Dumb Is More Lucrative

date: 09/11/2013 category: features
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Dumb Is More Lucrative
Picture Avenged Sevenfold, the famous pop band with tattoos and Marshall Amps, in a room with their manager, their publicist, their hair stylist, their tattoo artist, their beautician and the people who pay them to be the manufactured crap they are; all at a business meeting: The "Director" has some new ideas: "So you, the singer, I always forget your name..." M. Shadows: "M. Shadows sir." The "Director": "Yea whatever... Grow your hair! That will make you look metal!". M. Shadows: "Can I keep my sunglasses?" The "Director": "Of course, just don't change the aviator because they look "old school." And another thing, do some Dio impersonation, metal fans love Dio, they will think you are influenced by him; I'll send you the vocal coach tomorrow, you start at 8am." M. Shadows: "Not at 8am please, my favorite cartoon..." The Director: "Shut up! Cartoons, that's all you know! What a bunch of retards... And morning cartoons nowadays are not even good anymore!" M. Shadows: "..." Director: "You two, the guitarists, change your shoes for something that looks classy. I booked you for a Guitar World magazine cover." Synyster Gates: "But I love my sneakers..." The other guitarist: "Me too I love my shoes and..." Synyster: "You! You don't speak. You're only in the band because you're left-handed and it looks cool on stage with me being right-handed." Director: "Shut up both of you! Your manager will prepare you for what to say and what to wear." Manager: "Don't worry sir, the next album will be a success, I have a great marketing strategy." After the recording of the album... Manager: "Hey, let's make some promotional stuff before this cool album comes out!"

1 - "Let's do interviews!"

In interviews: "We are so metal! Our influences are Black Sabbath and Metallica, so we learned classical music and blues."

2 - "Let's make a cheesy looking artwork and post it!"

After they receive the artwork which was made by the worst artist alive: "It's a dumb artwork of a skeleton guy with a crown and bat wings who slaughters some guys which are also skeletons... JUST WHAT WE WANTED! It's for dumb kids who listen to our music! They will like it!" After everyone expresses their disgust about the artwork, Avenged Sevenfold contact their manager: Avenged: "Sh-t." Manager: "Yea yea I know, they're not as dumb as we thought..." Avenged: "What will we do?" Manager: "You want it updated a bit? I'll find someone who knows to use Photoshop to make it look better." Avenged: "They also hate the title font." Manager: "I know..." After that's done, they post it, the reactions: The fans: "So this is the real one! Amazing I love it." Non-fans: "Meh..." People who hate them: "That's awful..." Then, when people start commenting that it's the same crap made to look somehow decent thanks to Photoshop magic, they talk to their manager again: Avenged: "What will we do? What will we do?" Manager: "You know what? Let's screw everyone by saying that it's the single artwork, and let's just use a simple artwork, something like the 'Black Album' of Metallica because you are influenced by Metallica." So that's what happens. The reactions: The fans: "Ow so that was not the artwork for the album! Great, the black one is amaaaazing."

3 - "Let's make photos!"

Photographer at promo photos session: "The two guys on each side, yes you and you, the guitarists, when you stand by that billiard table, close your fists because that's so metal." After the album comes out... The fans: "Wooooow it's a masterpiece, there's even one song that made me almost cry!" Non-fans: "Meh..." Some other non-fans who hate them: "That song sounds like that other song from that band, and the album cover looks like that album cover from that other band, and this and that, and the logo, and Overkill should sue them etc etc etc etc." Some other non-fans: "Meh..." Some fans answering the non-fans who hate them: "You know nothing about music! You don't have ears! Go kill yourself! Avenged Sevenfold is the best band in the world! You're jealous! Nana nana na, nana nana na etc etc etc etc." Some other non fans: "That's generic bullsh-t..." The "Music" papers reviewing the songs of the album: "That album is amazing!" The guys from Avenged Sevenfold: "Yeah, we just did it again, copying Guns N' Roses and other rock bands to make sh-tty generic songs, we can get away with it again because we are influenced by them, stealing the album title from a video game and making ballady stuff with the piano to please the chicks. It worked!"
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