everybody who thinks this is a great article is just a true politicians pet! I for one, will stand up against this type of confusion! We all hate eachother GODDAMN IT!!! Don't TAKE THE HATE AWAY... Nahhh man, sweet can I have a hug too?
      travislausch
      It's not enough to just teach people how to write artcles. This article should be replaced with a firm set of rules.
      boothy
      Yeh to be honest half the sarcastic comments and stuff, you don't have to be even half funny to come out with.
      ilovepixies
      10th, glad to see that if anyone flames this they are only proving his pount futher
      cantshreddave
      genius brilliant youve bn payin attention to many articles and most of these donts come under my article hmmm..
      lifeguard
      Thank you, thank you, everybody. After my artcile on ska (which went...decent) and the one about hardcore (...crash and burn...) it seems I have found my calling.
      bootyguard
      Ha. I love the section about spelling and grammar. Oh, and not using politics and the fact that someone probably knows a subject better than you are all so true.
      itsmikey
      very nice, very nice... forgive me for breaking some of these rules! mikey
      Nolan Whyte
      This guy wrote the book on sarcasm and irony, and he's been paying close attention lately. Smart. 5.
      ultradogfromhel
      when i saw the title the first thing that came to my head was "oh great an article about writing an article" but very good job, funny! 5 stars
      thefinalcut
      Pretty good article, even though I don't agree with some of it. Writing an article for UG almost always involves an opinion, that's why most people write articles. You wrote this article to give your opinion on how others should write their articles.
      talius22
      Bro, you rock! I'm proud to be your big sis! Rock on, Park-dude. Talia "organ grinder" Stotts (tee-hee)
      ~King_Of_Foolz~
      ... wow... I think I might've found someone that is almost as bitter and sarcastic as me... well either way.. awesome article.. for those of you how dont realize its satire... good luck.. ironically... the people that need to read this are the ones that just wont get it...
      frigginjerk
      Don?t even beat around the Bush. (No pun intended.)
      i think it's quite obvious that a pun WAS intended! I give you NO STARS!!! kidding. quite a humourous piece. i'm sure lots of people took it seriously.